Sliding Doors

Life last week(LLW) vs. Life this week(LTW).
LLW: 6:45 am- roll out of bed, realize that I have a Gratuitous Transfers exam in two hours, fifteen minutes. Kick myself for rolling out of bed so slowly. I will need that study time later.

LTW: 6:45 am...

LLW: 7:00 am- showering, showering, trying to remember if that crappy acronym for ascertainable standards his HEWS or if that W is actually an M for 'maintenance' because I could swear she told us both.

LTW: 7:00 am...

LLW: 7:10 am... driving, driving. Watch it Asshole! Does the 3 year rule apply to life insurance and is it the premium, the proceeds or the cash surrender value? Fuck! Why doesn't my 1991 Honda Civic come standard with wireless internet?

LTW: 7:10 am...

LLW: 7:30 am Aha! Cash surrender value!!!

LTW: 7:30 am...

LLW: 8:00 am crusty bagel, diet Lipton green tea and Red Bull cocktail? Check. pen, pencil, extra pen and backup leads? Check. 10 pound statute book? Check. super duper secret numbers handed down from the gods themselves? Check. Calculator? Check. Canteen, box of matches, catheter, flash light, colostomy bag, road flares, whip, cool hat? Check.

LTW: 8:00 am...

LLW 8:45 am confidence is the word of the day. I know every statute verbatim. this is all statutes and math. numbers numbers numbers. no policy questions she said. numbers numbers.
LTW 8:45am ...

LLW: 9:00 am Okay. here we go. question one. "Explain the statement 'the United States has a unified taxation regime for inter vivos transfers and bequeaths'"..umm..."Excuse me. Where are the numbers?"

LTW: 9:00am opened left eye. saw the cat. didnt care. not fully self-aware? excellent. back to sl....

LLW: 11:00 who gives a shit about this dead asshole and his moron brother who is also trustee which is never a good idea when he should have just left it all to his wife a gave her all the General Powers of Appointment with no incidents of ownership? Fucking 'tards! I'm glad you're dead!

LTW: 11:00am fire up the DVR. watch the Biggest Loser and all the Losts I missed. ate cereal and a hamburger.

LLW: 12:01 pm vomit
LTW 12:01 pm ...

LLW 2:00pm must...pack in...more...alcohol!!! must..forget...2036(a)(2)(B)

LTW 2:00pm must...pack in...more...alcohol!!! i KNOW i was supposed to remember something... ah well

A "Queery" for My One Faithful Reader

What's the matter with gay marriage? How does it bring about Armageddon or Ragnarok or the End of Days or a spin-off to that Gena Davis-Is-President show? Whatever you want to call the end of the world? Seriously, anyone can chime in. I really want to know.

Caveat: no vague answers involving the sanctity of marriage. just some vagary, please

Since no one is listening...A List

of all the reasons that I hate the winter.

1. its cold. i try not to take it personally but it feels like my balls are under constant attack.

2. its dark. i just got out of a study session early and i'm thinking "sweet. its 5 o'clock. i can go out and enjoy the rest of the day." its pitch black.

3. the frozen homeless really cramp my style. either they freeze to the bottom of your car where they crawled for heat and it takes like 3 hours with a scrapper to get them off or they freeze, fall over and break leaving big red indigent chunks at every other intersection.

4. i hate parades. and why are they all now? see#1

5. i get fat. i think my father was a grizzly. though i am fairly bereft of body hair, this time of year seems to pack on the pounds. its likely because this weather inspires people to bake, for some reason. Ah, pies! too cold to run (see #1) and too dark to get up and drive to the gym (see#2).

6. TV blows. 4 months past Sweeps Week and 4 months from Season Finales. all my shows are on cruise control doing the speed limit on the interstate. Yawn.

7. it just killed Mr. Miyagi!!! a moment of silence for Pat Morita...

8.

9. its ugly. nature, like my gonads, seems to beat a hasty retreat into Mexico. the whole country looks like a Felini film.

10. Movies are kinda gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that). nothing hard hitting ocmes out when its winter. its all happy kids and magical lions. no one is in a good enough mood to see some ass-stomping, popcorn-swilling brainlessness. why? see#1,9 and especially 3.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

As good as the others. Scary for little kids.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Walk the Line

The music, the story and Joaquin shine brilliantly! Classic!

Chuck Norris Is Your Dad...And Your GrandDad

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Serenity
Clever dialogue, but nothing remarkable. Wait for it on Encore.

In Lieu of Listening in Class...A List

this installment finds me in Employment Law class, discussing the merits of a sexual harassment case that strangely makes me think of gangster films. Maybe its the abuse of women or maybe its the supremacy of the Boss in the workplace. anyway, here is a list of what i think are the best films ever in the gagster genre, in no particular order. let me go on the record as saying that i think the true gangster film genre didnt begin until Hollywood discovered the Real Mafia in the 70's. Fuck 1950s Chicago gangster films, see? Feel free to add to.

Godfather I & II (not III)
Goodfellas
Miller's Crossing
Road to Perdition
Gangster No. 1
Once Upon a Time in America
Scarface
Reservoir Dogs
Pulp Fiction
King of New York
Snatch
City of God
Heat
the Usual Suspects

Bullet Proof Judge: the Revenge of the W

Harriet was a wash. True, she had boobs, but that isnt enough to make us say "Hey, a girl! Come on in!" Besides, they didnt seem to be very NICE boobs. So W sits back in his saddle and says "Fuck with me, will ya? Okay, lets see you hippies whine about this one!" Well I being one of the liberal douchebags that W would likely call a tree-hugger (though i find bark rather un-cuddly) i must admit that this guy is a juggernaut. Ivy league, young appointment, Atty General's Office. If Jesus had retained this guy, Pilate would have overruled his OWN objections and we'd all be Buddhists. So why is it that i feel the whining is about to begin in spades? i find that a nicely aged gouda goes best with a winter whine, don't you?

Sham-a-lot

JFK's adminidtration, with its peaks and valleys, has gone down in history as Camelot, a golden time for the White House. I thought the above might be a fitting title for the current admin. to carry into the future. Shady election results, questionable war motives, dishonest past dealings, checkered criminal history, poor nominations and current scandals reaching all the way to the VP. Kennedy made many of the same mistakes, but managed to shine all the while. W just sits there like a car that has a good coat of dried carnuba wax on it, but no one to chamois it clean. I am sure that any criticism will draw fire to me, but come on people! Supporting W just cuz you're a Republican is like saying OJ was innocent just cuz you are black. I can't blame OJ, but I can't say he didn't do it...cuz he did.

News from the Slow Bus

http://www.alchemysite.com/blog/Leaker_Wilson_part_1.pdf

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Elizabethtown
Brilliant. Underrated. If you have lost someone, watch this film.

Maybe I'm Gay, But...

I hate sports. Watching them, that is! I love being have unconscious from my tryptophan-laced turkey binge on Thanksgiving, braving the chilly mountain air and laying down some leather in a family football game running from driveway to driveway. what i cant do is the "insert hand into pants, ooze onto the couch and scream at an inanimate object (i.e. my t.v.). why am i excited about a game involving a team i didnt bet on/have a stake in from a town i have only been to once (and was likely so drunk i cant recall much of the city except how clean their barroom toilets are)? i cheer for my school because that is where i am (Go Vols, you sorry bastards! Go!). that doesnt make me a fan. why should i care about who gets drafted onto what team and then makes more in a month than i will EVER make in a year? i was raised by a woman and that is likely why i just dont get it. someone be my daddy and explain it to me. Especially baseball. what the hell? if that "sport" got any slower it would be on C-SPAN. they need a shot clock! so whats the deal peeps? my mom skipped that lesson, but boy can i cook!
i will admit that i do watch boxing, but thats a whole different world. it could last 19 seconds (Tyson v. Spinks) or it could go the distance...but at least i know how long that will be from the outset. double overtime my ass. maybe thats it, maybe its ADHD.

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Ong-Bak
Story blows. The star is inhuman! 90 minute demo.

A Bird in the Hand...

it seems that George W. Bush has nominated a gimmick..pardon me..a woman to serve as the newest Supreme Court Justice. Unruffle those feathers, ladies! I am all for women's rights. If I had a bra, it would have been engulfed in flames long ago. But here is the rub. this woman is not a judge, never has been and isnt even well versed it seems in the intricacies of Constitutional and legislative history. this is the smartest thing "W" has ever done. Now there is someone else who is going to be even more inept at their high-profile government position than he is. If your speech sucks, make sure you go o before the kid with the stutter. Now THAT is how you polish a turd!

"No Joke" Joke

This girl of the blonde persuasion was sittng next to me in the common meeting area reading. the TV is always on CNN and i happened to glance up and see the "crawl" saying something about a 12 Brazilians dying in a fire. this lovely lady turns to me and says "Oh, wow. That's awful! How many are in a Brazilian?"

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
Interesting perspective. Not really scary. That bitch was crazy!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Corpse Bride
Creepy, classic fairy tale. Nightmare was a bit better, though.

Things that make me go "hmm..."

Its off to another party tonight with all my law school chums. Well, two parties actually. And its not like I didn't go out (with a bang) all this week.
here is the burning question for the day...Does the practice of law attract drunken reprobates or does the study of all things legal drive one to ring up a weekly bar tab that is larger than one's monthly utility bill? And what does that say about the Law? I mean, think about it. Either trying to wrap your brain around Civ Pro burns holes in your forebrain, reducing your reasoning while enlarging your liver...OR...only with bloodshot eyes, beer-breath and an Excedrin 5000 hangover can you look at a term like "res ipsa loquitor" and not think "oh yeah, that's that Batman villain". (heh. Next time I am in court trying to argue that all car accidents have inherent negligence issues involved, I hope I shout "Its Ras Al Ghul, your Honor") which ever way you look at it, those who protect your rights are those least likely to be righteous.

i stole this...

10 Years Ago...
I was a security guard for Kellogg. I was opposed to drinking and alcohol. I was living with my mom. Masturbated.
5 Years Ago...
I was a Sophomore in college. I was drunk every day, except Mother's Day. I was still averse to tatoos. Masturbated.
2 Years Ago...
I was just starting Law School. I was drunk only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Fridays and Satudays and some Sundays. Didn't drink on Thanksgiving. Have a tattoo from my elbow to my sternum and one on my back. Dating.
1 Year Ago...
I was over Law School. I was only drunk at infrequent parties and all holidays. Making better dating choices.
Yesterday...
I am on the Law School Outpatient Program. I need more tattoos. Hungover from Sunday (don't ask). Co-habitating.

Rant 2

as of late, there have been numerous complaints as to the painfully high gas prices throughout the US. i will agree that an $.80 rise in price overnight seems a bit excessive. "Holy shit, it cost me 75 bucks to fill up the 600 sq. ft. apartment i call an SUV! how can this be?"
first of all, though you may cry "this is America" at what i am about to say, you have no business driving that monsterous piece of shit around in the first place. its a "utility" vehicle! what the hell are you hauling, you consumer-whore you? your admittedly-spoiled, highly obese children? You and your fat-cat yuppy hubby and Norman Rockwell AKC doggy that is so "well-bred" that its mom was its sister? groceries? what ever happened to a station wagon? dodge makes that Magnum kick-ass station wagon. gone are the days of the Griswald-mobile...you have no excuse!
secondly, i know that at some point, there was a commercial break between the OC and Laguna Beach and you noticed something about some bad weather in Louisiana. sure sure, maybe its all a plot to make you think that gas is now somehow rare and that we need to pay more. maybe george bush created the hurricane with his Dr. Evil Weather Dominator. whatever. the point is that people are far worse off than you are having to lay out 10 bucks more at the pumps. fill up and shut up and wait for it all to blow over. crisis is not an American car company and its not a religious figure. let it go.

CD Review In 10 Words or Less

the White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan.
Perfect, "but-for" her singing. Stop or get lessons!

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Kung Fu Hustle.
Great fun. A little wacky.Looney Tunes, Hidden Dragon.

Things I Have Learned So Far In Law School

1. the more you skip a class, the less likely you are to get called on that day.
2. never let a pansy hold you up in a keg stand.
3. Ramen noodles are worse for you than most alcoholic beverages.
4. professors ask many of those questions because they truly don't know the answers.
5. being 1/3rd a lawyer can get you laid.
6. "in the interest of equity, speed and justice" is the answer to all Civ Pro questions.
7. "clerk" is Latin for bitch.
8. real memos are never more than 7 sentences long. otherwise you have to read it to your boss.
9. after the fourth Irish Car Bomb, all of tomorrow's classes are cancelled.
10. you realize you are a fucked up nerd who can never be cool again when you find any of this funny.

Que?

What the figgity fuck is this all about?This is what happens when NAFTA gets out of hand. Nobody was manning the port authority office when this shipment of chihuahuas rolled in.

Funny

I never thought I'd say this, but apparently Law Review editors can be pretty effing funny. Check it!http://wingsandvodka.blogs.com/blog/MockTrialTransferMotion.pdf

Immortality

Today, as I was out shopping for groceries, I realized that it is entirely possible that I could leave this world one day without having every really made an impact on anyone other that those in my immediate circle of friends. I want someone else in this life to know who I am and to have my name etched on their soul, to be a driving force for a great change in a random individual's life. At that moment, I saw an unattended child crying in the aisle I was strolling by. the kid couldn't have been more than 10 or 11 years old. leaving my cart at the end of the row, I approached the weeping lad and stopped right beside him. Immediately, the boy ceased his crying and looked up at me with his big soulful eyes that had seen little of the hardships of the world. the bot managed a smile just as I placed a well-aimed kick to his midsection. as I rained down a torrent of kicks and stomps on his young, fragile frame, I repeated over and over again "My name is Willie". at last I had done it, I had given my life purpose. This boy will carry my name with him his entire life. he will use it as either a motivating factor to become stronger or as material around which to structure his nightmares. i figure that 11 is old enough to ensure that the events of that fateful day in Kroger will not be muddled by childish exaggeration and just young enough to avoid any puberty induced ADHD that might allow him to "move on" without some intensive therapy. At last...I am immortal!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

RedEye
Predictable fun. Starts well. Ends Flat. Rent it.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

the 40 Year Old Virgin
Funny! WeddingCrashers and American Pie had a foul-mouthed child!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Crash
Harsh. Extreme. Well acted. Surprising. Not for "PC" people.

Movie Reviw In 10 Words or Less

Sky High
Good, clean family fun. John Hughes meets the Superfriends

Rant 1

first off, let me just say that just because you can blog, doesn't mean you should. sure, the internet is infinite but that does not excuse every douchebag with 26 keys and a phone line to spill the useless minutia of their lives out into the world. just because you have space in the trunk of your car, doesnt mak it a good place to take a shit. we could care less about your bad hair days unless you want to post pictures. "woe is me" blogging is only good for a few entries, after that no one gives a monkey's left nut!
dont post pics of your cat and you aunt and your ugly mug wearing your fav band tshirt! talk about something. if you arent entertaining, you shouldnt be blogging. if its someone to talk to you are seeking, see a shrink.
more to come...

God Complex for Dummies

As many of you know, I recently announced my acceptance of my Party's nomination for the position of God. It is an honor to be chosen and I will do everything possible to live up to their expectations! First off, I'd like to say that this campaign is not about smearing the work already done by my opponent. Since Time began, he (pardon me, He) has held it all together. But here on Earth, it is time for a change. Initially, it sounded like a good idea to make Godhood a lifetime position, but who has the nerve to, on Day One, to use His power to then make Himself immortal? My opponent has that nerve! I will not pretend that I do not make mistakes, but I have the courage to admit when I am wrong. I do not pawn them off as "Mysterious Ways"! Nipples on men! Mosquitos! Tornados! Useless things, unless He has something against trailer parks. There you will see plenty of all three!
Well I promise that when I am God, we will have referendums weekly! You like skeeters, man-boobs and twisters? Then the trailer parks are out!
To Be Continued!

Summer Movie Sadness

Let me just start this by saying that I am one of the biggest lovers of cinema that I know. I tetter right on that edge between "being in the know" and "being that annoying, pretensious douche-bag that thinks every flick must be high art and that anything done in color or since 1945 or made in America is tripe".
I lke a good, harrowing plot. I also like it when shit blows up real good! All that being said, let me say that most of the films released lately have been pretty weak. i mean, I hate to be the one to say this but almost all the really good films are now indie films (Napoleon Dynamite, Touching the Void, Crash). I mean, Hollywood seems to have become Holly-Won't! Did you know that over half the major releases of the past 12 months have been either remakes or sequels or adaptations of old tv series. there seems to be no original thought left in L.A..
Batman, Fantastic 4, Dukes of Hazzard, Bewitched, the Longest Yard...it goes on and on.
Dont get me wrong, some of these rehashes are great films, but how long can you stand on the shoulders of giants before their collarbones crack?
Being a reformed comic book nerd (824 days since my last purchase and still going strong thanks to my sponsor, a fucking sex life!), I was overjoyed to see that technology had reached the point where my childhood (and adolescent and young adult! Own your addictions, people) favorite heroes and villains could come to life, merging my two cherished mediums. But now, its getting to be a bit much. X-Men, Batman, Superman...okay! Great! Sin City was a perfect translation. But now i hear the lame ass spinoffs will begin in 2006 and 2007. Magneto the Movie? Yay! Let's go watch a film about a crusty old man in purple flitting about and movng metal with his mind!!! Garbage! Iron Man? Most people dont even know who he is! I know in my heart that Archie & Jughead and the West Coast Avengers will be coming soon.
Well, my time has grown short. I have to get a passport today and have nomore time for you! Tune in next time when I launch my campaign for Godhood!!!

Inauguration

Hello and welcome to this giant miasma of mindless ramblings and unsolicited attacks! We all have alot to say, so let's begin shall we?