Thursday, February 15, 2007
Life's Hard Truths
The difference between a "challenging case that could set some precedent and could present some challenging Constitutional issues" and "an unwinnable, waste of time, turd of a case" is about $5000.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Guilty Pleasures
Somewhere between the stacks of unbilled files and the unsigned Motions, I watch alot of movies. And, this being Oscar season, everyone wants to talk about the greatest movies of all time and how much we love them. Well inversely we all have those films that we hold near and dear to our hearts that draw nothing but criticism from others when they see them in our movie collections. Some are so bad they are good. Some are so low-budget, they barely count as "cinema". Others seem to invite looks of shame from our loved ones. This is my list. Dont judge me!
Return of the Living Dead (zombies that run kick ass)
Flash Gordon (the one from 1980, not 1936.)
Blazing Saddles (so racist its a riot)
Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt Russell as John Wayne/Elvis)
The Quick and the Dead (Sharon Stone is sooo tough)
Sol Goode (there's something special about Tori Spelling driving a Red Bull truck)
Last Action Hero (best satire EVER)
Shaun of the Dead (this will also land on my "Unrecognized heroes of film" list)
NeverEnding Story (no, I will NOT grow up)
Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Time Bandits (cuz midgets ROCK)
Return of the Living Dead (zombies that run kick ass)
Flash Gordon (the one from 1980, not 1936.)
Blazing Saddles (so racist its a riot)
Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt Russell as John Wayne/Elvis)
The Quick and the Dead (Sharon Stone is sooo tough)
Sol Goode (there's something special about Tori Spelling driving a Red Bull truck)
Last Action Hero (best satire EVER)
Shaun of the Dead (this will also land on my "Unrecognized heroes of film" list)
NeverEnding Story (no, I will NOT grow up)
Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Time Bandits (cuz midgets ROCK)
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Definition of...
Dedication.
Wearing an adult diaper to ensure you dont have to stop on your nonstop cross-country, hate drive to pummel and kidnap your obsession's current lover.
Wearing an adult diaper to ensure you dont have to stop on your nonstop cross-country, hate drive to pummel and kidnap your obsession's current lover.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Ghoul Pool Update
So...
since no one bothered to comment. No one gets credit for Anna Nicole. Too bad. That would have scored pretty high.
since no one bothered to comment. No one gets credit for Anna Nicole. Too bad. That would have scored pretty high.
In Re Baby Loblaw
We settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. I'm glad she cant count yet. I bet she thinks nickels are worth more than dimes because they are bigger. Stupid, stupid baby.
Survey
Truly Original Survey
Would you do this?
1. Join the Military or the Mob?Mob. Likely has a longer survival rate with higher pay.
2. Turn a close friend in if they committed a serious offense ex. murder?Nah. I'm sure the other guy had it coming.
3. Make one porno if it meant never having to work again?Definitely. Then use my new found wealth to buy all the copies and burn em.
4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your biggest crush if there was no possibility that they would EVER find out?Now how stupid do you think I am?
5. Eat spoiled food from the garbage or go hungry?hungry.
What if...
1. In your relationship you find out you are going to have a baby but one of you doesn't want it. Who has the right to choose?Tails.
2. Your partner had to work overseas for a year, would you consider playing around?Consider? Sure.
3. You find out before having sex for the first time with your partner that they have a highly contagious STD, would you still have sex with them?Only if I had the same one.
4. You are in a serious accident in the middle of nowhere and your only chance of survival is to cut off your own arm, would you do it?i have a spare
5. You had to kill a member of your family if it meant you would save thousands of lives, would you?Depends on who.
Yes or No1. H
ave you had cyber-sex?yes
2. Would you masturbate in front of your partner?yes
3. Would you tell your partner (who you really love) that they are bad in bed?no
4. While having sex, have you ever thought about someone else to keep you turned on?Ever? Yes
5. Have you ever looked at a family member and felt sexually attracted to them? Are pets family??
What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?disagree
2. The night of your best-friend's wedding their fiance comes on to you, should you tell your best-friend? only if i hit dat and it sucks. cuz as a friend, i think i should warn him she's bad in bed, right?
3. You catch one of your parents having a one-night-stand, should you tell the other parent?Maybe after i stop throwing up!
4. Your partner wants to go to a "swingers" club, would you go to keep your partner happy?yes
5. You are about to tell your spouse that you want a divorce but they just found out that a close family member is dying, do you still tell them?no
Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever fake illness to get attention?no, unless if by attention you mean a 'crazy check'
2. You are the first to arrive at the scene of an accident but it turns out that the person hurt is your worst enemy, do you help or walk away?help, but first i go through their pockets and hide their insurance information and splash them with beer.
3. You have a non life threatening sexual disease, would you have a one night stand without telling the person?Isnt that how i got it in the first place? will i never learn?
4. Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someones feelings?truth is always funnier
5. Do you think this survey was truly original?best one since the last one
Would you do this?
1. Join the Military or the Mob?Mob. Likely has a longer survival rate with higher pay.
2. Turn a close friend in if they committed a serious offense ex. murder?Nah. I'm sure the other guy had it coming.
3. Make one porno if it meant never having to work again?Definitely. Then use my new found wealth to buy all the copies and burn em.
4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your biggest crush if there was no possibility that they would EVER find out?Now how stupid do you think I am?
5. Eat spoiled food from the garbage or go hungry?hungry.
What if...
1. In your relationship you find out you are going to have a baby but one of you doesn't want it. Who has the right to choose?Tails.
2. Your partner had to work overseas for a year, would you consider playing around?Consider? Sure.
3. You find out before having sex for the first time with your partner that they have a highly contagious STD, would you still have sex with them?Only if I had the same one.
4. You are in a serious accident in the middle of nowhere and your only chance of survival is to cut off your own arm, would you do it?i have a spare
5. You had to kill a member of your family if it meant you would save thousands of lives, would you?Depends on who.
Yes or No1. H
ave you had cyber-sex?yes
2. Would you masturbate in front of your partner?yes
3. Would you tell your partner (who you really love) that they are bad in bed?no
4. While having sex, have you ever thought about someone else to keep you turned on?Ever? Yes
5. Have you ever looked at a family member and felt sexually attracted to them? Are pets family??
What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?disagree
2. The night of your best-friend's wedding their fiance comes on to you, should you tell your best-friend? only if i hit dat and it sucks. cuz as a friend, i think i should warn him she's bad in bed, right?
3. You catch one of your parents having a one-night-stand, should you tell the other parent?Maybe after i stop throwing up!
4. Your partner wants to go to a "swingers" club, would you go to keep your partner happy?yes
5. You are about to tell your spouse that you want a divorce but they just found out that a close family member is dying, do you still tell them?no
Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever fake illness to get attention?no, unless if by attention you mean a 'crazy check'
2. You are the first to arrive at the scene of an accident but it turns out that the person hurt is your worst enemy, do you help or walk away?help, but first i go through their pockets and hide their insurance information and splash them with beer.
3. You have a non life threatening sexual disease, would you have a one night stand without telling the person?Isnt that how i got it in the first place? will i never learn?
4. Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someones feelings?truth is always funnier
5. Do you think this survey was truly original?best one since the last one
Friday, February 09, 2007
34 And I Still Dont Know...
1. why women think you should be able to read their minds when I KNOW they can't read mine, or else I'd be single. And have no female friends. Or at least none with any conscience or self-esteem. Or an understanding of terms like ATM and DP.
2. why I'm the only one pronounces the first 'r' in February.
3. why people dont want gays to marry. They have every right to be as miserable as the rest of society.
4. how something can be 'bunk' and thats bad yet if something is'debunked' its bad.
5. why everyone laughs when I say I'm a doctor.
6. whats the difference between catsup, ketchup and fancy ketchup.
7. why everyone comes up to me and will comment on my blog but NO ONE 'comments' on my blog.
2. why I'm the only one pronounces the first 'r' in February.
3. why people dont want gays to marry. They have every right to be as miserable as the rest of society.
4. how something can be 'bunk' and thats bad yet if something is'debunked' its bad.
5. why everyone laughs when I say I'm a doctor.
6. whats the difference between catsup, ketchup and fancy ketchup.
7. why everyone comes up to me and will comment on my blog but NO ONE 'comments' on my blog.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Back From Outer Space
All apologies, but I had a computer meltdown. But fear, not! My time was not spent idly...well mostly. I learned a few things from my clients on my time off. and i have a few new vocab words that may or may not violate some confidentiality whatevers.
1. telling someone that your retainer is $2500 and then allowing them to make payments and then actually only getting three installments of $286, $214 and $96 (not $100 because he 'needed a sausage biscuit' on his way to pay me) shall be henceforth known as "Pulling a Gipson". Although a Gipson can also mean believing that the commencement of an action to modify child support is enough to relieve you of that obligation until further adjudication. Cuz whats the point if its gonna change, right?
2. Crazy people pay more consistenly than the sane. And they insist on doing it in person.
3. Telling callers you are NOT an attorney, but rather a secretary will not get you out of being asked the most asinine legal questions, accompanied by their life's story.
4. Most attorneys pretend to be attention-seeking because they think thats right, but in reality they run from exposure like roaches when teh kitchen lights come on.
5. Never get a boob job in Knoxville...from a dentist. The med-mal attorneys fees are way more than a plane ticket to LA where you can get it done right the first time.
6. There are some perverts in this thing of ours. Thats cool and all, its just kinda funny too.
7.You can get less time in OP Court for biting your ex's ear off than for calling her 124 times. Bon apetit.
More to follow.
1. telling someone that your retainer is $2500 and then allowing them to make payments and then actually only getting three installments of $286, $214 and $96 (not $100 because he 'needed a sausage biscuit' on his way to pay me) shall be henceforth known as "Pulling a Gipson". Although a Gipson can also mean believing that the commencement of an action to modify child support is enough to relieve you of that obligation until further adjudication. Cuz whats the point if its gonna change, right?
2. Crazy people pay more consistenly than the sane. And they insist on doing it in person.
3. Telling callers you are NOT an attorney, but rather a secretary will not get you out of being asked the most asinine legal questions, accompanied by their life's story.
4. Most attorneys pretend to be attention-seeking because they think thats right, but in reality they run from exposure like roaches when teh kitchen lights come on.
5. Never get a boob job in Knoxville...from a dentist. The med-mal attorneys fees are way more than a plane ticket to LA where you can get it done right the first time.
6. There are some perverts in this thing of ours. Thats cool and all, its just kinda funny too.
7.You can get less time in OP Court for biting your ex's ear off than for calling her 124 times. Bon apetit.
More to follow.
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