the Dying Art of Nepotism

I get a lot of calls from the shadier side of my family tree seeking free legal advise and representation. Usually it goes a little like this:
Hey cuz, what's been going on?
Nothing much, you know, living, working...
Hows that baby of yours?
(Now I know somethings up)
Great! Except for the crying and the shoving of electrical wires into her mouth or the desire to drool into my expensive electronics. Peachy.
We dont here from you much any more.
Its called plausible deniability.
What?
I said, is Paul still on disability?
Oh yeah yeah...so anyway I have this problem. Dude is trying to screw me out of about $300 and...
You get the idea folks. So this is a general post to all Loblaw family members out there.
1. it'll cost you 10 times that amount for any lawyer to help you.
2. that includes me
3. I dont like you. thats why I dont call. It has nothing to do with how busy I am. I'm really not all that busy. I have about 6 hours down time a day and you cant have any of it.
4. this phone call will cost you about 38 bucks.
5. I know you're guilty of whatever it is you were asking me about. Remember I was there the last time you did it? Yeah, let it go.
6. Sometimes, just sometimes, bad things happen to bad people.
7. Stop committing crimes. Cops harass you way less when you do. There is a correlation.
8. Oh and yeah...you dont have a case.
Somewhere the Family Ties theme song is playing.