I get a lot of calls from the shadier side of my family tree seeking free legal advise and representation. Usually it goes a little like this:
Hey cuz, what's been going on?
Nothing much, you know, living, working...
Hows that baby of yours?
(Now I know somethings up)
Great! Except for the crying and the shoving of electrical wires into her mouth or the desire to drool into my expensive electronics. Peachy.
We dont here from you much any more.
Its called plausible deniability.
What?
I said, is Paul still on disability?
Oh yeah yeah...so anyway I have this problem. Dude is trying to screw me out of about $300 and...
You get the idea folks. So this is a general post to all Loblaw family members out there.
1. it'll cost you 10 times that amount for any lawyer to help you.
2. that includes me
3. I dont like you. thats why I dont call. It has nothing to do with how busy I am. I'm really not all that busy. I have about 6 hours down time a day and you cant have any of it.
4. this phone call will cost you about 38 bucks.
5. I know you're guilty of whatever it is you were asking me about. Remember I was there the last time you did it? Yeah, let it go.
6. Sometimes, just sometimes, bad things happen to bad people.
7. Stop committing crimes. Cops harass you way less when you do. There is a correlation.
8. Oh and yeah...you dont have a case.
Somewhere the Family Ties theme song is playing.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Movie Qoute Game
Name the film, character and actor
"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient...but I do love Fig Newtons!
"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient...but I do love Fig Newtons!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Addendumb
Because I make light of the troubles of the world, people tend to think I make these things up. The latest was in regards to the White Pride Rally this past weekend, but I swear, I couldn't make anything that retarded up. Or I could but why would I, when I can always drop a Paris Hilton joke? Anyway, for the non-believers heres a link. Check out the sign the older lady is holding. It raises some issues about Jesus' heritage that I find particularly interest.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Retraction
So I ended up going to the White Pride Rally. My kid is half white, so its my duty to take her to these kinds of function, right?
Anyway, I was totally wrong about the whole event! I thought it would be all about screaming racial epithets in white robes. Well it wasn't ALL about that. I mean, it was more like a carnival or state fair than anything. They had games for the kiddies like Pin the Crime on the Minority and Mexican pinatas (made with REAL Mexicans!). There were activity tents with lots and lots of literature in easy to read words and crosswords for the parents to do (whats a 4 letter word for "killers of our Lord and Savior"? Starts with a J...hmmm). And you could tell every thought my baby was so pretty by the way they stared and stared...and stared. Anyway, we had snacks and sang songs (mostly hymns and some others I didnt know) but we didnt stay for the bonfire.
Anyway, all in all, it was something to behold.
Can't wait til next year.
Anyway, I was totally wrong about the whole event! I thought it would be all about screaming racial epithets in white robes. Well it wasn't ALL about that. I mean, it was more like a carnival or state fair than anything. They had games for the kiddies like Pin the Crime on the Minority and Mexican pinatas (made with REAL Mexicans!). There were activity tents with lots and lots of literature in easy to read words and crosswords for the parents to do (whats a 4 letter word for "killers of our Lord and Savior"? Starts with a J...hmmm). And you could tell every thought my baby was so pretty by the way they stared and stared...and stared. Anyway, we had snacks and sang songs (mostly hymns and some others I didnt know) but we didnt stay for the bonfire.
Anyway, all in all, it was something to behold.
Can't wait til next year.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
White Sale
I caught wind of news that there is to be a white pride rally this weekend here in Knoxville. Now I have nothing against pride in who you are. I mean, I'm sure this is in reaction to the fact that this is gay pride month or something. And I'm all about elevating my brown people and I cheered for the Latinos when they had there immigration thingy last year.
But here's the problem: historically, white pride ends up being trouble.
First of all, its never populated with the people you want representing your race. The toothless, thoughtless, Dixie flag waving, hateful Wal-Martians. Sooner or later, someone forgets to say white pride and yells out "White Power". Now the veil , or should i say 'sheet', is pulled aside and all hell breaks loose.
There's no need to bring everyone else down just to raise your particular group up. You get pride from reminding everyone else that you are 'better'?
I mean, we all know its great to be white. Duh! You guys get cabs, fewer suspicious glances in convenience stores and you got almost ALL the serial killers!
Anyways, the event is called the StormFront White Pride Rally Against Black Crime or something and its all this weekend by the Knox County Courthouse downtown. Email jewskillchrist@yahoo.com for details (no lie).
1000 points to whomever gets me a pamphlet!
But here's the problem: historically, white pride ends up being trouble.
First of all, its never populated with the people you want representing your race. The toothless, thoughtless, Dixie flag waving, hateful Wal-Martians. Sooner or later, someone forgets to say white pride and yells out "White Power". Now the veil , or should i say 'sheet', is pulled aside and all hell breaks loose.
There's no need to bring everyone else down just to raise your particular group up. You get pride from reminding everyone else that you are 'better'?
I mean, we all know its great to be white. Duh! You guys get cabs, fewer suspicious glances in convenience stores and you got almost ALL the serial killers!
Anyways, the event is called the StormFront White Pride Rally Against Black Crime or something and its all this weekend by the Knox County Courthouse downtown. Email jewskillchrist@yahoo.com for details (no lie).
1000 points to whomever gets me a pamphlet!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I Love DnD
nonono. Not Dungeons and Dragons! Deal or No Deal, baby!
Oh the human drama! If aliens came to our world and wanted to know everything they ever needed to know about us as a race, humanity should offer up any episode of DND.
1. Everyone has a story
2. We start out cheering for them
3. They begin to sweat, fret and bet their lives by round 3 for a shot at the American Dream
4. They may or may not waiver at this point, so we bring in their friends and family to bolster there resolve.
5. In complete ignorance of probabilty and tax consequences, they press on.
6. Now they feel entitled. Now they have forgotten that this is free money and that $25,ooo of windfall cash is NOT an insulting offer for 15 minutes of your time, Mr. Janitor-By-Day
7. Now you hate them and wish them only ill.
8. And you hate their stupid families too. Their only purpose is to egg this pompous ass on into total bankruptcy.
9. Now comes the fall and you are glad, glad, glad. $25 grand is now 50 bucks and there are still 3 cases to open. No Deal!
10. And now it ends and they go home and watch the DVR of their insistence upon looking into the mouth of that gift-horse on their tiny, tiny TV and wonder how much shit they are going to catch at their crap ass jobs the next day and how are they gonna spend that big fat check for one cent.
Howie Mandell exposes more truth about human nature and the soul than Freud and Jung and Kant rolled into one. I think the Banker is Satan.
Oh the human drama! If aliens came to our world and wanted to know everything they ever needed to know about us as a race, humanity should offer up any episode of DND.
1. Everyone has a story
2. We start out cheering for them
3. They begin to sweat, fret and bet their lives by round 3 for a shot at the American Dream
4. They may or may not waiver at this point, so we bring in their friends and family to bolster there resolve.
5. In complete ignorance of probabilty and tax consequences, they press on.
6. Now they feel entitled. Now they have forgotten that this is free money and that $25,ooo of windfall cash is NOT an insulting offer for 15 minutes of your time, Mr. Janitor-By-Day
7. Now you hate them and wish them only ill.
8. And you hate their stupid families too. Their only purpose is to egg this pompous ass on into total bankruptcy.
9. Now comes the fall and you are glad, glad, glad. $25 grand is now 50 bucks and there are still 3 cases to open. No Deal!
10. And now it ends and they go home and watch the DVR of their insistence upon looking into the mouth of that gift-horse on their tiny, tiny TV and wonder how much shit they are going to catch at their crap ass jobs the next day and how are they gonna spend that big fat check for one cent.
Howie Mandell exposes more truth about human nature and the soul than Freud and Jung and Kant rolled into one. I think the Banker is Satan.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Take Me To Your Leader
We live in a universe of conflict. But its always nice to know you have someone to turn to in times of need. Someone who knows how to quell conflicts in every language of every race of creature in all the known galaxies. Thats right, I'm talking about Ms. Japan!!!
Last week, after days of endless hand-to-hand combat, ruthless debate, sleep deprivation, tea leave divination and of course a popular vote, we elected Ms. Japan as the new ruler of All. When Ms. Japan was crowned Ms. Universe, the heavens shook! It was a glorious competition, with contestants from at least 75 different planets and ....
Actually, they were all from here, mostly fro Latin and Central America and it was lame. Miss USA fell on her ass. No combat. No Klingons. Nothing.
Why do they call this Miss Universe? Is she going to halt the war between the Empire and the Rebellion? Will she sit down with Darth Vader and Han Solo and hash out some issues? What does she do, anyway?
Since she's Japanese I assume she can turn into a giant robot and then maybe into a Prius. Then she can drive around and speak on her platform of energy conservation from her unique perspective. Or maybe in times of trouble she grows 100 feet tall and fires lasers from her mouth at North Korea.
All I know is I didnt vote for her, so dont blame me when the aliens arrive with laser guns blazing and you turn to her for guidance and all she can say is "World Peace".
Last week, after days of endless hand-to-hand combat, ruthless debate, sleep deprivation, tea leave divination and of course a popular vote, we elected Ms. Japan as the new ruler of All. When Ms. Japan was crowned Ms. Universe, the heavens shook! It was a glorious competition, with contestants from at least 75 different planets and ....
Actually, they were all from here, mostly fro Latin and Central America and it was lame. Miss USA fell on her ass. No combat. No Klingons. Nothing.
Why do they call this Miss Universe? Is she going to halt the war between the Empire and the Rebellion? Will she sit down with Darth Vader and Han Solo and hash out some issues? What does she do, anyway?
Since she's Japanese I assume she can turn into a giant robot and then maybe into a Prius. Then she can drive around and speak on her platform of energy conservation from her unique perspective. Or maybe in times of trouble she grows 100 feet tall and fires lasers from her mouth at North Korea.
All I know is I didnt vote for her, so dont blame me when the aliens arrive with laser guns blazing and you turn to her for guidance and all she can say is "World Peace".
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