As I sit here trying to decipher the mad analogies of my Estate Planning Professor (how is a trust like a train), I think it necessary to make a quick statement. I have been accused, on more than one occasion, of making blanket statements that offend the sensitive. Let me set the record straight. I DO NOT make blanket statements. Except the one I just made about blanket statements. When I make a statement in this bling, I always leave the possibility open in my mind that I am wrong or that I am not covering all the bases. Making blanket statements is like flagging down the cops with a bloody shirt on and a gun in my hand: you tend to take shots that you may not deserve. True: Oprah is an egomaniacal, self-absorbed bajillionairess. She is also the Oprah who just built and gave away all the homes in a subdivision to victims of Katrina. Sure I said that alot of us are in law school out of pure good fortune. That is not to say that those here dont work hard. But it easily could have been someone else in my seat if not for my "clever entry essay" (ask me about it sometimes). Only racists and art critics make blanket statements and think that its all good. When you have a problem with my statements:
1. remember, this is just me ranting
2. remember, this is my bling, so I GET to say whatever I want
3. problem? fire off a comment about it, but not at me
4. remember this Out Clause.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
A Rose By Any Other Name...
I dont like the word 'blog'. not many things that end in "og" are good things: frogs, clogs, bogs, polliwogs. From now on, I decree this website to be...(drumroll)...my Bling!
Bored of Education
People on let the truth "slip". when they are mad, when they are 6 sheets to the winds (whatever that means) or when they think they are among their peers. They blurt out all those shadowy nuggets of true honesty that lurk in the darkest, Section 8 subsidized portion of the soul. what i tend to run into in law school are those who feel their place in this world puts them above those outside these marbled walls. they mistake education for being "smart". they make comments about other's failure to surpass high school/college/grad or post-grad as making that person "less than". well let me make two quick points here:
1. some of the wisest and more successful people I know are people who didn't have time to spend years in school. Babies had to be fed and bill paid. some people are bold enough to feel they didn't need to hide in school and stockpile degrees, that really only amount to wall art for which you ultimately pay thousands (take THAT Thomas Kincade). face it, we are here because we need the armorof education to give us the confidence to do what these "uneducated" people do everyday and likely have been doing daily since they were 16. Pussies. We all won the lottery here. not everyone who failed to get in failed to live up to the "standard". and some of us don't really belong here either.
2. you think that acceptance letter makes you all growed up now? let us count the ways that law school is only high school with a fatter price tag:
a. Unplanned/Unwanted pregnancies
b. Fighting over someone else's/no one else's man or woman.
c. RAMPANT promiscuity
d. Binge drinking
e. Cliques
f. Gossip
g. Looking down on underclassmen
h. scary lunchroom lady
All that's missing is P.E. and many of us could use a few laps. I don't know whether we need to grow up or grow down, but this attitude has got to go. I know that I was one "wrong place at the wrong time" situation away from being one of my clients. Check yourself.
1. some of the wisest and more successful people I know are people who didn't have time to spend years in school. Babies had to be fed and bill paid. some people are bold enough to feel they didn't need to hide in school and stockpile degrees, that really only amount to wall art for which you ultimately pay thousands (take THAT Thomas Kincade). face it, we are here because we need the armorof education to give us the confidence to do what these "uneducated" people do everyday and likely have been doing daily since they were 16. Pussies. We all won the lottery here. not everyone who failed to get in failed to live up to the "standard". and some of us don't really belong here either.
2. you think that acceptance letter makes you all growed up now? let us count the ways that law school is only high school with a fatter price tag:
a. Unplanned/Unwanted pregnancies
b. Fighting over someone else's/no one else's man or woman.
c. RAMPANT promiscuity
d. Binge drinking
e. Cliques
f. Gossip
g. Looking down on underclassmen
h. scary lunchroom lady
All that's missing is P.E. and many of us could use a few laps. I don't know whether we need to grow up or grow down, but this attitude has got to go. I know that I was one "wrong place at the wrong time" situation away from being one of my clients. Check yourself.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Too Deep?
I was strolling around yesterday and realized that about a week ago I stopped saying "goodbye" to people. And not just that particular farewell; no more "see ya", "peace out", "later" or any of that. Well, unless you think "I'm gonna make like a baby and head out" counts.
This left me to ponder the motives for my ceasation of these...is salutation the appropriate term? Anyway, I have two theories.
1. this new-found disdain is rooted in a subconscious fear of the nihilistic underpinnings of saying farewell. that perhaps I am, by saying goodbye, acknowledging the potential end of all things and that I am merely fueling the "Nothing" that consumes us all.
2. I am evolving into an apathetic higher form of being that will not be caught up in the trappings of this "society" that attempts to impose its demands and expectations upon me. That one day I will move beyond all forms of greetings and their use in my vocabulary unless I am trying to gain someone's attention (e.g. "Hey, you!").
Ah well. Time for class. Later.
This left me to ponder the motives for my ceasation of these...is salutation the appropriate term? Anyway, I have two theories.
1. this new-found disdain is rooted in a subconscious fear of the nihilistic underpinnings of saying farewell. that perhaps I am, by saying goodbye, acknowledging the potential end of all things and that I am merely fueling the "Nothing" that consumes us all.
2. I am evolving into an apathetic higher form of being that will not be caught up in the trappings of this "society" that attempts to impose its demands and expectations upon me. That one day I will move beyond all forms of greetings and their use in my vocabulary unless I am trying to gain someone's attention (e.g. "Hey, you!").
Ah well. Time for class. Later.
Monday, February 13, 2006
NewsFlash: Brokeback Trumps Hussein
a recent news article posted the results of a poll of Americans that asked Americans what issues they were most concerned about.
1. Gay Marriage
2. Terrorism
Huh? are we so bass-ackward in this kindergarten of a country that we are more concerned with getting on a plane and sitting next to two guys making out than with some guy trying to light the fuse in his Nikes? That's it! I'm Swiss!
1. Gay Marriage
2. Terrorism
Huh? are we so bass-ackward in this kindergarten of a country that we are more concerned with getting on a plane and sitting next to two guys making out than with some guy trying to light the fuse in his Nikes? That's it! I'm Swiss!
Six Degrees of Oprah Winfrey
There is a theory that everyone in the world is separated from everyone else on Earth by six people. I must assert that, though there may be some truth to this theorem, there is one burning outlier that skews the whole concept: the O. She is the thirteenth planet in this solar system, far removed from our hellish reality. So how did she get there? In the yonder...er beyond Pluto? The same way that any of us end up feeling like we are better than Those Who Dwell In Sessions; she acquired degrees. Not many know this, but O carries not one, not two, but six distinct degrees that separate her from us carbon-based lifeforms and that she wields like a Dolce & Gabana diamond-encrusted lightsaber, carving out a better world in her image.
1. Nutrition and Fitness Doctorate- Dr. Winfrey seems to want to eternally preach to me about what I can and cannot eat if I want to lose weight. Funny that this comes from a woman who has lost, gained, then lost more inches than Fat Phil's defensive line. Eat fewer calories than you burn. Try it, fatty. Stop listening to a habitual gainer. She obviously hasn't got a clue. Its like asking Donald Trump about how to keep a spouse/hair.
2. English Major- Cuz if she says its a good book, it must be. If its good, its good. Its got nothing to do with her. Give her no credit.
3. Law Degree (and subsequent judicial appointment)- did anyone see (of course you did) her crucifixion of that poor Frey guy? She used the better part of an hour to bring him back on her show and force him to go chapter by chapter and outline just where he lied. Lied to HER. How dare he! I'm sure that's some form of blasphemy in some book somewhere. Ok, the guy lied. He bent the truth to get money. Hello! That's what junkies DO! He doesn't know any other way. Its still a good book, though I see that O took her "Book Club" stamp off the cover. Damn! Headline...May 17th,2006..."O turns Ex-junkie Back into Junkie." Cuz you know that's all he wants to do now is get high again. Thanks O. Judge Winfrey, changing lives every day. Take off the white wig and chill.
4. Psychology- My favorite moments on her show are when she is talking to someone with problems (i.e., every episode that she is not celebrating how great God, and by God I mean O, is) and they pour out their souls on that stage. O leans back on her throne and belches out the most recent asinine New Age theory that her good friend Dr. Phil (the other Fat Phil, the one who had the balls to publish diet books) and she is alllll wrong. And when the person, afraid to dispute the Great O on her Home Court, gives her the "Wellllll..." She interrupts (she does that a lot. she can do that, though. she's O) and continues to hammer her uninformed babble until they cave or she goes to commercial. Bitch. And she clearly minored in manipulation. Do you think she is really spending all that money when she builds a school/buys Illinois a car/ gives away crap? No way. But you think she is. $11,000 per person per year. Your WTTax nerds know what I mean.
5. Interpretive Dance- you know what I's saying, ladies. there goes THAT stereotype. Though I wouldn't put it past her to be a bad dancer on purpose.
a. to disprove the stereotype and establish a new status quo. that's sooo O.
b. to start a new trend of housewives mangling rugs to the beat of O's drums. Just cuz she can. She's O.
6. Political Science- she'll run for office. you'll see. Laugh, but you'll vote for her too. Think about how absurd that is.
Final Rant: Did anyone see O's speech at Coretta King's funeral? I have never heard a eulogy that used the word "I" more than "he/she" (meaning the deceased). Fucked up. Don't think I hate O. I respect her much in the same way you have to respect Castro for hangin' in there. But all I'm sayin' is, wait til she runs for God (or at least to be canonized while alive). O Bless America! gives a new meaning to O, My God. Its all in the comma placement.
1. Nutrition and Fitness Doctorate- Dr. Winfrey seems to want to eternally preach to me about what I can and cannot eat if I want to lose weight. Funny that this comes from a woman who has lost, gained, then lost more inches than Fat Phil's defensive line. Eat fewer calories than you burn. Try it, fatty. Stop listening to a habitual gainer. She obviously hasn't got a clue. Its like asking Donald Trump about how to keep a spouse/hair.
2. English Major- Cuz if she says its a good book, it must be. If its good, its good. Its got nothing to do with her. Give her no credit.
3. Law Degree (and subsequent judicial appointment)- did anyone see (of course you did) her crucifixion of that poor Frey guy? She used the better part of an hour to bring him back on her show and force him to go chapter by chapter and outline just where he lied. Lied to HER. How dare he! I'm sure that's some form of blasphemy in some book somewhere. Ok, the guy lied. He bent the truth to get money. Hello! That's what junkies DO! He doesn't know any other way. Its still a good book, though I see that O took her "Book Club" stamp off the cover. Damn! Headline...May 17th,2006..."O turns Ex-junkie Back into Junkie." Cuz you know that's all he wants to do now is get high again. Thanks O. Judge Winfrey, changing lives every day. Take off the white wig and chill.
4. Psychology- My favorite moments on her show are when she is talking to someone with problems (i.e., every episode that she is not celebrating how great God, and by God I mean O, is) and they pour out their souls on that stage. O leans back on her throne and belches out the most recent asinine New Age theory that her good friend Dr. Phil (the other Fat Phil, the one who had the balls to publish diet books) and she is alllll wrong. And when the person, afraid to dispute the Great O on her Home Court, gives her the "Wellllll..." She interrupts (she does that a lot. she can do that, though. she's O) and continues to hammer her uninformed babble until they cave or she goes to commercial. Bitch. And she clearly minored in manipulation. Do you think she is really spending all that money when she builds a school/buys Illinois a car/ gives away crap? No way. But you think she is. $11,000 per person per year. Your WTTax nerds know what I mean.
5. Interpretive Dance- you know what I's saying, ladies. there goes THAT stereotype. Though I wouldn't put it past her to be a bad dancer on purpose.
a. to disprove the stereotype and establish a new status quo. that's sooo O.
b. to start a new trend of housewives mangling rugs to the beat of O's drums. Just cuz she can. She's O.
6. Political Science- she'll run for office. you'll see. Laugh, but you'll vote for her too. Think about how absurd that is.
Final Rant: Did anyone see O's speech at Coretta King's funeral? I have never heard a eulogy that used the word "I" more than "he/she" (meaning the deceased). Fucked up. Don't think I hate O. I respect her much in the same way you have to respect Castro for hangin' in there. But all I'm sayin' is, wait til she runs for God (or at least to be canonized while alive). O Bless America! gives a new meaning to O, My God. Its all in the comma placement.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
5 Things I Hate Today
1. The Sunsphere- that thing stands in the middle of my city like a boner on a ninety year old man; unwanted, unused, unattractive and way past its day. why have a permanent golden reminder of one freakin' day in the 80's? dump out the wigs and fill that thing with beer, put taps all around the bottom and let the bums play. or push it inot the river and make it an aquarium.
2. People who have the balls to come to this city, live here, breathe our (honestly flawed) air and then BITCH BITCH BITCH about how they hate the town/state/South. I am sure there are law schools wherever you are from. they probably wouldnt take your whiny ass and that's why you are here. you should be blowing the dean for letting your ungrateful mass in here. YOU applied, you weren't drafted. You aren't T.O.. Fuck off.
3. Everyone in General Sessions Court- how is it possible that i can go there, look at the 200 morons in those seats, wearing what they think are dress clothes (you cant put a tie on a buttoned-up polo) awaiting mercy then I come back the next day and there are 200 more! there are always 200 more. it never ends. And, if you listen, half of them are repeat customers. And they get the craziest sentences. Banned from Wal-Mart? What the hell? What's a redneck to do? Starve?
4. Ninjas/Samurais- at the risk of having my head removed the next time I check my mail, these kids kill me. i am all for fostering a love of the martial arts for its discipline and its physical activity level. But some people wear that shit on their sleeve like a patch. Keep that crap to yourself. one unnamed shogun loves to tell anyone that he meets that he is a samurai and constantly cite his sensei in class as a source. First, it is likely that your sensei was the same asshole that you are now when he was younger, spouting off about his master to everyone who didnt care then and dont care now. Second, I doubt that there even a note in a pocket-part dedicated to what ANY sensei has ever said. Not even the Japanese Bluebook gives a shit. Last, anyone can get their ass kicked at anytime by almost anyone. And if you keep tooting your own horn, you will find out what I mean, I'm certain. Cant take your sword to McDonald's, Sho-Nuff!
5. People who tell me they love my blog and tell me all about how they feel about my posts but wont post a comment. Its to the point where I feel as if I am shouting into traffic like Martin Lawrence. My keyboard is my gun. I dont have anything against masturbation, but this is one of those times that you dont want to do this alone.
2. People who have the balls to come to this city, live here, breathe our (honestly flawed) air and then BITCH BITCH BITCH about how they hate the town/state/South. I am sure there are law schools wherever you are from. they probably wouldnt take your whiny ass and that's why you are here. you should be blowing the dean for letting your ungrateful mass in here. YOU applied, you weren't drafted. You aren't T.O.. Fuck off.
3. Everyone in General Sessions Court- how is it possible that i can go there, look at the 200 morons in those seats, wearing what they think are dress clothes (you cant put a tie on a buttoned-up polo) awaiting mercy then I come back the next day and there are 200 more! there are always 200 more. it never ends. And, if you listen, half of them are repeat customers. And they get the craziest sentences. Banned from Wal-Mart? What the hell? What's a redneck to do? Starve?
4. Ninjas/Samurais- at the risk of having my head removed the next time I check my mail, these kids kill me. i am all for fostering a love of the martial arts for its discipline and its physical activity level. But some people wear that shit on their sleeve like a patch. Keep that crap to yourself. one unnamed shogun loves to tell anyone that he meets that he is a samurai and constantly cite his sensei in class as a source. First, it is likely that your sensei was the same asshole that you are now when he was younger, spouting off about his master to everyone who didnt care then and dont care now. Second, I doubt that there even a note in a pocket-part dedicated to what ANY sensei has ever said. Not even the Japanese Bluebook gives a shit. Last, anyone can get their ass kicked at anytime by almost anyone. And if you keep tooting your own horn, you will find out what I mean, I'm certain. Cant take your sword to McDonald's, Sho-Nuff!
5. People who tell me they love my blog and tell me all about how they feel about my posts but wont post a comment. Its to the point where I feel as if I am shouting into traffic like Martin Lawrence. My keyboard is my gun. I dont have anything against masturbation, but this is one of those times that you dont want to do this alone.
Dave, Dave, Dave
Unless you are a friendless deaf-mute in the Congo, you know that Dave Chapelle reappeared in these United States and was pulled into the journalistic no-fly zone that is Oprah. Dont getting the tar and feathers just yet, ladies. I am not blaspheming against your God. I like Oprah. I have a lot of respect for what she does to improve the world around her (charity work, awareness-raising) My problem is she seems to be getting ahead of herself. But I will save all that for another post. What happened with Dave was this: He claimed he wasn't crazy, but he ran off to Africa without telling even his wife and wants to give the bulk of his money to charity.
1. I bet his wife just LOOOOOVED that.
2. Give me the money.
3. Dave is just having guilt about making $50 million for smoking pot, fucking around with his friends and telling inside "N-word" jokes.
I can see how the pressure of going from just a guy and his pals goofing around to having the whole world watching your every move. No one talks the same in public as they do when they are with their friends. Dave feels like he was laughing in a closet with his buddies and someone opened the door. Dave isnt completely nuts, though.
1. Going on Oprah has drawn so much attention to this negotiation that Comedy Central would come out looking like Nazis if they turned him down. Especially after he said the "donate to the people" thing. Who can say no to that?
2. Warning: Lawyer-evil ahead! Dave only said he would "like to" give back to the people. He never said "I will". No contract.
3. As he put it, when addressing the question of his going to Africa and checking into a mental health facility, no one goes from the US to Africa for health care.
This reporter eagerly awaits the outcome of it all. I cannot wait to see the return of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.
He always screams " I'm rich, Bitch!" at the end of every episode. Well, Dave. Now you are.
1. I bet his wife just LOOOOOVED that.
2. Give me the money.
3. Dave is just having guilt about making $50 million for smoking pot, fucking around with his friends and telling inside "N-word" jokes.
I can see how the pressure of going from just a guy and his pals goofing around to having the whole world watching your every move. No one talks the same in public as they do when they are with their friends. Dave feels like he was laughing in a closet with his buddies and someone opened the door. Dave isnt completely nuts, though.
1. Going on Oprah has drawn so much attention to this negotiation that Comedy Central would come out looking like Nazis if they turned him down. Especially after he said the "donate to the people" thing. Who can say no to that?
2. Warning: Lawyer-evil ahead! Dave only said he would "like to" give back to the people. He never said "I will". No contract.
3. As he put it, when addressing the question of his going to Africa and checking into a mental health facility, no one goes from the US to Africa for health care.
This reporter eagerly awaits the outcome of it all. I cannot wait to see the return of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.
He always screams " I'm rich, Bitch!" at the end of every episode. Well, Dave. Now you are.
Monday, February 06, 2006
In Lieu of Listening in Class...A Play
Setting: anonymous classroom in Law School X.
Proctor: Do not turn over your exams until I give the signal.
SmartAss 3L: Why do we have to go through this crap every semester? This does nothing to prepare us for practicing law.
Protor: Well, ______, when you figure out a better way to test the material, you let me know.
SA3L: Hmmm. How about we break into pairs and present these fact patterns as if they were actual cases. Assign one student in each pair as D.A. and one as P.D.. Have them argue both sides using the material to present their case and battle it out. No winners or losers. Just base the grades on how well they apply the material. Give them the fact patterns/case files about 30 minutes in advance, cuz that's gonna happen in the real world all the time. 20 minutes or so. Have two teams going at once, cuz we are already sucking up 2 rooms at once with the laptop/writers thing. How's that?
Proctor: No talking during exams. Turn your papers over and begin.
Proctor: Do not turn over your exams until I give the signal.
SmartAss 3L: Why do we have to go through this crap every semester? This does nothing to prepare us for practicing law.
Protor: Well, ______, when you figure out a better way to test the material, you let me know.
SA3L: Hmmm. How about we break into pairs and present these fact patterns as if they were actual cases. Assign one student in each pair as D.A. and one as P.D.. Have them argue both sides using the material to present their case and battle it out. No winners or losers. Just base the grades on how well they apply the material. Give them the fact patterns/case files about 30 minutes in advance, cuz that's gonna happen in the real world all the time. 20 minutes or so. Have two teams going at once, cuz we are already sucking up 2 rooms at once with the laptop/writers thing. How's that?
Proctor: No talking during exams. Turn your papers over and begin.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
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