Laughter is the Universal Language

You dont have to understand a word a man is saying to know that a guy with a squeeky voice is funny in any tongue. And no amount of wheel-chair bound tragedy can change that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1w3evmb-z4Y&NR

We Speak Your Name...

to all those we lost in 2006
The vocal stylings of Lou Rawls
The powerful acting presence of Shelley Winters
The wit and wonder of Don Knotts and Red Buttons
The activism of Corretta Scott King
The...mindless fluff of Aaron Spelling
The distinction of Mike Douglas and Ed Bradley
No more push-ups for Jack Palance
Steve Irwin...you beauty!

And hello to all the new arrivals
Harper Robinson
Suri Cruise
Barron Trump
Jayden Federlin
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
See you kids in rehab!!!

An Uncivil Action

I am suing my baby.
The constant yelling and debasement, the damage to my psyche, the sleep deprivation.
There has to be a cause of action in there somewhere. I figure an IIED claim might survive summary judgment. And boy do I have pain and suffering!
If I wanted someone to poop and puke on me, I'd pay for it. At least that way, they would respect the "safe word". My screaming "tsetse fly!" in the middle of the night seems a bit odd out of context.
And I figure since all the work I do benefits her, there might be an employer/employee relationship there. At least enough to argue some unfair practices or unequal treatment.
I have already heard from her attorney on these claims. She says that she, as a minor of only 9 weeks of age, cannot possibly form the necessary intent. She also claims that at all times I brought my own equipment to the job and am not a regularly paid worker, thereby classifying me as an independent contractor, defeating my EmpDiscrim claim.
Clever baby.
I think if I could get some sleep, I'd be able to form a good counter argument. Maybe get an OP.
So tired.

A Haiku to General Tso

Battle hardened, yet
Tender. Blood and sauce. Poultry.
Cavalry. Ride! Ride!

Eureka!!!

I have no real love for trees. I mean they are great to climb when you are a kid and to lie under when you don't really have a fucking job and that whole 'oxygen purification thing' (which may be a hoax concocted by trees) but I don't really think about them from day to day. Like the homeless of the flora world, I pass them daily and usually ignore them, unless one falls into the road in front of my car. And don't try hugging one...It chaffs.
Anyway, I was getting lecture about wasting office supplies (I guess pointing out that paper DOES grow on trees) I came up with the solution for all this deforestation for paper. Silly putty.
Check it out. Instead of mailing off copies, xeroxing and faxing shit on all this clean paper, slap on some sillyputty, make a copy of your legal docs and roll it up and dribble it down to the court house! Awesome!
You trees can thank me later.

Only Funny Cuz Its True

My boss put an ad in a local small town paper asking for people to come forward regarding incidents (not incidences) of police and guards abusing inmates in the prison. Well today i got this call:
Me: So tell me your story
Him: Well I was inside for about 10 days and I was brutalized and sodomized.
Me: Man sorry to hear that (while thinking chi-ching!)
Him: Yeah, the kept saying 'you're cute' and 'come over here' and they kept offering me smokes and candy.
Me: Huh?
Him: And like an idiot I went over there and the next thing I know their kissing on me and rubbing my butt. And they didnt even give me the smokes!
Me: Were these the guards or the inmates?
Him: The prisoners, man! And the NEXT thing i know, theres a pencil in my butt. You cant tell nobody right? Privilege and such?
Me: Shit. >click<

In the Spirit of Festivus...

The Airing of Grievances!

*When did Black people rise to the status level that racists think they can tell us racist jokes about Mexicans?

*How is it that 10% of the population is supposed to be gay but that 10% along with all its supporters only managed a 2% turn out on the change to the Constitutions this last election?

*There aint shit extreme about Tickle Me Elmo Xtreme

*No one told the networks it was OK to NOT air any new shows during December/January. Mid-season break my ass!

*Paris Hilton is famous for being famous. Aint that a bitch?

*Lawyers Lie! To everyone! Including themselves.

*the gift-buying has gotten out of control. but now that i can afford to buy some gifts everyone is all like "nah, you got a new baby so forget it". well fuck that! the holidays are all about showing those you love just how much you make! where was that sympathy for my finances when i was living off that sorry ass government check that showed up bi-annually and always 3 weeks after the holidays? what a gyp!

Life's Little Mysteries

There are things in life that you build up to mythic proportions, because you never believe you will actually experience them.
We fantasize about travelling to distant planets and meeting new races. We extrapolate what the afterlife holds, where we go when we die.
But here is one magic valley I thought never to truly traverse in any way. This is the much touted and guess at VJ of one of the most famous ladies on Earth.
Screw those spacemen! This is a real close encounter!
Dont act like you dont like it.

To the World...

Candy bars have always made me feel really good inside. no matter how bad

life got. But I never suspected they could reproduce that feeling in a commercial. In song, no less! Every second of this commercial has a priceless moment, whether a look or a lyric, it is pure genius. And the way the song wins over the Black guy...classic!

Funny...But Not, You Know?

The best part about being a lawyer is that you end up seeing and hearing things that make you think all that shit on Springer that you thought was scripted...may not have been. Well today's little gem came in the form of an allegation of abuse in this case I got. Doesnt sound like its gonna be a hoot but just hold on.
The complaint read something like this...
"Ricky and me was fighting and he got mad and grabbed hold of my dentures out my mouth and threw them out in the yard. They broked."
No lie. Her teeth. Out of her fucking mouth. They broked. I can make this shit up but seriously who has the time?

The Definition of...

Bad Timing.
Michael Richards choosing now, not long after Mel Gibson exposed the Jews as the warmongering messiah killers they are, to go on a racist rant...on stage...on tape.

5 Things That Make Life Worth Living

1. Borat. NICE!

2. Sausage McGriddles

3. The fact that I live in a city where one of its most prominent attorneys ends up in a cursing, name-calling tug-o-war with a McDonalds employee at the drive-thru, leading to dueling charges of assault.

4. The OSU-Michigan game! Damn fine football. And if you know me, you know thats saying alot.

5. That I got to live long enough to see a car company make a car that can parallel park itself! Now if I could just send it thru the drive-thru while I stay at home. Let IT fight with the employees!

Things I Hate Today

1. People who love a certain story so much that every time they have the chance they tell it, which ultimately leads to them telling you the same story about 77 times. I get it. Vegas was great. Trying leaving Knoxville more than once in your life so you can get some new material.

2. the same guy from the first one who starts his story with "I think I may have told you this one" but still proceeds to tell it, heedless of my nodding head and my finishing his sentences for him.

3. Body odor. Easy remedied body odor, especially.

4. That black and orange peanut-flavored candy SOMEBODY keeps buying every Halloween, making candy companies think that shit is a hot ticket item so they keep churning it out.

5. Poor people who vote Republican just cuz they hate gays when most Republicans only do it for the tax break and could give two fucks about the single mom who works at the tire plant, Burger King AND Wendy's.

6. The fact that I live in a state that is proven to be about 10% gay, but there is a ballot to vote down a ban on gay marriage, it passes by a 97% majority. Are all the homosexuals the married, repressed kind who only have kids because they have an active imagination and a subscription to GQ "for the fashion tips"?

7. Al Roker. Cuz he looks like poo.

8. People who fill their blogs with the minutia of their daily lives. "Today I dyed my hair but I think its too brown". As if we give a shit. Only BrAngelina can get away with that shit.

9. Winter. except for the clothes.

Priorities

The other day I was sitting in Court with a man who was arguing his case before the judge. What made this case different was the fact that the man was an emphysema patient on portable oxygen that kept him alive. By the time his case came up to the bench, he had about 45 minutes of air left in his tank and was refusing to reset the case and demanding a lawyer be provided and his case be heard immediately.
That got me thinking. People have some fucked up priorities.
I guess we all do. I think everyone has skinned a knee trying to save their Nokia from hitting the ground. Or almost ended up in a ditch dodging a squirrel that lacks the sense to stay in the tree.
I see it everyday in my job; folks hanging on by their pinky nail to a fucking toaster while their kids get one step closer to therapy if their lucky, jail if their poor.
I cant act like its not me too. I shop online everyday for a cheap Xbox 360 while I have no health insurance.
Is it ADHD? Is it Mtv? Is it cuz I dont go to church? Lack of personal structure and moral fiber? When did Comcast join the list of survival needs next to food, sex and sleep?
Damn DVR.

Change of Venue

Since all I ever talk about in the summer is movie stuff, I am temporarily moving all my posts over to this location, where I put all of my cinematic rantings. Do join us in our banter.

Post-MBEvil Week: One

Today, I woke up at 9:45. I had a great breaky. I cultivated my new moustache. I watched a lot of TV, went to Mexican for lunch and watched a movie (Chocolat...made me hungry). Read a book and worked on my tan (if you know me, you know why that's funny). Made some phone calls. Went for a walk.

The rat race is a bitch, ain't it?

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

The Devil Wears Prada

I chuckled. Derivative. Gayest thing I've done since college.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Clerks II

Funny, raunchy, touching. Not suitable for children under 25.

Treasure Trove

Google "Treasurer of state" and whatever state you live in/have lived in in the past 5-7 years.
go to the website and find your name. they have any money that was ever mailed to you that you didnt get when you moved (last checks from jobs, refunds, etc.) I found my old job owed me a check worth an undisclosed amount (over $100). my sister did too.
Get whats coming to us. Being unemployed, I need all the scratch i can find.

Name: Ozymandias Occupation: Unemployed

Wow. A friend brought this to my attention yesterday. We, that is me and my fellow Bar survivors who were not lucky enough to have dads that are lawyers or "know somebody", are going to be technically listed as "unemployed". But you know what? It feels so goddamn good!

Let' see. To Do List. Saturday July 29 -August 5th

Wake up.
Pee.
Drink water.
Watch meaningless television and/or movies.
Nap
Eat.
Eat.
Read something that has no footnotes or stare decisis importance.
Sleep.
Repeat.

I plan to squeeze bathing in there somewhere, but I chose not to include tasks that may not occur each and every day.
Well. I guess I have things "to do" apparently. Deadwood, here I come.
Deadwood qoute of the day :
"I guess if you have a pussy, even owning a bank don't get you a seat at the table"
- random whore

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Not a goddamn thing. Thanks, MBE.

SO, how was the Bar?

It ate my poison Tree-Fruit.
It removed my taint.
I didnt know my Raparian Rights from my Lefts.

Once my scores come in, I'm suing BarBri for unjust enrichment. Highlight THAT, you windbag! In whatever fucking color you want.

BAR Prep is Like...

a hot dog-eating contest. Thats the closest I can come to this mad-dash effort to cram myself so full of this shit before the clock runs out.
Sorry, Nathan's. I still love you.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Trades substance for adventure. Decect middle film. Take the kiddies.

The Dead Walk the Earth

This just goes to show that, no matter what the scientists at NASA say, you can still kick some ass in Depends and a toupe.

Venue

This summer is all about the Bar and movies. So if you get bored with those two topics, I suggest you Google "Loser" and find some friends.

Have said that, I know that this means the A-Team and Knight Rider are on the way. I pity the fool who cain't write an orginal script!

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

A History of Violence

This was Oscar-worthy? Sex, violence, bad acting. Average.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Superman Returns

Bigger than Life. Lex rocks! A few surprises.

Waiter! There's a Fly in My Supes!!

check out what comes attached to the new Superman movie!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/spider-man_3/large.html

Hypo:

NASA has recently made an important announcement regarding their latest spacecraft, the Columvery, meant to put a man on the surface of Mars. The building of the Columvery was contracted out to several subcontractors, including Apex Electronics, responsible for the circuit boards that control the "escape velocity" boosters. Victor is an astronaut in the employ of NASA and has been chosen to pilot the Columvery. On the launch date, Victor boards the craft, which sports a new "saucer" shape to reduce lift-off wind resistance, and takes off for Mars. Ten miles above the surface of the Earth, however, the circuit board controlling the boosters burnt out, causing the craft to plummet to the Earth.
Zeek is a dirt farmer who lives in the remote town of Isolatia. Zeek does not own a television and has little contact with others except in the fall when he sells his dirt in town. In fact, the only entertainment Zeek gets comes from science fiction books, generally about invasions from other worlds, in which Zeek has a real and honest belief in the possibility of alien invasion.
Victor is able to gain some control of the Columvery but can only manage a rough landing on the property of Zeek, on top of the truck owned by Zeek.
Badly frightened by the noise, Zeek emerges from his home, cheesy "Invasion!" paperback in one hand and shotgun in the other, just in time to see Victor step from the saucer ship onto the wreckage of Zeek's truck. Always a joker, Victor, helmet still on his head and faceplate down covering his features, waves to Zeek and announces "Take me to your leader!"
Zeek, honestly believing he was under attack from another plant, fired boht barrels into the chest of Victor killing him instantly.

1. What is the most severe crime Zeek can be prosecuted with?

2. Can Victor's widow bring a valid civil claim against Zeek? against Apex?

3. Can Zeek bring a claim against NASA? Apex?

4. Is it even illegal to kill aliens? If not, can Zeek then legally kill Tom Cruise?

5 Things I Hate Today

1. People who see there friends while driving down a public road, pull over window to window and decide to chat, with no regard to the horns blairing behind them.

2. David Hasselhoff, who cant seem to let go of his bad suits, worse hair and apparently his now-estranged wife's throat. Get me outta here, KIT!

3. when people run microwaves down to the last few seconds, stop them and take their food out without clearing the timer. Now, when you look to see whats the time, you get an answer like 00:09. is that military time? well hell its barely past midnight! I thought it was morning. Back to bed!

4. People who bitch about how life is so unfair. is that really breaking news, Tits McGee? that line has been going around since the Flood. talk about unfair! its like asking a fat man if he's hungry.

5. the NFL for not allowing all countries to participate in the game. I would love to see us play some Polynesian teams, some crazy Irishmen or a pack of rabid Australian footballers. But wouldnt it suck if we got beaten at our own game? i can hear it now! "COngratulations to our new Superbowl champions, the Finnish Mjolnirs!!!

That Must Be A/C, Cuz It Sure Ain't A Fan

there seems to be absolutely no home real home support for the US World Cup team. We Americans know how to do one thing really well: cheer for a winner. Nothing wrong that, per se. But what happens when you lose? you're dead. I think it is a product of America's self-perception of it being the best at everything that it does. the strength of this country has created the attitude that, if you are not strong, we will eat you. you see this kind of behavior in the animal kingdom (a member of which humanity denies), but i expect better of an "evolved" species. it seems logical to me that the losing team needs the most encouragement.
I have heard a lot of people put down the American team because of their lose last week. thats fine. maybe they do suck. i have not seen them play, any of them, at all. I just like the fact that we are there.
its likely they will not take the Cup, but lets cheer for the boys anyway, eh? unless you have other teams you support, why not? my girlfriend, having dual citizenship (of a sort) is the only one i know of with an excuse. and she hates sports. i am curious to see what happens to Fat Phil come this fall.
USA! USA!

Bridge Jumping

Tis the season for blogging about how bad the Bar sucks, how tortuous the classes are, how big a rip-off this $2500 kindergarten class is and how hard it is to look out the window at this perfect weather and know that all i will see of it will be in 10 minute increments. Well, I won't.
I won't bitch about how worthless the Conflicts lecture was. I wont bitch about our acting dean standing there, reading to me the outline I just read 12 hours ago while I write furiously because he had no handout. I wont complain about the two foot long outline written by Torquemada himself. I can't comment on the ball-shrivelling fact that they teach the class in a subzero freezer. I refuse to talk about how PMBR was way worse, considering I couldn't hear half the lectures and didnt care about the other half, while the little albino cried in the corner (what was that thing?).
I won't do it.

Dont Feed the Animals

In India, cows may be sacred, but no one is teaching them that teasing an animal that can carry a tree with its tusks may not be a good idea. Yet that was the very idea that formed in Prawat's head (poor, poor Prawat), when he saw a herd of five performing elephants chained to trees outside a Buddhist temple.
While the owner waited inside conducting business Prawat, a 50-year-old man with nothing better to do, offered sugar cane to one of the ever-hungry elephants... then pulled it away. Then he did it again. And again. And again.
The game was great fun for Prawat, but the elephant quickly tired of it. The last time Prawat withdrew the treat, the elephant swung his massive tusks and gored him through the stomach. Prawat died on the way to the hospital. The elephant ate the sugar cane.
On your next trip through life, Prawat, stay away from the circus. Elephants are big and they never forget a face.

C*cksucker

There is nothing better than Deadwood. the internal politics, the murders, the ever-changing infrastructure. what do you mean you don't watch it? sure, it takes a few episodes to understand the mode of speech (except, oddly enough, for the profuse profanity), but it is made like no other show in history. and the best part is that all the characters (well, most) were real people in this real town at this time!
Calamity Jane and her wise ass loveability. when asked why she drinks so much, her answer was "I drink what i am able. if that comes to much, thats the day's affair and the liquor's". she's so cute.
Bullock and his tendency to speak his mind, even though he speaks that mind with his fists.
Swearengen. Murderer of families. Thief. Underworld boss. Feeder of men to pigs. and the best damn villain ever. no one is more rotten, until...
Cy Tolliver. Pimp and gambler, killer of children. turns brother against brother. evil incarnate.
Hurst and Wolcott (thank God that c*cksucker is dead), Charlie Utter, Trixie, EB, unchaste Alma Garrett, Dan and his knife, Mr. Wu (whose only english is "cocksucker"), on and on.
Its perfect really.
Sundays.
9pm EST
On Demand
Do it.
Cocksucker.

In the News

Carl Rove gets off scott free and Daryl Hannah gets arrested for climbing a tree?
Free-wheelin', "down with the man" Tom Petty is suing the Chilli Peppers for a rift, while MC Hammer puts out a new album?
Knoxville gives a pay raise to its uniformed enployees, but Knox County has no charter?
Film at 11.

Yo encontra a traves de ello mentir

I came to a recent realization. I was sitting in a Mexican restaurant, looking over the menu. I was trying to decide what to have for dinner that would conform with my new eating lifestyle. This particular establishment (which shall remain nameless for fear of retribution for letting "el gato" out of the bosillo) listed all of their items with a description of each entree's contents. Thats when it hit me! All Mexican food is actually the SAME GODDAMN Dish! Meat, cheese, sauce on a baked tortilla; meat, cheese, sauce on a fried tortilla, meat cheese sauce on a raw tortilla, on a little tortilla, on a big tortilla, blah blah blah. Those scamming little bastards. This is the greatest wool-pulling scam since the pet rock! Not that I blame them. We all have it coming. And it beats orange peddling on I-40. Muy despejado!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

The Omen 666

Close to the original. Better visuals, but the kid sucks.

The Definition of...

Law School.

(v) Paying a massive amount of money for roughly 50 words of vocabulary to use at parties.

Torts

Question 1 is based on the following fact pattern.

For the purposes of this question only, assume that 3500 calories = one pound lost in this jurisdiction.

1. Flannery says to Dortmunder, "I lost two pounds last week!" . To which, Dortmunder replies "That's ridiculous. That would require you to create a 7000 calorie deficit in only seven days. Boulderdash." Both Able and Baker were listening and understood Dortmunder's words.
When Flannery brings an action against Dortmunder for slander, what result?

A. Dortmunder wins, if he can raise the defense of truth.

B. Dortmunder wins, because it is public knowledge that Flannery has a propensity towards the mass consumption of donuts and pizza, making his assertions impossible (though Flannery may have an "attractive nuisance" claim against Krispy Kreme, retroactive to childhood).

C. Flannery wins, if he can prove that obesity is a "loathsome disease".

D. Flannery wins,once he offers proof that he 1) knows that his RMR is roughly 2000 calories a day, 2) that he then took steps to ensure that he did not consume more than 1700 calories per day for seven days (creating a natural 2100 calorie deficit for the week) and he then 3) ran, walked, jumped rope, boxed and karated his way to 600 to 700 calories per day burned (that's 4200 to 4900 calories per week), totaling approximately 6300 to 7000 calories per week.

The best answer is D.

C is not the best answer
Most jurisdictions only recognize this assertion for women accused of carrying some form of sexually transmitted disease.

A and B are just plain stupid.

Slow and Steady

SInce this is my blog and you are here voluntarily, you must be aware that you are going to be subjected to whatever I think is interesting in my life. You have no choice other than to click away.
Having said that, my current mania is my weight. I have dropped a couple of pounds over the last week and I want to share some wisdom for all of my gravity-challenged brothers and sisters. Use this http://www.caloriesperhour.com/index_burn.html to calculate your BMR and RMR and use it to your advantage. These are the numbers of calories you burn on any given day if you were to sit on your ass (say, in BarBri) all day. The idea is, if you eat your RMR in food each day, all exercise is bonus weight loss. Brilliant. BTW it takes about 3500 calories burned to equal a pound. I'm gonna start a forest fire by the time I am done. Burn Baby Burn!!!

Eureka!

I have noticed that bloggers don't shy away from making long posts. I have decided to publish my new diet book in its entirety here today. So here it goes:

"Introduction
I have had some significant difficulty losing weight recently. It puzzled me because I have been able to do it in the past, so long as I didn't have school to worry about. Well, three weeks went by and there was no progress. I have my excuses, but, as Dude said, thats all they are...excuses. Without them, I can get shit done. So let me share with you the eureka moment that has allowed me to get on the right track, even though I still have miles to go.

Chapter One
Eat right. Exercise More.

The End."

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

The BreakUp

When its up, its up. But when its down...damn.

Fat Tuesday

No Change.
Think I have a handle on this one. Man, this is gonna hurt.

Its Not TV...

With the decreasing number of good shows popping up on "regular" tv and a shrinking number of viable films in theatres, I found myself giving up on good original programming. I have fallen into the trap of reality tv in my desperation to find something worth watching. But I think now that a lot of reality tv is pseudo-scripted. How ironic.
So what does that leave? Cable. Well, there are a lot of good shows on basic cable, but most of them fly so low below the radar that no one watches them and they usually don't last more than 2 seasons (Kenny vs. Spenny, Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia). So then I turn to HBO.
And it is good. But like any meth dealer worth a damn, HBO seems hellbent on putting out only 4 or 5 series at a time, making a season of a series last as long or short as they like and sometimes taking years off between one season and the next. Talk about a cliffhanger.
It wasn't always that way. Anyone remember the HBO series Dream On? Didn't think so. It was there first series and ran like clockwork every year for about 4 years. And was delightful.
Now I have gotten into the Sopranos and, thanks to On Demand, I am all caught up. But this effing show has been gone for over a year! And now there is a mini-season slated for God Knows When? I call bullshit on that one.
HBO has a hell of a lineup this summer. And these are shows that get a lot less press than the Sopranos, but pound for pound, are better shows on a lot of levels. For anyone that missed season 2 of Deadwood and Entourage and season 1 of Extras, your life is crap. I realize shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm and Big Love aren't everyone's cup of tea, but you don't know what you are missing. And the series finale of Six Feet Under was an experience like no other. So...Deadwood and Entourage start up again next week. What are you waiting for? Reruns of Joey? Nice. And if you don't have cable...well...what do you talk about at the watercooler? Your ugly kids? Your pets? HA!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

X-Men 3: The Last Stand

Decent. I'll still buy the trilogy, unlike the Matrix.

BAR(BRI) Tab

I was kinda pissed at first. I walk into an overcrowded room for my first day of Bar Review. I looked anound and thought "There are 200 people in here. All of us paid about $2400 and yet not all of us have seats, and they didnt even fork over a bagel!" Fuckers. Then the video started and I recalled the fact that these guys have to take the Bar EVERY TIME ITS OFFERED! No thank you, ma'am. Although I do think it might be fun to go in there with the "fuck it" attitude that I will likely not adopt until I am on my way to a pub just after the exam. "Mr. Jones, are you writing the questions on your hand?". " Why yes I am". " I am sorry but you have to leave. Now!". "Hey, whatever. Fuck it. Just let me finish copying this last...got it. Holla!" Might be cool.

PMBR

Pay Me to Butt Rape you

A Rose By Any Other Name...

What am I? I just graduated law school a few days ago. I left my cellphone at a party at school and had to call the Dean's Office to find it. When I gave my name to the secretary, she said "Oh, is this our student of the same name?" At which time I informed her that I am nobody's fucking student. Okay, that's when I started thinking. What am I right now? I am not a student. I am not an attorney until I pass the Bar, right? Since I plan to be a sole practitioner, I am technically unemployed. Though I have a Juris Doctorate, everyone tells me I am not a doctor. I know I can't successfully separate conjoined twins or nothin', but then again, neither can Dr. Scholls, Dr. Phil or Dr. J. So what can I call myself? At the eye doctor, the form asked me what I do...and I was stumped. So someone tell me who I am. Please. I just paid 60 grand just so I can be confused. If I had known that was the result, I would have invested in 6000 dime bags.

Things I Hate Today

1. People who say "irregardless", "fustrate" and "incidences" without the slightest hint of lampoon. And some people have the nerve to tell immigrants to "learn the language".

2. PMBR- not that the review wasn't helpful. I learned alot about how much I had forgotten in the two years between ConLaw and graduation. I also learned PMBR will not take fault for the defects in their DVDs. From 3000 miles away they blame our player for the fact that the DVD skipped every other word on Tuesday. Also, it was nice of the guy doing the lecture on Thursday to stop periodically and tell us a very non-PC story about Pam Anderson, lesbians, Asian kids with bad accents, you name it! Yeah, thats what I want to do on the last day of PMBR is hear about this weirdo and his buddy making out at a Lakers game! Fuck me.

3. People at the gym who get on the elliptical runner and haul ass for 30 minutes (don't get me started on these spandex psychos who go over the 30 minute limit!) just feel good about themselves by making you look like shit. Listen, Flash. If you can make that thing go that fast for that long, get it off level zero. Crank up that resistance and earn MochaLatte. Fatty.

The Incredible Bulk

No change.

Thanks graduation, PMBR, Italian Creme Cake.

Bastards.

Movies Movies Movies

Ah, summer. So lovely outside. Birds and bees, flowers and trees! A perfect time to pile inside a chilly theatre and watch movies!!! And this summe looks like a nice lineup.
MI:3
Poseidon
DaVinci Code
Over the Hedge
X3
The BreakUp
Cars
Nacho Libre
Click
Superman
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
Lady in the Water
Miami Vice
Talladega Nights
Clerks 2
Snakes on a Plane

MMMmm. Sounds yummy! Maybe Hollyweird got their shit together long enough to make a decent three month lineup. For trailers of any of the above, go to http://www.joblo.com/movietrailers.php

(Insert here)-American

I was asked recently what I preferred to be called, "Black or African-American".
Let me put it to you this way; I know I am not literally black. I tend to see myself as more of a caramel macchiato. But I take no offense to being called black, just as I refer to my friends of European decent as white. Most are not actually "white", though a few are quite pasty (Dude cant help it, he's Irish. Hmmm. Irish-American?).
Thats why I take issue with African-American. Not that its offensive, but:
1. I have never been to Africa and neither has my father, his father or his! In fact, my "white" girlfriend has more traceable relatives in Africa right now than I do!

2. What is an African-American? Is it someone of African decent living in the US? Because that perfectly describes Charlize Theron, but I didnt see her at Oprah's Gala event. I thought it was Africans who have moved to the US and gained citizenship or are here on a Visa (picture Eddie Murphy in Coming to America). And to tell the truth, they dont think very highly of us "African-Americans". Well, maybe they want the women, but they think of the men as lazy and directionless.

3. Why would you want to tack on a label with a hyphen and still complain about being singled out?
I feel like we all can maintain our pride in who we are and where our ancestors came from without wearing the label all day long. Might as well get tshirts for everyone declaring their heritage! Its just another hoop to dive through and another little hurdle people have to jump over to get to who you really are.I just want to be an American for a change. Use a color to pick me out of a crowd (no different than "that guy in the blue suit"), not to single me out.

Battle of the Bulk.

Easing into this like a hot bath. It hurts so good. I found out my body fat meter is unreliable so I will stick to what I know.
Last week
Weight: 222 Goal: 180
This Week
Weight:217 Goal: 180
I would like to thank Raisin Bran, long walks, microwavable veggies and poverty. I would not like to thank Toddy's, milk stout, Hardee's and Nutella. Bastards tryin' to bring a brotha down!

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

OLDBOY
Classic revenge with a MONSTER twist. Find it.

I Looove Ketchup...

...even though I hate tomatoes. So I am so glad there are people in this country who are willing to pick those tomatoes for a low wage so I can get ketchup cheap.
So why is everyone btiching about the Mexicans and their displays of solidarity?
God forbid a group of people come to the country to escape poor conditions, take low paying jobs and still have pride in where they came from. Wait, thats just about everybody. Ellis island simply moved southwest.
Why are we complaining about jobs we dont want? Tax burden is what I hear the most. They are a drain on our resources. So hand them out some Tax IDs and tax the shit out of them just like everybody else. Of course, then you have to pay them a wage and that might drive the price of ketchup up. But if they are being taxed and society in general is compensated for their presence, I will pay the extra dollar for my Hunt's. Mmmm Hunt's.
"Speak English" they say. Well I admit that is a little annoying, but its not all that surprising that they cant. Especially if they are here illegally. You worry about getting deported too much to go to classes. You dont sneak into a movie and then order the staff around. It seems to be an issue of time. This new generation of Hispanics born to recent arrivals are getting the education needed, though not to the level they will need to easily rise above their current situation. Its the same as 100 yrs ago when all of Europe seemed to show up at our door. They came in, built their little towns (Little Italy, Chinatown) and communicated in the language they knew. Some had a few words of broken English, but they got along and they still had their pride. And their flags.
I know, I'm too liberal. But I feel that you should be able to live wherever you want, as long as the resources can support you and you are willing to work. We all still have our pride (as we damn well should). God gave me a pair of hands. I can wave two flags at once.

He Ain't Heavy, He's...Wait...Yeah, He Is!

After the binge this weekend, these numbers are inflated a bit. So dont assume I have been starving myself when I drop 8 ponds this week. Excuses excuses. Now I know why I look like a braut in my jeans. I can stop blaming the dryer now.
Last week: Weight:N/A Goal: 180 Body Fat: N/A Goal: 20
This Week: Weight: 222 Goal: 180 Body Fat: 32 Goal: 20

Its official. According to US standards, I am obese. Kill me, please. Feel fre to post your own shame. Yeah, right.

American Waist-Land

Living in this pseudo-police state, I recognize that shame is likely the number 2 motivator of people next to fear. Having made this revelation, I feel that shame is the key to solving a problem I share with 127 million adults. I am a fatty. Whew! I did it! Step One complete.
I am reaching the age where there is little chance of turning back. The drinks hit a little harder, the muscle ache more often and it all takes a bit longer to get there, wherever that is. So here it is. Let the shame begin!
From this day forward every Monday I will post an update as to my weight and BMI (thats Body Mass Index for those of you don't care enough to know. Fatty) as of that morning.
Be warned! The first weeks will be shocking. To you AND to me since I haven't gotten on a scale in 3 or 4 months. Fuck! This is embarassing. But thats the point, right? Malcolm X said get there by any means necessary. He had better be right or I'll kill him again. Skinny bastard.

Poet and Didnt Know It

Probably the best loved of American poets the world over is Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Many of his lines are as familiar to us as rhymes from Mother Goose or the words of nursery songs learned in early childhood. Like these rhymes and melodies, they remain in the memory and accompany us through life.
There are two reasons for the popularity and significance of Longfellow's poetry. First, he had the gift of easy rhyme. He wrote poetry as a bird sings, with natural grace and melody. Read or heard once or twice, his rhyme and meters cling to the mind long after the sense may be forgotten.
Second, Longfellow wrote on obvious themes which appeal to all kinds of people. His poems are easily understood; they sing their way into the consciousness of those who read them. Above all, there is a joyousness in them, a spirit of optimism and faith in the goodness of life which evokes immediate response in the emotions of his readers.
Americans owe a great debt to Longfellow because he was among the first of American writers to use native themes. He wrote about the American scene and landscape, the American Indian ('Song of Hiawatha'), and American history and tradition ('The Courtship of Miles Standish', 'Evangeline'). At the beginning of the 19th century, America was a stumbling babe as far as a culture of its own was concerned. The people of America had spent their years and their energies in carving a habitation out of the wilderness and in fighting for independence. Literature, art, and music came mainly from Europe and especially from England. Nothing was considered worthy of attention unless it came from Europe.
But "the flowering of New England," as Van Wyck Brooks terms the period from 1815 to 1865, took place in Longfellow's day, and he made a great contribution to it. He lived when giants walked the New England earth, giants of intellect and feeling who established the New Land as a source of greatness. Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Oliver Wendell Holmes, and William Prescott were a few of the great minds and spirits among whom Longfellow took his place as a singer and as a representative of America.

Stupid is as stupid does

This just goes to show that there are always 2 right answers.

http://gprime.net/video.php/whatsaho

SPOILER ALERT!

This post contains several spoilers for the DaVinci Code. Stop here if you haven't read it and if you actually give a shit how it turns out.
Now, to all the rest of you, whats the big effing deal. I read the book and I have some opinions going both ways.
In favor of the book, I have to say that the subject matter was fascinating. It was an original concept, at least to me, and I read the book all the way through because I had to know what the Grail was. I did my own research into the idea of Christ being married and the whole Knights Templar. I can see how the theory was built from the history, but I still was blown away by the concepts he created, considering the truth. Anyone who will concede the existence of Jesus but not his divinity would find this story so plausible that I can see how one would get caught up in the book and love it.
Here's the problem, the guy can't write. The entire book is so badly written it was distracting me from page 2 until the last chapter. Dialogue was flimsy and the descriptions of the scenery were so bland that I didn't know what he was trying to describe. Also, in my research I found what Ithough I already knew: albinos can't see. Almost all are legally blind. Cant shoot moving targets in the dark when you cant see your feet. Dumb. The characters had no character. The typical hero/nerd combo that Dan Brown had the balls to describe as an Indiana Jones type. No shit. The super hot scientist-lady? Like that happens. THe stupid cryptograph puzzles she played as a child? Yawn. What a lame setup. Saw that coming from a mile away.
Its almost like...gasp...he was writing this to be one day made into a movie. Ya think?
Once I figured out the girl was the Grail I really checked out. I actually never read the last couple of pages cuz what do I care if the hero/nerd and the hot heroine/nerd got together to make hero/Jesus-spawn?
I cant wait for his next book about a supermodel/doctor who discovers that all Popes are really girls.
Of course, I am still going to see the movie. After all, isn't that all it was? A descent screenplay? Plus I love Tom Hanks and Ron Howard.
I hate you Dan Brown. If that is your real name!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Silent Hill

Asstastic dialogue, confusing plotlines. Horrific, effective visuals! Bad dreams follow.

CHEERS!!!

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Ben Franklin

What is it about alcohol that makes it hold such sway over us? It holds so much power in tiny little 1 to 40 oz. containers. It has the power to heal the broken heart. It can make the shittiest day a little better. Sinatra once said he felt sorry for anyone who didnt drink because when they woke up in the morning, they felt the best they were going to feel all day.
But what is this ethanol mojo? Is it transformative or evaluative. In other words, does it make you believe something that is not there or does it ignite the dormant? Does it delude its consumers into believing they are the sexiest man or woman alive or is that the person's true perception of themselves and the booze only pulls backthe curtain? Or is it a combination of both?
Alcohol, or as I like to call it "Awesomeness Juice", whatever your brand, tends to divide us into groups.
There are the afoermentioned Hotties who see themselves as suddenly the reason God made cool. Considering most of them are a bit off-base, I call that one Transformative.
A close cousin and often a siamese twin to the Hotties are the Extreme Makeover Goggles. They see everyone else of the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on what bar you are in) as Carmen Electra/Brad Pitt. This is a bit more dangerous than the Hotties Syndrome. Hotties tend to aim too high and get shot down form overestimating their worth. EMGs tend to hit on the saddest slab of Canadian Bacon poured onto a stool and often wins (if you can call the inevitable morning seesion of chagrin and vomit "winning").
Next on our tour of Toddy's, we find the John Lennon. Lennons love EVERYBODY and will tell you so every five minutes. They hug, they kiss and they get so close you can count the pores on their gin-soaked chins. They sing and they sway and they make new friends. Harmless except they tend to make plans and promises they cant keep or recall.
In our last cage on the right (mind your fingers folks) is the rare and elusive Rock Em Sock Em drinker. This pansy normally wouldnt fight a cold, but three drinks in and he's suddenly Clubber Lang. "What are you looking at?!?" Dont worry, folks. He swings and spits but he cant hit shit. Push him and watch him fall.
These arent all of our categories, mind you. There is the Herbert Hoover (filled with depression and hopelessness), the Nietzsche (full of groundless philosophy and pointless insight) also known as the Freud, the Dialer (no explanation needed), on and on.
The heart of the matter lies with this: are we being true to ourselves or are we in need of an excuse to be who we are?
Either way, drink up and enjoy!

W.C. Fields: I try my best to stick to alcohol. I never drink water.
Interviewer: Why not?
W.C. Fields: Fish fuck in it!

SOOOO Mature

1. I still laugh when my professors say duty (heh, he said doody).

2. I have recently found that there are still people about to become professional who are fighting over boys that dont even belong to them. Not that anyone belongs to anyone. Except me...to my girlfriend...I miss my penis.

3. People say that gay marriage may lead to dog-fucking. First, dogs are already being molested, so... Second, we, as Americans, have a duty (teehee) to listen to the minority and to help the downtrodden.

4. see next post

I Want My ADD

I seem to be faulted for not listening to people talking. First, most people have nothing to say. They are not talking to me. They are talking to get their story told and could give a flying frag grenade what my opinion is and what I have to say about whatever they thought was interesting enough to waste my time with. Second, I think the ability to stare you in the face and nod without having a drop of information be retained is a sort of super power. Can you do it? My brain is a sacred land of fun and creativity. I cannot allow it to be tainted with your droning tales of your favorite band or your colorless recount of your Saturday drama. My ADD is a preservation mechanism. Its like a V-Chip for bullshit. Right now I am staring at a women attempting to poison my impressionable mind with her LexisNexis propaganda without absorbing a thing. Just gimme my Chi-Fil-A and my 500 points so I can order some DVDs and go back to wherever they issued that leisure suit! Browse is your buddy. What? Info...leaking...in! Must... check out of...meeting! Ah, there. Back to inner silence. Lastly, try not speaking unless you have something to add. It may surprise you how little you really say in the span of a day. Read your lease! You probably contracted to not commit waste! I DID learn this, despite my best efforts...when some one says " Thats a great question"..they dont have an answer. Yawn. Wasted words. But hey, look who's talking! Cuz isnt that what this blog is?

Oversights

Things They Should Have Ask on the Character and Fitness Questionaire Because They Would Be Nice Things To Know

Have you ever committed a felony for which you were not charged/arrested/observed committing?
Do you consume more than 6 alcoholic beverages on a daily basis? If no, why not?
Are you currently addicted to crack/meth/sex/glue/pornography/reality TV?
Have you ever spent a significant amount of time in a rehabilitation center?
Do you know what a "Hot Carl" is? (don't Google it, trust me)
Do you have any real friends outside of the 6 losers you knew in Jr. High that you listed in Question 28?
Have you ever been asked "What the fuck is wrong with you" by a stranger ?
Do you have a collection of anything other than CDs and DVDs?
Do you wear your pants above our navel?
When was the last time you got laid?
Do you still live with your parents?
Is your dad a lawyer? Your mom?
Have you ever had a TRO (temporary restraining order) or OP (order of protection) taken out against you?
Whats a Dikfer? (answer: to pee with)

Do you think bow ties and suspenders are a good idea? Why?

I feel these are the things we need to know to weed out the weirdos. Far more relevant than my credit history or my speeding tickets. "Have you ever been more than 90 late on a payment?" Duh! I was in COLLEGE!

Ode To A Warrior

Oh General Tso, General Tso,
What great wars did you fight?
What crimson fields of battle
Inspired your perfect sauce?
What cowardice, your choice
Of chicken?

No man is greater
Than he who can take up the sword
And the spatula.
Did you look out upon roiling conflicts
And see the steaming wok?

Red sauce, tender chicken, sizzling oil
Red blood, tough men, the heat of battle.
Coincidence?

Did they taunt you
In the officers tent?
History knows not their names.
Vindication!

A&E: Biography-Chuck Norris

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MP9CHQZ3mHw&search=oblivion%20chuck%20norris

Those who made this were found dead with size 11 dents in their face.

My Fellow Americans...

I know all of you are wondering why I didnt run for class speaker. First, I would like to congratulate "Big Time" on his landslide victory. I voted for you, but then I voted for Kerry. Second, like I told them at the press conference, I have alot on my plate right now and there was just not enough time to practice a speech between classes, studying, training for the Boston Marathon, my teaching Bikram Yoga 4 nights a week, all my work with lepers and my government-funded research diet of chocolate and beer. Thats not to say I didnt write one. Like to hear? Here it go!

"To the Graduating Class of 2006, to the distingusihed faculty, to the proud parents in attendance...Welcome and Congratulations! Since I am known for expressing my opinion in 10 words or less, I will remain in that spirit and keep brevity as my watchword. Future attorneys of the world. Why were you here? Why are you here? I bet you think you came here to make a difference in the world. Or to make some real money so that you can buy that fancy Beemer to compensate for your inadequate "personality". But here is the ugly truth. You are all cavemen and women. You came here to find a way to build a nest. You use your Rolex brand club to bludgeon your victim and drag him/her back to your Pottery Barn-encrusted "cave". Once there, you feed and breed, feed and breed. Sure you get to wear nice suits (though half of you wouldnt know a nice suit from a law suit), but you are all hairless apes! Evolve! I know, I know. You dont believe in evolution. Well too bad, you TV shepherd and La-Z-Boy sheep! It believes in you! Things change, evolve. Thats the nature of existence! No such thing as evolution? Fine then, dont ever get another flu shot again! What's the point? Its the same flu as last year, right? No way it could have "evolved". Bastards. Think for yourselves! Be yourselves! At least 15% of the population of the US is homosexual and you mean to tell me not one guy in our class of 150 plays for the same team? Stand up and be counted! THAT'S the real definition of a pansy. Not that you like sausage, but that you wont admit it! Yeah, thats right! I DONT have a job, yet! So what? You wanna make something out of it? Meet me by the bike rack! Pansies! And not the gays! You! Yeah, you with your stripes on you sleeve and your squarish hat thing! Suck it! And as for you, Kay...what? Oh, I see that I am out of time. Enjoy the reception afterwards and the PMBR to immediately follow! One day off?!? Fuckers! Ich Ben Ein Krispy Kreme!!!"
At this point the giant hook held by ponytail A/V guy comes out and drags me from the podium.
As you can tell, I plan to be shit-faced at Hooding. I think it adds something usually missing to the mood of the occasion. What do you think? Feel free to borrow any portion of it Big Time.

Mrs. J.D. Hunter, esq.

When I was in college, I met alot of people who came to college for the strangest of reasons; this is what my parents want me to do, this is my only option, I am really into black and white French drama and sincerely believe that I can turn this into a career. But what I thought was the funniest were the ladies who came looking for a man. Ha! First off, we were all clueless in college. Who the hell thinks that bunch of broke, drunk, rambling idiots with road cones on their heads will make a "good catch"? I think that describes the drunk tank at County lockup and the homeless dude under the overpass more so than a future provider. Besides, for what a Bachelor's is worht these days, they ought to print them on Charmin. At least then I can wipe my ass with it.
But here is where the story gets weirder, dear reader. There are those who come to Law School looking for the same thing. Granted, there is a higher percentage of finding a man without the orange cone for a hat, but I doubt they are any less wasted and adrift. The thinking, if you can call it that, is probably travelling along these lines: All he has to do is make through and we are RICH!
Reality Check
1. Unless he is a patent lawyer or getting his JD/MBA you really are living in the 80's if you think we make more than your average sanitation worker before taxes (though some of us smell better)
2. You are likely shelling out more money for a law tuition and your expenses than he will make in his first 18 months out.
Screw the numbering. Here is the truth. You would have done better spending 100 bucks on a short dress (so short you have to shave to wear it, and I don't mean your legs) and just show up at Toddy's Backdoor Tavern or Sapphire any Thursday-Sunday. Hell, we will buy you drinks. Pocket the $60+ grand you pay this money pit. You'll need it so you can support your new catch until after he takes the Bar the second time. And trust me, we can run up a tab.
There is a medical school about 100 miles away. Doctors make more, are home less (as opposed to homeless) and you will have a better chance at winning an argument. Sigh. If it weren't for all the blood and math, I would have been a great boob doctor. I swing a mean Sharpie.

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Thank You for Smoking

Witty, scathingly critical from all sides. "Make arguments, not negotiations."

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Lucky Number Slevin

Underuse of its talent but still quality crime noir.

Craptop

Sorry for the wide gap in time between postings, but it seems that my Panasonic Toughbook is that in name only. Funny how computer companies, when building these things, never take into account my penchant for droppage; for turning my laptop off and on at least 11 times a day; for the related 22 packings/unpackings per diem; for its use as a coaster or some sort of TV tray/ writing table; for the random Viagra email that I occassionally open because its so cleverly disguised as an email from my buddy Vance, who I don't even know. Laptops need airbags.Front and side and maybe even curtains. I shall return.

BM, 33, Intelligent Seeks...

What is the name of that song in the new Jaguar XK commercial? Its kinda phat, at least the 30 seconds we are force fed in the ad. Nice car, though.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

V for Vendetta
Great! "Blowing up a few buildings can change the world". Wow.

Bracketeering: N ever C an A nticipate A nything

Great Odin's Raven! What the hot hell happened to all the strong teams? I don't really watch sports, but there's something undeniable about the aptness of the name March Madness. These are not these overpaid, Brokeback, butter butts in the NBA who are only thinking of how they can get one more inch added to the rims on their ride without scrapping the frame of their platinum-dipped Hummer. These are kids playing for guts and glory, pride and desire... and to show the scouts they are worthy of a contract that includes some form of vehicle coated in precious metal. Those boys are HUNGRY! Notice they never make movies about NBA comeback teams.
So then, back to my point. Whatever happened to those staple teams? The ones you could count on to be at the top? Puke? Texass? Villanoway? Is it that the fire in their bellies has gone out? Is this a case of the gap between the NCAA and the NBA blurring? Maybe these top ranked teams take it for granted that Britney Spears State University can still shoot the ball. These 1st tier teams are already thinking of what they are going to stock their fridges with for their appearance on Cribs. It seems to me that they have the opinion that they deserve to be where they are just because of who they are. Thats called underestimation. See what Sun Tzu says about that.
I know, I know. I am just sore that UCLA is the only team in my bracket that is still around. I am a sore loser. Next year I'll just hand you guys my money, skip the bracket and just enjoy my beer and watch the effing games.

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Pretty good. Adult humor and violent. Hokey ending. Rent it.

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Aeon Flux
Crap.

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Derailed
No chemistry or surprises. And Clive's accent? Garbage! Good/Average.

O.S.C.A.R.

It seems the trend of the Academy is leaning towards a formula. If you don't have these 5 things, there is no chance of a win for best picture:
Opulence
Sexuality
Cross-dressing
Adversity
Racism
Okay. Brokeback Mountain was good. Donnie Darko was great in that film and the cinematography was incredible. But to be honest, Heath wasn't that great (barely understood him for most of the film). I mean, in relative terms, for a guy born in the outback and who sucked so hard in EVERYTHING before this, he was great. But his mix of mumbling twang and total silence doesn't warrant accolade. The story, sans gay overtones, was typical chick-flick fare. I take my cowboy hat off to Hollywood and the public for supporting this movie and I recognise its significance (see my movie review), but dont go to far. No, it didnt get gypped when it didnt win. I was suprised it didnt win best picture. It never deserved to win but that doesnt mean scared people who cant detach themselves from what everyone was saying about it wont vote for it (see the 2004 Presidential election), without jsut looking at it on the merits of it as a film. And no dig at Michelle Williams, but WTF? She had a moment but was that one of the five best moments in film of 2005? Sad.
Didnt see Capote but I hear it was about a gay guy so I was not shocked that it got nominated. I think its funny that the guy who jsut "sharted" himself only about a year ago is now an Oscar winner.
For my money, Munich was tops of the movies chosen. It was timely and amazing how the events of 33 years ago mirror our foreign policy so well. The team, made up of people who all look different from each other and have different backgrounds/accents but all have a common bond, reflects America. There is a terrorist attack. We retaliate. There is backlash. We run the streets of the world gunning down those we are told are to blame. Eventually, we start killing men who really didnt have anything to do with the attack. Things get out of hand and...well you have to watch the film. And the final shot of the film, though a bit heavy handed, lays it all out beautifully for the slow kids. Gritty and uncompromising. It should have been Best Pic (since comedies and action films never win and so I cant vote for Wedding Crashers or Sin City). And where was Elizabethtown? I guess it got "lassoed" off the list.
Crash, you say? Excellent but I thought it was a little too much. I heard the little man in my head scream out "Message!" a little too often. Top notch and it should have been nominated, but to win? Maybe not. I'm on the fence on that one. Let me just say that I almost shit my jammies when they performed the song from Crash. Did anyone else see the guy dressed as a cop on stage cramming his arm between that other lady-dancer's legs? Holy Terry Stops, Batman!
So how do you top this year? I think I am going to make a film and fill it with all the pain and confusion you need to win an Oscar. Anyone interested in playing a gay, transgendered paraplegic boxer in 18th Century England?

Desperate for Attention

I was never one who believed that line my mom fed me about too much of a good thing is a bad thing. That was, until I grew up. You can have an overload of nearly anything. Even alcohol, but that kind of overload washes away with a sackful of Krystal Chiks and a hot shower.
I have to say that I am getting near the "F" line on my mental gas tank with Eva Longoria. Man-o-Man is that lady hot. But, Damn! Every time I turn around I see that pretty face. She sells underwear (nice), make-up, food, acne medicine, fights diseases and crime, encourages parents that its not too soon to talk to their kids about drugs, boats, tractors, carbolic smoke bombs or whatever. Its like having chocolate syrup on everything: I like the stuff but keep it off my steak.
Maybe I am being too hard on her (pun). Its not often that you see a positive characterization

of a Latino on television. Not that her character is a good person, but that they are a Latino couple that became wealthy through means other than PowerBall (yeah, I watch the show sometimes). And I guess if I had the media's eye and ear I would whore my mug out like I was running for President.

I dont really have a point here, I just thought it had been too long since my last post. Computer difficulties. Forgive the lameness of it all. We now return you to your regularly scheduled Facebooking.

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Nightwatch

I would rather shave my ass with glass. Twice.

NASCAR on Dubs

This post comes to you courtesy of myself, CP, BO'S and a little guy named Bushmill's. We were all philosophizing on the nature of man and we hit upon an interesting point that has stuck with me. There was the observation that it is quite common knowledge that many Rednecks have a disdain for 'gansta'-types and vice versa. The interesting thing is, they have sooo much in common as to render them indistinguishable from each other (except for the obvious pigmentary discrepencies). Not with me? Look at it this way; they both:
1. are known for their lack of social graces
2. love to fight, drink and get high
3. blast their music wherever they go (be it Brooks and Dunn or Triple 6)
4. tend to live in less than desirable housing (mobile or public)
5. are known for they way they treat their significant others
6. have the same attitudes toward religious devotion, education and homosexuality
7. make up the bulk of the stars of the TV series COPS
8. loove their guns
The list goes on and on (bad clothes, dental issues, lots of babies). We aren't so much different from each other as we suspect. I can hear a twangy rendition of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" on the winds. Yeehaw, ya feel me?

In Lieu of Listening in Class...Monkey Business

http://www.trunkmonkey.com/content/category/4/68/59/
If you have about 20 minutes of free time on your hands, or if you are at all like me and your ADD flairs up, making every class/meeting "free time", click on the above link. Warning: do NOT enter this site if you dread of the superiority/have a fear of our simian bretheren.

Whew!

Crisis Averted. The link below is the real one I meant to post. USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA!!! Whethere you want them homw or not, support them while they're there.

Support Your Troops!!!

http://brendanthemarine.com/

The Weather Is Fair

I have been hearing the most disturbing things lately. The whispers across campus lead me to believe that there is some disappointment attached to the recent performance of the UT Mens B-Ball team. What? How sad is that? The man has done an amazing job with this team over the course of a summer! So what if they lost a couple! I dont care if they dont win again this season/in the tournament. Look, you dont take a crippled kid, teach him/her how to walk, watch them sprint down the track and then criticize their stride! Be happy. This is a developing team that has dominated the SEC and is heading into the Big Show with some respect for the first time in YEARS. Jesus, people. I am glad Admissions didn't have your attitude, or I'd still be stacking boxes at FedEx.

God Awful

Last year I wrote a paper on religion. Long story short: Some people deny God's existence because the reality of God defies their concept of Him. There is no God. What if we, mankind, dont fit God's idea of how we were meant to be we He made the originals? There is no Man.

This got me thinking, that and the whole Lint/Ash wednesday thing. I am not Catholic or Church of England. But with all this God in season now, I have been asked "what faith are you?". Well, I really had no answer until now. I am declaring myself an Atheistic Baptist . I believe in God, just not the one I was raised to (i.e. fiery eyes and lightning fingers, too Greek). How mean is God supposed to be? Damning us all to Hell from Day 1 to Lakes of Fire and Demon lashings and unwanted ass-shagging for all eternity (too Babylonian). I admit that the denial of all that I was taught is likely fueled by my own inner desire to do what I want without being judged for it. I just don't like being afraid of a being who is proported to be "the Embodiment of Love".

I seem to not fit in to any of the available faiths, leaving me to be introspective about any issues I have. Catholicism seems cool in some respects. I just have issues with believing that a person in a booth can make my badness go away by giving me homework assignments because he has a hotline to the Big Guy (too tribal).
Baptists and all its offshoots miss me completely with its judgmental attitude, homophobia and rampant intrusiveness into other people's right to worship (too fascist).
I'd be a Buddhist if it weren't for my deep-down love for Hardee's and Nathan's hotdogs.
I really like Hinduism. They think of religion as a bicycle wheel (we are all on the rubber tire area, God is the center of the wheel, all the world's religions are the spokes. Any true religion will lead you to the center, so its all good). I just think some redneck would mistake me for a Muslim (just Banzai Christianity, which is funny cuz Christians hate them) and shoot me.
Do I really need a religion? A philosophy professor of mine asked our class to live a weekend as if we had no religion. It really didn't change a thing (I actually think I drank less that weekend than usual).
With no religion, I tend to stress less about Commandments on steps and gay shepherds.
I wonder if Festivus has a religious background. I can dig it!

Out Clause

As I sit here trying to decipher the mad analogies of my Estate Planning Professor (how is a trust like a train), I think it necessary to make a quick statement. I have been accused, on more than one occasion, of making blanket statements that offend the sensitive. Let me set the record straight. I DO NOT make blanket statements. Except the one I just made about blanket statements. When I make a statement in this bling, I always leave the possibility open in my mind that I am wrong or that I am not covering all the bases. Making blanket statements is like flagging down the cops with a bloody shirt on and a gun in my hand: you tend to take shots that you may not deserve. True: Oprah is an egomaniacal, self-absorbed bajillionairess. She is also the Oprah who just built and gave away all the homes in a subdivision to victims of Katrina. Sure I said that alot of us are in law school out of pure good fortune. That is not to say that those here dont work hard. But it easily could have been someone else in my seat if not for my "clever entry essay" (ask me about it sometimes). Only racists and art critics make blanket statements and think that its all good. When you have a problem with my statements:
1. remember, this is just me ranting
2. remember, this is my bling, so I GET to say whatever I want
3. problem? fire off a comment about it, but not at me
4. remember this Out Clause.

A Rose By Any Other Name...

I dont like the word 'blog'. not many things that end in "og" are good things: frogs, clogs, bogs, polliwogs. From now on, I decree this website to be...(drumroll)...my Bling!

Bored of Education

People on let the truth "slip". when they are mad, when they are 6 sheets to the winds (whatever that means) or when they think they are among their peers. They blurt out all those shadowy nuggets of true honesty that lurk in the darkest, Section 8 subsidized portion of the soul. what i tend to run into in law school are those who feel their place in this world puts them above those outside these marbled walls. they mistake education for being "smart". they make comments about other's failure to surpass high school/college/grad or post-grad as making that person "less than". well let me make two quick points here:
1. some of the wisest and more successful people I know are people who didn't have time to spend years in school. Babies had to be fed and bill paid. some people are bold enough to feel they didn't need to hide in school and stockpile degrees, that really only amount to wall art for which you ultimately pay thousands (take THAT Thomas Kincade). face it, we are here because we need the armorof education to give us the confidence to do what these "uneducated" people do everyday and likely have been doing daily since they were 16. Pussies. We all won the lottery here. not everyone who failed to get in failed to live up to the "standard". and some of us don't really belong here either.
2. you think that acceptance letter makes you all growed up now? let us count the ways that law school is only high school with a fatter price tag:
a. Unplanned/Unwanted pregnancies
b. Fighting over someone else's/no one else's man or woman.
c. RAMPANT promiscuity
d. Binge drinking
e. Cliques
f. Gossip
g. Looking down on underclassmen
h. scary lunchroom lady
All that's missing is P.E. and many of us could use a few laps. I don't know whether we need to grow up or grow down, but this attitude has got to go. I know that I was one "wrong place at the wrong time" situation away from being one of my clients. Check yourself.

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Closer

Well acted, but overwritten. Too clever to be real.

Too Deep?

I was strolling around yesterday and realized that about a week ago I stopped saying "goodbye" to people. And not just that particular farewell; no more "see ya", "peace out", "later" or any of that. Well, unless you think "I'm gonna make like a baby and head out" counts.

This left me to ponder the motives for my ceasation of these...is salutation the appropriate term? Anyway, I have two theories.

1. this new-found disdain is rooted in a subconscious fear of the nihilistic underpinnings of saying farewell. that perhaps I am, by saying goodbye, acknowledging the potential end of all things and that I am merely fueling the "Nothing" that consumes us all.

2. I am evolving into an apathetic higher form of being that will not be caught up in the trappings of this "society" that attempts to impose its demands and expectations upon me. That one day I will move beyond all forms of greetings and their use in my vocabulary unless I am trying to gain someone's attention (e.g. "Hey, you!").

Ah well. Time for class. Later.

NewsFlash: Brokeback Trumps Hussein

a recent news article posted the results of a poll of Americans that asked Americans what issues they were most concerned about.
1. Gay Marriage
2. Terrorism
Huh? are we so bass-ackward in this kindergarten of a country that we are more concerned with getting on a plane and sitting next to two guys making out than with some guy trying to light the fuse in his Nikes? That's it! I'm Swiss!

Six Degrees of Oprah Winfrey

There is a theory that everyone in the world is separated from everyone else on Earth by six people. I must assert that, though there may be some truth to this theorem, there is one burning outlier that skews the whole concept: the O. She is the thirteenth planet in this solar system, far removed from our hellish reality. So how did she get there? In the yonder...er beyond Pluto? The same way that any of us end up feeling like we are better than Those Who Dwell In Sessions; she acquired degrees. Not many know this, but O carries not one, not two, but six distinct degrees that separate her from us carbon-based lifeforms and that she wields like a Dolce & Gabana diamond-encrusted lightsaber, carving out a better world in her image.

1. Nutrition and Fitness Doctorate- Dr. Winfrey seems to want to eternally preach to me about what I can and cannot eat if I want to lose weight. Funny that this comes from a woman who has lost, gained, then lost more inches than Fat Phil's defensive line. Eat fewer calories than you burn. Try it, fatty. Stop listening to a habitual gainer. She obviously hasn't got a clue. Its like asking Donald Trump about how to keep a spouse/hair.

2. English Major- Cuz if she says its a good book, it must be. If its good, its good. Its got nothing to do with her. Give her no credit.

3. Law Degree (and subsequent judicial appointment)- did anyone see (of course you did) her crucifixion of that poor Frey guy? She used the better part of an hour to bring him back on her show and force him to go chapter by chapter and outline just where he lied. Lied to HER. How dare he! I'm sure that's some form of blasphemy in some book somewhere. Ok, the guy lied. He bent the truth to get money. Hello! That's what junkies DO! He doesn't know any other way. Its still a good book, though I see that O took her "Book Club" stamp off the cover. Damn! Headline...May 17th,2006..."O turns Ex-junkie Back into Junkie." Cuz you know that's all he wants to do now is get high again. Thanks O. Judge Winfrey, changing lives every day. Take off the white wig and chill.

4. Psychology- My favorite moments on her show are when she is talking to someone with problems (i.e., every episode that she is not celebrating how great God, and by God I mean O, is) and they pour out their souls on that stage. O leans back on her throne and belches out the most recent asinine New Age theory that her good friend Dr. Phil (the other Fat Phil, the one who had the balls to publish diet books) and she is alllll wrong. And when the person, afraid to dispute the Great O on her Home Court, gives her the "Wellllll..." She interrupts (she does that a lot. she can do that, though. she's O) and continues to hammer her uninformed babble until they cave or she goes to commercial. Bitch. And she clearly minored in manipulation. Do you think she is really spending all that money when she builds a school/buys Illinois a car/ gives away crap? No way. But you think she is. $11,000 per person per year. Your WTTax nerds know what I mean.

5. Interpretive Dance- you know what I's saying, ladies. there goes THAT stereotype. Though I wouldn't put it past her to be a bad dancer on purpose.
a. to disprove the stereotype and establish a new status quo. that's sooo O.
b. to start a new trend of housewives mangling rugs to the beat of O's drums. Just cuz she can. She's O.

6. Political Science- she'll run for office. you'll see. Laugh, but you'll vote for her too. Think about how absurd that is.

Final Rant: Did anyone see O's speech at Coretta King's funeral? I have never heard a eulogy that used the word "I" more than "he/she" (meaning the deceased). Fucked up. Don't think I hate O. I respect her much in the same way you have to respect Castro for hangin' in there. But all I'm sayin' is, wait til she runs for God (or at least to be canonized while alive). O Bless America! gives a new meaning to O, My God. Its all in the comma placement.

5 Things I Hate Today

1. The Sunsphere- that thing stands in the middle of my city like a boner on a ninety year old man; unwanted, unused, unattractive and way past its day. why have a permanent golden reminder of one freakin' day in the 80's? dump out the wigs and fill that thing with beer, put taps all around the bottom and let the bums play. or push it inot the river and make it an aquarium.

2. People who have the balls to come to this city, live here, breathe our (honestly flawed) air and then BITCH BITCH BITCH about how they hate the town/state/South. I am sure there are law schools wherever you are from. they probably wouldnt take your whiny ass and that's why you are here. you should be blowing the dean for letting your ungrateful mass in here. YOU applied, you weren't drafted. You aren't T.O.. Fuck off.

3. Everyone in General Sessions Court- how is it possible that i can go there, look at the 200 morons in those seats, wearing what they think are dress clothes (you cant put a tie on a buttoned-up polo) awaiting mercy then I come back the next day and there are 200 more! there are always 200 more. it never ends. And, if you listen, half of them are repeat customers. And they get the craziest sentences. Banned from Wal-Mart? What the hell? What's a redneck to do? Starve?

4. Ninjas/Samurais- at the risk of having my head removed the next time I check my mail, these kids kill me. i am all for fostering a love of the martial arts for its discipline and its physical activity level. But some people wear that shit on their sleeve like a patch. Keep that crap to yourself. one unnamed shogun loves to tell anyone that he meets that he is a samurai and constantly cite his sensei in class as a source. First, it is likely that your sensei was the same asshole that you are now when he was younger, spouting off about his master to everyone who didnt care then and dont care now. Second, I doubt that there even a note in a pocket-part dedicated to what ANY sensei has ever said. Not even the Japanese Bluebook gives a shit. Last, anyone can get their ass kicked at anytime by almost anyone. And if you keep tooting your own horn, you will find out what I mean, I'm certain. Cant take your sword to McDonald's, Sho-Nuff!

5. People who tell me they love my blog and tell me all about how they feel about my posts but wont post a comment. Its to the point where I feel as if I am shouting into traffic like Martin Lawrence. My keyboard is my gun. I dont have anything against masturbation, but this is one of those times that you dont want to do this alone.

Dave, Dave, Dave

Unless you are a friendless deaf-mute in the Congo, you know that Dave Chapelle reappeared in these United States and was pulled into the journalistic no-fly zone that is Oprah. Dont getting the tar and feathers just yet, ladies. I am not blaspheming against your God. I like Oprah. I have a lot of respect for what she does to improve the world around her (charity work, awareness-raising) My problem is she seems to be getting ahead of herself. But I will save all that for another post. What happened with Dave was this: He claimed he wasn't crazy, but he ran off to Africa without telling even his wife and wants to give the bulk of his money to charity.
1. I bet his wife just LOOOOOVED that.
2. Give me the money.
3. Dave is just having guilt about making $50 million for smoking pot, fucking around with his friends and telling inside "N-word" jokes.
I can see how the pressure of going from just a guy and his pals goofing around to having the whole world watching your every move. No one talks the same in public as they do when they are with their friends. Dave feels like he was laughing in a closet with his buddies and someone opened the door. Dave isnt completely nuts, though.
1. Going on Oprah has drawn so much attention to this negotiation that Comedy Central would come out looking like Nazis if they turned him down. Especially after he said the "donate to the people" thing. Who can say no to that?
2. Warning: Lawyer-evil ahead! Dave only said he would "like to" give back to the people. He never said "I will". No contract.
3. As he put it, when addressing the question of his going to Africa and checking into a mental health facility, no one goes from the US to Africa for health care.
This reporter eagerly awaits the outcome of it all. I cannot wait to see the return of Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories.
He always screams " I'm rich, Bitch!" at the end of every episode. Well, Dave. Now you are.

In Lieu of Listening in Class...A Play

Setting: anonymous classroom in Law School X.
Proctor: Do not turn over your exams until I give the signal.
SmartAss 3L: Why do we have to go through this crap every semester? This does nothing to prepare us for practicing law.
Protor: Well, ______, when you figure out a better way to test the material, you let me know.
SA3L: Hmmm. How about we break into pairs and present these fact patterns as if they were actual cases. Assign one student in each pair as D.A. and one as P.D.. Have them argue both sides using the material to present their case and battle it out. No winners or losers. Just base the grades on how well they apply the material. Give them the fact patterns/case files about 30 minutes in advance, cuz that's gonna happen in the real world all the time. 20 minutes or so. Have two teams going at once, cuz we are already sucking up 2 rooms at once with the laptop/writers thing. How's that?
Proctor: No talking during exams. Turn your papers over and begin.

The Definition of...

Good vs. Evil vs. Too Much Idle Time http://media.putfile.com/ultimateshowdown

DVD Review In 10 Words or Less

Million Dollar Baby
No one saw me but I cried. That speaks volumes.

Whine with your cheese, sir?

5 Things I Hate About My Law School...


5. Its Ugly. Probably not as bad as it was 15 years ago, but still... I guess I was expecting mahogany and old rugs, comfy seats and nice books. Its idealic, I know, but when you charge roughly 25,000 a year in "rent" you expect some amenities. I will settle for teak and a throw rug from IKEA.


4. the school store. let's not even get into the dusty cans of atomic-bunker tuna that have on the shelves since most words were spelled with an 'e' on the ende. its mostly the way that it is rarely open. the gate on that place goes up and down more than a French guillotine. I could starve!!! and try carrying at least one pencil!


3. not enough classes. this may sound odd for a consumate slacker such as myself (especially considering I would likely sign up for and subsequently skip any extra classes that were added to the curiculum). It simply creates this bidding war for the crap that we do have available, as if they are precious commodities that will bring in more money if there is more demand. Clearly there is an economics major behind our course scheduling.


2. No DDR


1. Career Services. the first year of law school (AKA the Darker Ages) we were herded into a room and addressed by CS as to what "services" they offer. some intrepid student raised his hand and asked what were his chances, considering his pre-destined mediocrity, of getting either a job or a clerkship through CS. much to his chagrin/shock and awe/pants-pooping horror
that unless he was in the top 10-25% of the class, CS could do next to nothing for him. Query: why would the TOP of the CLASS need ANYONE'S help?!? all they have to do is show up to a firm and say "where do it sit?" I could get these kids a job, but no one pays me for it. Its like if I were to start a fitness program with "guaranteed" results but we only take men between 150 and 185 pounds! its a lock! its a scam! I would think these people would strive to get s job for everyone. Number 145 of 145 would be my pet project. i mean, what else is there for you to do? I get more "service" at Quizno's and overcrowded karaoke bars.

isms...

Is it sexism when I tell you that my girlfriends manicurist married my doctor? What if I told you that the manicurist had to work for years to afford the engagement ring that he bought the doctor? Do we assume that the woman worked in the nail salon? I am not sure of that is sexism or just par for the course.
Is it racism when you cross the street to avoid three casually-dressed black guys walking toward you? I do. Would you step aside for three well dressed white guys? Criminals don't buy suits?
I cannot help but acknowledge that there is some prejudice in the world and I don't pretend that it is justified. Some things, however, are just the way things have been. I cannot say this is right or wrong, but when I walk into the Mouse's Ear I don't expect a sausage-fest swinging from the pole like a butcher shop (butchers are always men, right?). Should things change. Change is good. We are all still evolving. One day no one will be born with wisdom teeth, cutting a hole in the dentist's (man, white) business, forcing him to lay off his hygenist (woman). This post really has no resolution and I no longer expect any of you to answer, but I want you all to think. Why is it that "He's so well-spoken/articulate" only applies to non-WASPs? And that includes us Southerners. No one expects us to be intelligent and articulate. What kind of ism is that?

The Definition of...

Futility.
Trying to explain to someone why "Cornholio" is funny. You get it or you don't.
"Are you threatening me?!"

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Munich

Timely! Brilliant! Pulls no punches and takes no sides.

Tribes

Copious amounts of Scotch and Vodka make for a great catalyst for philosophical debate. My homies and I were chatting up the concepts of racism and classism. I felt that one day we will look back on the attitudes Americans have now about gay marriage and go "tsk tsk" the way we do about the 1950's approach to interracial marriage. One of my boys raised the point that perhaps these social ills grow out of the instinctual desire for tribalism.That people tend to shun others not like themselves out of an inate need to huddle. I tried to counter with the fact that I myself is in an interracial relationship and find it draws little fire or disdain, but the truth is that now i huddle in with the "smart" tribe. That now i cannot suffer the company of the "dimmer" crowd long merely because we have so little in common. I dont give them shit or anything like that, its just that i laugh with them but spend time with my "tribe". we all choose our groups: rich, smart, drunk, fit and pretty, fat and horny, black, asian, jewish, islamic, thug, redneck (and CP pointed out that these last two are essentially the same people i.e. the gun-toting, hard-drinking, wife-slapping, ride-pimping angry poor). I envision a future where the whole world is one (higly intelligent, light brown and bisexual).

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Brokeback Mountain
Important. Eye-Opening. Won't be seen by those who SHOULD.

The Definition of...

IRONY
what if "LiveStrong" bracelets cause cancer?