Laughter is the Universal Language

You dont have to understand a word a man is saying to know that a guy with a squeeky voice is funny in any tongue. And no amount of wheel-chair bound tragedy can change that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w3evmb-z4Y&NR

We Speak Your Name...

to all those we lost in 2006
The vocal stylings of Lou Rawls
The powerful acting presence of Shelley Winters
The wit and wonder of Don Knotts and Red Buttons
The activism of Corretta Scott King
The...mindless fluff of Aaron Spelling
The distinction of Mike Douglas and Ed Bradley
No more push-ups for Jack Palance
Steve Irwin...you beauty!

And hello to all the new arrivals
Harper Robinson
Suri Cruise
Barron Trump
Jayden Federlin
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
See you kids in rehab!!!

An Uncivil Action

I am suing my baby.
The constant yelling and debasement, the damage to my psyche, the sleep deprivation.
There has to be a cause of action in there somewhere. I figure an IIED claim might survive summary judgment. And boy do I have pain and suffering!
If I wanted someone to poop and puke on me, I'd pay for it. At least that way, they would respect the "safe word". My screaming "tsetse fly!" in the middle of the night seems a bit odd out of context.
And I figure since all the work I do benefits her, there might be an employer/employee relationship there. At least enough to argue some unfair practices or unequal treatment.
I have already heard from her attorney on these claims. She says that she, as a minor of only 9 weeks of age, cannot possibly form the necessary intent. She also claims that at all times I brought my own equipment to the job and am not a regularly paid worker, thereby classifying me as an independent contractor, defeating my EmpDiscrim claim.
Clever baby.
I think if I could get some sleep, I'd be able to form a good counter argument. Maybe get an OP.
So tired.

A Haiku to General Tso

Battle hardened, yet
Tender. Blood and sauce. Poultry.
Cavalry. Ride! Ride!

Eureka!!!

I have no real love for trees. I mean they are great to climb when you are a kid and to lie under when you don't really have a fucking job and that whole 'oxygen purification thing' (which may be a hoax concocted by trees) but I don't really think about them from day to day. Like the homeless of the flora world, I pass them daily and usually ignore them, unless one falls into the road in front of my car. And don't try hugging one...It chaffs.
Anyway, I was getting lecture about wasting office supplies (I guess pointing out that paper DOES grow on trees) I came up with the solution for all this deforestation for paper. Silly putty.
Check it out. Instead of mailing off copies, xeroxing and faxing shit on all this clean paper, slap on some sillyputty, make a copy of your legal docs and roll it up and dribble it down to the court house! Awesome!
You trees can thank me later.

Only Funny Cuz Its True

My boss put an ad in a local small town paper asking for people to come forward regarding incidents (not incidences) of police and guards abusing inmates in the prison. Well today i got this call:
Me: So tell me your story
Him: Well I was inside for about 10 days and I was brutalized and sodomized.
Me: Man sorry to hear that (while thinking chi-ching!)
Him: Yeah, the kept saying 'you're cute' and 'come over here' and they kept offering me smokes and candy.
Me: Huh?
Him: And like an idiot I went over there and the next thing I know their kissing on me and rubbing my butt. And they didnt even give me the smokes!
Me: Were these the guards or the inmates?
Him: The prisoners, man! And the NEXT thing i know, theres a pencil in my butt. You cant tell nobody right? Privilege and such?
Me: Shit. >click<

In the Spirit of Festivus...

The Airing of Grievances!

*When did Black people rise to the status level that racists think they can tell us racist jokes about Mexicans?

*How is it that 10% of the population is supposed to be gay but that 10% along with all its supporters only managed a 2% turn out on the change to the Constitutions this last election?

*There aint shit extreme about Tickle Me Elmo Xtreme

*No one told the networks it was OK to NOT air any new shows during December/January. Mid-season break my ass!

*Paris Hilton is famous for being famous. Aint that a bitch?

*Lawyers Lie! To everyone! Including themselves.

*the gift-buying has gotten out of control. but now that i can afford to buy some gifts everyone is all like "nah, you got a new baby so forget it". well fuck that! the holidays are all about showing those you love just how much you make! where was that sympathy for my finances when i was living off that sorry ass government check that showed up bi-annually and always 3 weeks after the holidays? what a gyp!

Life's Little Mysteries

There are things in life that you build up to mythic proportions, because you never believe you will actually experience them.
We fantasize about travelling to distant planets and meeting new races. We extrapolate what the afterlife holds, where we go when we die.
But here is one magic valley I thought never to truly traverse in any way. This is the much touted and guess at VJ of one of the most famous ladies on Earth.
Screw those spacemen! This is a real close encounter!
Dont act like you dont like it.

To the World...

Candy bars have always made me feel really good inside. no matter how bad

life got. But I never suspected they could reproduce that feeling in a commercial. In song, no less! Every second of this commercial has a priceless moment, whether a look or a lyric, it is pure genius. And the way the song wins over the Black guy...classic!