Joker: I figured out how to make my penis 8 inches long.
Straight Man: Yeah? How?
Joker: Fold it in half.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
You Know You're Losing When
the Judge calls you in chambers and tells you your client looks like a "hollow-eyed drug addict...and she looks better than the last time she was here".
At that point, just punch him in the junk and steal his gavel on the way out.
At that point, just punch him in the junk and steal his gavel on the way out.
BrainStorm
Okay
My firm is suing a local law enforcement agency which shall remain nameless. Both sides are peopled by the finest legal procrastinators in the business. As a result, we slept on the depo deadlines and had to motion for a new schedule. Problem is, Judge FuckForBrains ShitWeasel III denied it. Said it would make things to difficult. So his solution is to have us do a trial with no depositions. Nice job, Douche.
SOOO whats the answer? Well I have come up with a few solutions to this quandary. Tell me what my chances are.
1. Non-suit and try again later. Upside: We may get more time to depo. Downside: since this is a government agency in federal court, we may lose our shot.
2. Kill the Judge the day before the trial. Upside: they have to assign a new Judge that is familiar with the case and that takes weeks and a possible mistrial w/o prejudice. Or something. Downside: Some judges pack heat! I think that's what kill Steve Irwin.
3. Move for a continuance. Up: If granted, we'll get tons more time. Down: NoGood Marshall could veto another one.
4. Go Balls Out and Argue It Anyway!!! Up: there's nothing cooler than just winging a federal fucking trial! Down: no doubt, we WILL lose. in a Dynamic manner not seen since Grenada.
I think our best option is to:
1.drink all night before the trial, then
2. watch My Cousin Vinny at least 3 times that night, and
3. show up in Court and argue the wrong case the whole time! Refuse to ask any of the right question. Cross exam the cops on what the standard of care at their hospital is for treating a spastic colon or where they were on the night of February 30, 2008.
And when the Judge declares us in contempt we will either point at the opposing counsel and shout "Yeah! Take that!!" or scream "We have nothing BUT contempt for this court!!!"
I can't wait.
maritime
My firm is suing a local law enforcement agency which shall remain nameless. Both sides are peopled by the finest legal procrastinators in the business. As a result, we slept on the depo deadlines and had to motion for a new schedule. Problem is, Judge FuckForBrains ShitWeasel III denied it. Said it would make things to difficult. So his solution is to have us do a trial with no depositions. Nice job, Douche.
SOOO whats the answer? Well I have come up with a few solutions to this quandary. Tell me what my chances are.
1. Non-suit and try again later. Upside: We may get more time to depo. Downside: since this is a government agency in federal court, we may lose our shot.
2. Kill the Judge the day before the trial. Upside: they have to assign a new Judge that is familiar with the case and that takes weeks and a possible mistrial w/o prejudice. Or something. Downside: Some judges pack heat! I think that's what kill Steve Irwin.
3. Move for a continuance. Up: If granted, we'll get tons more time. Down: NoGood Marshall could veto another one.
4. Go Balls Out and Argue It Anyway!!! Up: there's nothing cooler than just winging a federal fucking trial! Down: no doubt, we WILL lose. in a Dynamic manner not seen since Grenada.
I think our best option is to:
1.drink all night before the trial, then
2. watch My Cousin Vinny at least 3 times that night, and
3. show up in Court and argue the wrong case the whole time! Refuse to ask any of the right question. Cross exam the cops on what the standard of care at their hospital is for treating a spastic colon or where they were on the night of February 30, 2008.
And when the Judge declares us in contempt we will either point at the opposing counsel and shout "Yeah! Take that!!" or scream "We have nothing BUT contempt for this court!!!"
I can't wait.
maritime
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Legal Brief
Someone asked me the other day how my lawsuit against my baby is going.
Well...
I couldn't find a lawyer to represent me against my own infant and the judge laughed when I asked for appointed counsel.
I filed the intentional infliction of emotional distress claim. My baby promptly countered with a malicious prosecution suit ( some nonsense about my "duty") and informed me that I filed against an 'infant' and that she would age out of that class soon, creating unique status offense issues.
I tried to get her to settle out of court, to agree to one good night's sleep per week.
She refused.
I may have to nonsuit to preserve my claim.
Well...
I couldn't find a lawyer to represent me against my own infant and the judge laughed when I asked for appointed counsel.
I filed the intentional infliction of emotional distress claim. My baby promptly countered with a malicious prosecution suit ( some nonsense about my "duty") and informed me that I filed against an 'infant' and that she would age out of that class soon, creating unique status offense issues.
I tried to get her to settle out of court, to agree to one good night's sleep per week.
She refused.
I may have to nonsuit to preserve my claim.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Why I Became A Lawyer
I spent an entire day in court yesterday, championing the rights of an elderly lady against her estranged husband. He violated an Order of Protection and I had to fight.
Before your chest gets all swollen with pride, let me tell you what he did wrong.
Apparently, the Order stated "the Respondent (thats the Husband) may not enter the laundry room of the retirement high rise in which they both reside except on Sundays and Mondays after 9pm".
He washed his clothes on a Thursday.
Thats it. I will avoid the obvious jokes about airing dirty laundry and just say:
1. Shame on the Court for ever drafting this Order.
2. This little old lady wanted him to do jail time. And he's older than her and we had to reset the case once because he had a heart attack.
3. The bailiff laughed the whole time.
4. and the clerk.
5. and the Judge
6. and me.
7. He almost went to jail and will serve 5 days if ever in the laundry room outside of the prescribed parameters for washing his drawers.
I bet chiropractors never have to do this shit.
Before your chest gets all swollen with pride, let me tell you what he did wrong.
Apparently, the Order stated "the Respondent (thats the Husband) may not enter the laundry room of the retirement high rise in which they both reside except on Sundays and Mondays after 9pm".
He washed his clothes on a Thursday.
Thats it. I will avoid the obvious jokes about airing dirty laundry and just say:
1. Shame on the Court for ever drafting this Order.
2. This little old lady wanted him to do jail time. And he's older than her and we had to reset the case once because he had a heart attack.
3. The bailiff laughed the whole time.
4. and the clerk.
5. and the Judge
6. and me.
7. He almost went to jail and will serve 5 days if ever in the laundry room outside of the prescribed parameters for washing his drawers.
I bet chiropractors never have to do this shit.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Hiroshima Made Them Stronger
Tune in to the G4 network and watch 'Ninja Warrior'. Its like MXC, but mostly taken very seriously. Only two men have completed the 4 part course in the show's 17 season history. Check your local listings.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Gripe
Okay, so this is me bitching to the void, since no one but Dr. Girlfriend and Baby read this thing.
When I was a young lad, there was a trifecta of "good" and honorable jobs that any parent would be proud to say their kid had chosen as their profession: Doctor, Accountant and...drum roll...Lawyer. Now, why was that? Was it the level of education and achievement attached to those degrees? Or was it the wealth associated with the practice of any of the above? Granted, there were others: engineer, teacher, etc., but what happened to attorneys?
Did a bubble pop in the 80s? Was there a mad rush to law schools and a simulatneous lowering of entrance standards? Is there a glut and how, short of genocide, do we fix it?
It seems to me there should be enough evil to go around, but there isnt. Are people becoming less criminal, staying married longer, managing there finances better? Watching so much CSI and Law and Order that there is nothing left for us to do?
All I know is, most of the attorneys I know make less per year than their postman.
Not saying I have a sense of entitlement. I live well below my means, but thats just a product of my upbringing. I just wonder if everyone who went to law school knew that they have to WANT to practice law, not just have a "good" job. Cuz sometimes this sucker dont pay out. And I hear the grumbles.
I just wanna know what happened to the trifeca of jobs I wanted for myself as a kid: paleontologist, fireman, astronaut.
Maybe I'll start wearing a flight suit to work, with "BUZZ" on the name tag and change my firm name to "the Right Stuff & Assoc.".
When I was a young lad, there was a trifecta of "good" and honorable jobs that any parent would be proud to say their kid had chosen as their profession: Doctor, Accountant and...drum roll...Lawyer. Now, why was that? Was it the level of education and achievement attached to those degrees? Or was it the wealth associated with the practice of any of the above? Granted, there were others: engineer, teacher, etc., but what happened to attorneys?
Did a bubble pop in the 80s? Was there a mad rush to law schools and a simulatneous lowering of entrance standards? Is there a glut and how, short of genocide, do we fix it?
It seems to me there should be enough evil to go around, but there isnt. Are people becoming less criminal, staying married longer, managing there finances better? Watching so much CSI and Law and Order that there is nothing left for us to do?
All I know is, most of the attorneys I know make less per year than their postman.
Not saying I have a sense of entitlement. I live well below my means, but thats just a product of my upbringing. I just wonder if everyone who went to law school knew that they have to WANT to practice law, not just have a "good" job. Cuz sometimes this sucker dont pay out. And I hear the grumbles.
I just wanna know what happened to the trifeca of jobs I wanted for myself as a kid: paleontologist, fireman, astronaut.
Maybe I'll start wearing a flight suit to work, with "BUZZ" on the name tag and change my firm name to "the Right Stuff & Assoc.".
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Ghoul Pool
This is a new tradition starting now for those disturbed and adventurous enough to join in. The idea is simple...name 10 celebrities (film, TV, Music, Art, Entertainment, Politics) who you think will not survive 2007. One point for people over 50(for example, Jack Nicholson), two for those under (Lindsey Lohan), three for the young ones who live clean or the very young (Dakota Fanning). Dont be afraid. You're already going to Hell anyway.
1. Martin Landau
2. Wilford Brimley
3. Kirk Douglass
4. Bettie Page
5. Tom Sizemore
6. Andy Griffith
7. Henry Hill
8. BB King
9. Colin Farrell
10. Liz Taylor
1. Martin Landau
2. Wilford Brimley
3. Kirk Douglass
4. Bettie Page
5. Tom Sizemore
6. Andy Griffith
7. Henry Hill
8. BB King
9. Colin Farrell
10. Liz Taylor
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Resolutions
1. To not be photographed exiting a vehilce visibly not wearing panties.
2. To start no new wars.
3. To execute twice as many dictators as '06.
4. To lose weight. And since muscles weigh twice as much as fat, I think I can reach my goal fastest by losing as much muscle as I can.
5. To take up smoking, since everyone in my office smokes and I am likely dying from second hand smoking cancer, but never got the benefit of the nic buzz.
6. Get detained for contempt of court at least once.
7. Refer to at least one of my opposing counsel as "fuck-nut" during an in-court proceeding.
8. Get to work on developing a Class A Lawyer Liver.
9. Sue God.
10. Be good to my family.
2. To start no new wars.
3. To execute twice as many dictators as '06.
4. To lose weight. And since muscles weigh twice as much as fat, I think I can reach my goal fastest by losing as much muscle as I can.
5. To take up smoking, since everyone in my office smokes and I am likely dying from second hand smoking cancer, but never got the benefit of the nic buzz.
6. Get detained for contempt of court at least once.
7. Refer to at least one of my opposing counsel as "fuck-nut" during an in-court proceeding.
8. Get to work on developing a Class A Lawyer Liver.
9. Sue God.
10. Be good to my family.
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