Cramped and Locked Enclosure. So I just had one of these things for the first time. Only because I have to. And everyone warned me that they were bad and to get out at my earliest convenience. Images of Stalags and German Shepherd and crawling under barbed wire dance through my head.
Well they were right. In fact, they understated the crushing boredom that is a CLE. I felt like a homeless atheist who is forced to listen to some self-righteous, self-aggrandizing zealot spew crap for my free bowl of oatmeal and roach parts. I likes ta died. But the class wouldn't let me die. I tried swallowing my tongue but 34 years of heterosexuality has left me with a hefty gag reflex. I would have hung myself with a mic cord, but all the mics were wireless and the ceiling was 25 feet high (i am certain they were that way to avoid exactly what I had planned).
I spent most of the time texting people 5 feet from me and plotting the worst possible torture with the least amount of liability for the woman in row 2 who kept asking questions that weren't really questions like it was our 1L year. I think I would remove her eyelids and feed her dose after dose of sleeping pills to slowly drive her mad. And blind, I guess. She made so many stupid comments I almost objected on grounds of relevance.
My boss tried to pay me to streak the CLE. I wonder if that forfeits my credit hours. Hell I might get extra credit.
I am planning on building a replica of myself to prop my seat at the next CLE whilst I slip away at lunch. Or pay a hobo to be me. Is it suicide if he kills himself while pretending to be me? God, I hope so. The malpractice evasion and tax implications alone are worth it.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Things I Love/Hate and Why
Love
Reality TV. Because there's nothing like watching dreams get crushed in real time.
My DVR. It allows me to record and watch the dream-crushing whenever I want and in slow-mo.
The smell of fingernail polish remover. I dont know why.
Doughnuts. Why not?
Hookers. Because they make for such interesting conversation about their wardrobe, sense of self and legal issues (So what if I'm a ho? I love my kids!)
Hate
Clients who show up late. Because it throws off my whole day.
Clients who show up early, because they always arrive while I'm eating.
Clients who show up unannounced/uninvited/unwanted. Because I'm always doing something wayyy cooler and would call if I wanted to see them.
Clients. See 1,2,and 3.
I had a clients check come back 'insufficient funds'. Made me re-evaluate the reasons why I practice law. Is it the money? If its not, why does this piss me off so bad (or is it badly)? Shouldn't I be more concerned with the obvious injustice involved in her case? Or should I take the stance that my family has to eat and I am not some nameless cog at the Baker Donelson machine that draws that fat check each month. I needs my shizzle, bizzle! Is it worse that I cut this woman a break in the first place? Is it worse that she still expects me to hustle on this case?
All the older attorneys told me when I started this "You'll be hardened in about a year and won't be half as sympathetic to these people". Am I on the excelerated program and have reached my limit already? Or do I just learn from my mistakes faster?
Lawyers are like trees. Over time they petrify into these stony, crotchety old snapping turtles.
I cant wait.
Today's Cynical POV: Good clients are harder to find than a full set of teeth in a trailer park.
Reality TV. Because there's nothing like watching dreams get crushed in real time.
My DVR. It allows me to record and watch the dream-crushing whenever I want and in slow-mo.
The smell of fingernail polish remover. I dont know why.
Doughnuts. Why not?
Hookers. Because they make for such interesting conversation about their wardrobe, sense of self and legal issues (So what if I'm a ho? I love my kids!)
Hate
Clients who show up late. Because it throws off my whole day.
Clients who show up early, because they always arrive while I'm eating.
Clients who show up unannounced/uninvited/unwanted. Because I'm always doing something wayyy cooler and would call if I wanted to see them.
Clients. See 1,2,and 3.
I had a clients check come back 'insufficient funds'. Made me re-evaluate the reasons why I practice law. Is it the money? If its not, why does this piss me off so bad (or is it badly)? Shouldn't I be more concerned with the obvious injustice involved in her case? Or should I take the stance that my family has to eat and I am not some nameless cog at the Baker Donelson machine that draws that fat check each month. I needs my shizzle, bizzle! Is it worse that I cut this woman a break in the first place? Is it worse that she still expects me to hustle on this case?
All the older attorneys told me when I started this "You'll be hardened in about a year and won't be half as sympathetic to these people". Am I on the excelerated program and have reached my limit already? Or do I just learn from my mistakes faster?
Lawyers are like trees. Over time they petrify into these stony, crotchety old snapping turtles.
I cant wait.
Today's Cynical POV: Good clients are harder to find than a full set of teeth in a trailer park.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Spare the Rodham
Someone asked me why I havent blogged lately. Well, like a fat man who can't see his penis anymore, I haave found that things get in the way of what makes us happy.
I just had a woman call me about a divorce, trying to sell me the sad-song version of her life. When I asked what the other side had against her that was stalling an amicable settlement, she said " Well I kinda got mad and set fire to my ex's new girlfriend' car and then I got arrested over some mess and then I spent some time in jail and then some time in a mental health vacility (not a misprint) and then..."
At this point, I began to wander. I thought of the coming election for President and all the candidates available. I really wish I could say that Hillary has a chance, but she don't. Why?
Because of stupid women like the one I was ignoring on the phone just then. I mean, what happens when Bill pisses off Pres. Hillary? Will she set fire to Ghana?
I'm not trying to sound like a mysogynist. I am only pointing out that America heaps the actions of an entire group upon those it percieves as it representatives. This is a bigoted attitude, basically saying one is the same as all the others, but thats the way this country runs.
Thats why Obama will never win, that and the fact that his name rhymes with that of the most sought after terrorist in history. I'd never win if my name was Randolph Hitlerson. Not even on the GOP ticket.
All I'm saying is, if you want a male First Lady, tell the following to chill:
Britney
Lindsey Lohan
Anna Nicole (she's still damaging the rep of women after her demise. impressive.)
half my clients
Paris
Nicole Ritchie
Feel free to add.
I just had a woman call me about a divorce, trying to sell me the sad-song version of her life. When I asked what the other side had against her that was stalling an amicable settlement, she said " Well I kinda got mad and set fire to my ex's new girlfriend' car and then I got arrested over some mess and then I spent some time in jail and then some time in a mental health vacility (not a misprint) and then..."
At this point, I began to wander. I thought of the coming election for President and all the candidates available. I really wish I could say that Hillary has a chance, but she don't. Why?
Because of stupid women like the one I was ignoring on the phone just then. I mean, what happens when Bill pisses off Pres. Hillary? Will she set fire to Ghana?
I'm not trying to sound like a mysogynist. I am only pointing out that America heaps the actions of an entire group upon those it percieves as it representatives. This is a bigoted attitude, basically saying one is the same as all the others, but thats the way this country runs.
Thats why Obama will never win, that and the fact that his name rhymes with that of the most sought after terrorist in history. I'd never win if my name was Randolph Hitlerson. Not even on the GOP ticket.
All I'm saying is, if you want a male First Lady, tell the following to chill:
Britney
Lindsey Lohan
Anna Nicole (she's still damaging the rep of women after her demise. impressive.)
half my clients
Paris
Nicole Ritchie
Feel free to add.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
I Am Britney's Discarded Locks
Oh the sights I have seen.
London, Tokyo, Sydney
All in a weekend
I have teased and been teased
By the best.
Blondes have more of everything.
But then...
Sweet Sweet Salon girl
Refuses to do me harm.
Mad Mad Britney
Takes matters into her own hands
I can see the headlines!
Britney Shears! Baldy Spears! Celebrity Buzzzz!
And here I lay. Discarded
My roots tell a tale.
A chemical romance
that cannot end on speaking terms.
And out the door she goes.
A little lighter. A little cooler.
And I am swept up and on eBay
Before the sun can rise.
Dyed.
Died.
London, Tokyo, Sydney
All in a weekend
I have teased and been teased
By the best.
Blondes have more of everything.
But then...
Sweet Sweet Salon girl
Refuses to do me harm.
Mad Mad Britney
Takes matters into her own hands
I can see the headlines!
Britney Shears! Baldy Spears! Celebrity Buzzzz!
And here I lay. Discarded
My roots tell a tale.
A chemical romance
that cannot end on speaking terms.
And out the door she goes.
A little lighter. A little cooler.
And I am swept up and on eBay
Before the sun can rise.
Dyed.
Died.
Monday, February 19, 2007
You Can Lead A Ho to Water
but you cant make em think.
Last week we had a treat land in our office. Apparently a lawyer here (for the purposes of this story, we'll call her Jama) acted as a GAL on a case and had to privately bill it. Well, the bill was returned by one of the parent's attorney (her name sorta rhymes with Howie Mandel) and basically said that all of the charges were excessive. She then proceeded to go through each billed MINUTE and state first how it was too much, then how she herself (Howie) only bills X.X minutes to do the same thing and finally (and here is where the 'balls as big as church bells' moment happens) requested the attorney explain in detail what she was doing for all that time.
Now, bless Jama's tender-hearted soul, but she actually felt worried over this.
Let me just say where I stand.
1. Fuck you, lady.
2. who the sweet Jesus shit are you?
3. how is it my fault that you dont put any time into your work, you lazy cooz?
4. isnt it more obviously malpractice to admittedly cut corners in your representation?
5. Is that kind of sloth a 'shall' or a 'may' report to the Board. Cuz Im leaning toward 'Shall'.
6. Let me see every bill you have every sent out. Hell I'll start going over you whole life! How much did you tithe last year? What are you tipping at Outback? How many times in the last 10 years have you said 'Nope, sorry, no spare change'?
7. You must want to fight. I'll get street with ya, biyatch!
8. How do you draft an Order in 0.1 hours? I cant even hit 'print' that fast.
By the way, I am billing you or somebody else for this time. Self-righteous gutter slut.
Last week we had a treat land in our office. Apparently a lawyer here (for the purposes of this story, we'll call her Jama) acted as a GAL on a case and had to privately bill it. Well, the bill was returned by one of the parent's attorney (her name sorta rhymes with Howie Mandel) and basically said that all of the charges were excessive. She then proceeded to go through each billed MINUTE and state first how it was too much, then how she herself (Howie) only bills X.X minutes to do the same thing and finally (and here is where the 'balls as big as church bells' moment happens) requested the attorney explain in detail what she was doing for all that time.
Now, bless Jama's tender-hearted soul, but she actually felt worried over this.
Let me just say where I stand.
1. Fuck you, lady.
2. who the sweet Jesus shit are you?
3. how is it my fault that you dont put any time into your work, you lazy cooz?
4. isnt it more obviously malpractice to admittedly cut corners in your representation?
5. Is that kind of sloth a 'shall' or a 'may' report to the Board. Cuz Im leaning toward 'Shall'.
6. Let me see every bill you have every sent out. Hell I'll start going over you whole life! How much did you tithe last year? What are you tipping at Outback? How many times in the last 10 years have you said 'Nope, sorry, no spare change'?
7. You must want to fight. I'll get street with ya, biyatch!
8. How do you draft an Order in 0.1 hours? I cant even hit 'print' that fast.
By the way, I am billing you or somebody else for this time. Self-righteous gutter slut.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Moment of Realization
In light of the astronaut love triangle, it came to me just now. I'm gone all day and have no idea what my baby is up to. She could be driving across the country, rubbing out paramours left and right. Imagine my horror when I rushed home opened her jumper and there it was...a diaper.
I wonder what her weapon of choice is. I bet its something harmless-looking like a poison-coated teething ring or exploding poo.
I grow suspicious of the car seat. We sleep in shifts.
I wonder what her weapon of choice is. I bet its something harmless-looking like a poison-coated teething ring or exploding poo.
I grow suspicious of the car seat. We sleep in shifts.
Cheeky Monkey
I heard a prominent local attorney gained that status by having his office number changed to one that matched a recently deceased, well-known attorney.
My name change application is in the mail. Do I look like a "Johnny Cochran"? Cuz I feel like one.
My name change application is in the mail. Do I look like a "Johnny Cochran"? Cuz I feel like one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
