R.I.P.

Paul Newman

the movie trailer voiceover guy

Haiku Dedicated to Beer

Beer, so cold so smooth
Beads of sweat roll down my glass.
Nervous? You should be.

inspired by Duck Rabbit Milk Stout

Eich Bein Ein Cowboys Fan!

What happens when you make a classic piece of cinema about the last days of Adolf Hitler and leave it lying around for idiots like you and me to play with? You get this masterful piece of film!

Ronald McDonald is a Pimp

Now, I have never been a patron of a 'lady of the evening' but I feel that it shouldn't be illegal to sell something thats legal to give away. And this is going too far.

NASHVILLE POLICE HAVE A UNIQUE WAY TO HELP WITH THE PROSTITUTION PROBLEM.Employees of McDonald's charged with aiding prostitution
Brooke Caron, 17, an employee at theMcDonald's on Franklin Road, was arrested by Metro Police last Tuesday,accused of selling a Big Mac to an undercover policewoman posing as aprostitute. Caron, a Hillsboro high schooler who works atMcDonald's after school to earn spending money, was led away in cuffswith tears running down her face.
"That lady comes through thedrive-through all the time," she said. "I thought it was weird when she said into the microphone, 'I am a prostitute and I would like a BigMac,' but people say all kinds of strange stuff. I just got her food,and then they arrested me.""It wasn't just a Big Mac; it was acombo, with fries and a Coke," noted Police Chief Ronal Serpas."Providing nutrition to prostitutes is directly abetting their illegal activities," the chief added. "Their bodies are the commodity that isbeing sold, and the food fuels the body. It's a clear legal connection."

I would think its a bigger crime to deny someone necessary sustainance based soley on lifestyle.
Hos gotta eat too.

R.I.P.

HEATH LEDGER

BRAD RENFRO

BOBBIE FISHER

wtf? stop dying, you guys.

I Don't Know Much, But...

I know this...
You shouldn't lose on your home field when your home field advantage is that its -23 degrees and the other team is freezing to death when you play in that weather all the time and the opposing team's kicker blows a gimme kick and you have the most seasoned QB in all of football and Shemp Manning's throwing hand is a block of ice and a trip to the SuperBowl is on the line.

I ain't sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Cloverfield.

Innovative, interesting. Don't expect resolution, just sequels.

Prediction for opening weekend: $55-$60 million.

NASA produces Asshole-Seeking Missle

Diet Coke + Mentos x stupidity = THIS

5 things I'd do with $50 billion dollars

Bill Gates is worth just shy of $50 billion dollars. I can live quite well on only $1 billion (i'm frugal that way) so here are 5 things i'd do with the change.
1. Change my name to Tom Brady's Penis, so when i make charitable donations and build hospitals, some stuffy suit will have to announce that "this new Obstetrics Center was made possible by Tom Brady's Penis". He'd sue but, hey, i can afford it.

2. Sponsor the best NASCAR team and plaster my new name all over it.

3. Buy Trump organization just so I could fired the Donald.

4. Manufacture and sell the ugliest car known to mankind, but then price it at a dollar so everyone will still buy it.

5. Buy several plots of land in every state along I-40 and put statues of myself (well-muscled and nude of course) on the plots. Maybe I will make each one slightly different from the last so if you drive by fast enough, it looks like I'm moving.

Pros and Cons

for the Candidates.
Hillary
Pro: Fewer scandals. Because a stain on a young man's trousers means nothing.
Con: Would you let your airplane pilot's wife fly the jet just because she was married to him?
Obama
Pro: All the "White" House jokes
Con: Have to give all his speeches from a bulletproof bubble, a la the Pope.
Fred
Pro: Hottest 1st Lady EVER!
Con: " Im not a real leader, but I play one on TV"
Huckabee
Pro: Chuck Norris will be the most kick ass Sec. of Defense imaginable.
Con: Instead of income tax refunds, every one gets paid in Total Gyms and copies of Missing in Action.
Mitt
Pro: Most original name for a President. Who says he's not about change.
Con: Missouri may become our Nation's capital.
McCann
Pro: He'll punch other world leaders in the nuts if they dont listen to reason.
Con: See "Pro"

The Blog Part 2: Return to the Revenge of the Son of the Blog

well its been a long time kiddies. i had to lay low for a minute to let Mrs. Loblaw apply for a job. as all faithful readers know, this is not the kind of thing you want potential employers to read (teehee).
Man oh man, too much has happened since we last spoke.
A woman and a black man are running for President! My God, this has never happened...well, not since 1872 when Vicki Woodhull and Frederick Douglass ran. But forget that. I like both these candidates but is mainstream America ready? I mean, even if one of them ends up as VP, they're only a stray bullet away from being POTUS. Will we really take that chance? I'm all about electing the person who's most qualified. I just don't think enough people are. I mean, Kennedy winning was a big deal because he was Catholic, for Christ's sake! and a Mormon thinks he has a chance? anyone who believes Missouri is the promised land should never be allowed to talk to leaders of other countries.
I have withdrawn my IIED claim against my daughter. we have settled out of court for an undisclosed amount and i am under contract not to discuss the details.
I could go on and on... so i will.
the Law Office of Bob Loblaw has changed location and i am now the only managing partner. Pro: all the money comes to me. Con: all the bills come to me.
I have officially gotten old. Music is a little louder, things hang a bit lower, i need sleep, i don't understand nor am i really attracted to Fergie, and i have foregone cheap beer and wet t-shirts for good scotch and trash TV. someone get me a Rascal.
Everyone go out and see No Country for Old Men and buy Superbad on DVD.
I have to get to work now, as it all falls on me. No workie, no eatie.
I shall return

Funeral for a Friend

Well thats it then.
The NAACP buried the N-word the other day, so thats it. Its gone now. Mourn that long-standing noun that has been the heart of so much comedy and tragedy over the past 400 years. Wow, 4 centuries. You had a good run. I mean "honky" barely lasted ten years! Honky-tonk made short work of that word. Cracker's hanging in there but it has to hold up til the year 2355 to even be a contender. So, racists everywhere! We can't hear you anymore. It'll be like those 'dropped call' commercials. You'll be ranting like you always do and then...silence. So find a new outlet buddy.
Seriously, though. Is this how we deal with our problems now? We pretend they die and that makes everything alright? I mean, I've probably used the word more in my lifetime than Strom Thurman ever did. I like it. I miss it, being in a predominantly non-diverse portion of the state. What gives the NAACP the right? Especially coming from an organization that still uses the word "Colored". Hypocrites. And what spelling of the word now lies in the cold cold ground? The dreaded 'er' version or the 'ends in a' one? Is Nucca out of bounds? And what does the headstone say? I mean, how can you kill a word and then put NIGGER on a slab of stone for all eternity? So many questions.
I always thought you took control of a word, not pull an ostrich move and bury our collective and multi-colored (sorry) heads in the proverbial sand. I know that words have power, but so do we, don't we? And can you kill a word thats in someone's heart? Was the NAACP right? Is it Dave Chapelle circa 2005 or is it Back-to-Africa Dave?
Maybe its time to put it to rest. Maybe there's too much stigma attached to the word...
Nigga. pleaz!

This Night We Dine on Poultry!!!

The bald eagle is no longer on the endangered species list. Eat up, kids.

I did notice they still wear that silly white toupee. You're bald!!! Get over it!

Query to the Masses

1. Recently my boss got her hands on a copy of the tales of that American folk icon, Uncle Remus. His tales of Br'er Rabbit, Fox and Bear and Tar Baby are classics. But the setting, pre- and post- Civil War South, depicts slaves as a happy lot, always singing and smiling and speaking in an almost-unintelligible slang that cannot be described. These tales also feature the prominent use of the dreaded N-word (nigger, in case you didn't know), leading to Disney vaulting the film version of the book, Song of the South. Disney is considering a DVD release, which has stirred up some controversy. Is it historically important, not to mention chocked full of great animation and music? Or is it a remnant of a past best forgotten? Do we learn from the past or simply move on, ignoring the ugliness behind us? Let's hear from you.

Movie Qoute Game

What, you think I'm retarded or something?
Yeah Goon, sometimes I really think you are.

Relocation Darwinism

The Loblaw Family has recently purchased and moved into a house for the first time. I decided to save a few hundred bucks (towards my HDTV) and move it all myself. I make some bad decisions from time to time but this was a doozy. This bad idea was on par with the Corvair and the Oprah's Vagina episode of South Park. Spectacularly unwise.
Around Day 4 of this two day move, I came to the conclusion that whatever will fit into the last 2 boxes I had left, was meant to be there. And also that whatever didn't survive the move, regardless of how tight I shut my eyes when I tossed it in the box, was weak and was never meant to have a place in the new hacienda. Darwin must have moved alot.

the Dying Art of Nepotism

I get a lot of calls from the shadier side of my family tree seeking free legal advise and representation. Usually it goes a little like this:
Hey cuz, what's been going on?
Nothing much, you know, living, working...
Hows that baby of yours?
(Now I know somethings up)
Great! Except for the crying and the shoving of electrical wires into her mouth or the desire to drool into my expensive electronics. Peachy.
We dont here from you much any more.
Its called plausible deniability.
What?
I said, is Paul still on disability?
Oh yeah yeah...so anyway I have this problem. Dude is trying to screw me out of about $300 and...
You get the idea folks. So this is a general post to all Loblaw family members out there.
1. it'll cost you 10 times that amount for any lawyer to help you.
2. that includes me
3. I dont like you. thats why I dont call. It has nothing to do with how busy I am. I'm really not all that busy. I have about 6 hours down time a day and you cant have any of it.
4. this phone call will cost you about 38 bucks.
5. I know you're guilty of whatever it is you were asking me about. Remember I was there the last time you did it? Yeah, let it go.
6. Sometimes, just sometimes, bad things happen to bad people.
7. Stop committing crimes. Cops harass you way less when you do. There is a correlation.
8. Oh and yeah...you dont have a case.
Somewhere the Family Ties theme song is playing.

Movie Qoute Game

Name the film, character and actor
"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient...but I do love Fig Newtons!

Addendumb

Because I make light of the troubles of the world, people tend to think I make these things up. The latest was in regards to the White Pride Rally this past weekend, but I swear, I couldn't make anything that retarded up. Or I could but why would I, when I can always drop a Paris Hilton joke? Anyway, for the non-believers heres a link. Check out the sign the older lady is holding. It raises some issues about Jesus' heritage that I find particularly interest.

Retraction

So I ended up going to the White Pride Rally. My kid is half white, so its my duty to take her to these kinds of function, right?
Anyway, I was totally wrong about the whole event! I thought it would be all about screaming racial epithets in white robes. Well it wasn't ALL about that. I mean, it was more like a carnival or state fair than anything. They had games for the kiddies like Pin the Crime on the Minority and Mexican pinatas (made with REAL Mexicans!). There were activity tents with lots and lots of literature in easy to read words and crosswords for the parents to do (whats a 4 letter word for "killers of our Lord and Savior"? Starts with a J...hmmm). And you could tell every thought my baby was so pretty by the way they stared and stared...and stared. Anyway, we had snacks and sang songs (mostly hymns and some others I didnt know) but we didnt stay for the bonfire.
Anyway, all in all, it was something to behold.
Can't wait til next year.