An Uncivil Action

I am suing my baby.
The constant yelling and debasement, the damage to my psyche, the sleep deprivation.
There has to be a cause of action in there somewhere. I figure an IIED claim might survive summary judgment. And boy do I have pain and suffering!
If I wanted someone to poop and puke on me, I'd pay for it. At least that way, they would respect the "safe word". My screaming "tsetse fly!" in the middle of the night seems a bit odd out of context.
And I figure since all the work I do benefits her, there might be an employer/employee relationship there. At least enough to argue some unfair practices or unequal treatment.
I have already heard from her attorney on these claims. She says that she, as a minor of only 9 weeks of age, cannot possibly form the necessary intent. She also claims that at all times I brought my own equipment to the job and am not a regularly paid worker, thereby classifying me as an independent contractor, defeating my EmpDiscrim claim.
Clever baby.
I think if I could get some sleep, I'd be able to form a good counter argument. Maybe get an OP.
So tired.