Things I Love/Hate and Why

Love

Reality TV. Because there's nothing like watching dreams get crushed in real time.

My DVR. It allows me to record and watch the dream-crushing whenever I want and in slow-mo.

The smell of fingernail polish remover. I dont know why.

Doughnuts. Why not?

Hookers. Because they make for such interesting conversation about their wardrobe, sense of self and legal issues (So what if I'm a ho? I love my kids!)

Hate

Clients who show up late. Because it throws off my whole day.

Clients who show up early, because they always arrive while I'm eating.

Clients who show up unannounced/uninvited/unwanted. Because I'm always doing something wayyy cooler and would call if I wanted to see them.

Clients. See 1,2,and 3.

I had a clients check come back 'insufficient funds'. Made me re-evaluate the reasons why I practice law. Is it the money? If its not, why does this piss me off so bad (or is it badly)? Shouldn't I be more concerned with the obvious injustice involved in her case? Or should I take the stance that my family has to eat and I am not some nameless cog at the Baker Donelson machine that draws that fat check each month. I needs my shizzle, bizzle! Is it worse that I cut this woman a break in the first place? Is it worse that she still expects me to hustle on this case?
All the older attorneys told me when I started this "You'll be hardened in about a year and won't be half as sympathetic to these people". Am I on the excelerated program and have reached my limit already? Or do I just learn from my mistakes faster?
Lawyers are like trees. Over time they petrify into these stony, crotchety old snapping turtles.
I cant wait.

Today's Cynical POV: Good clients are harder to find than a full set of teeth in a trailer park.

30 Rock Is...

Genius. Its so good, I want to take it behind the Middle School and get it pregnant!

Spare the Rodham

Someone asked me why I havent blogged lately. Well, like a fat man who can't see his penis anymore, I haave found that things get in the way of what makes us happy.
I just had a woman call me about a divorce, trying to sell me the sad-song version of her life. When I asked what the other side had against her that was stalling an amicable settlement, she said " Well I kinda got mad and set fire to my ex's new girlfriend' car and then I got arrested over some mess and then I spent some time in jail and then some time in a mental health vacility (not a misprint) and then..."
At this point, I began to wander. I thought of the coming election for President and all the candidates available. I really wish I could say that Hillary has a chance, but she don't. Why?
Because of stupid women like the one I was ignoring on the phone just then. I mean, what happens when Bill pisses off Pres. Hillary? Will she set fire to Ghana?
I'm not trying to sound like a mysogynist. I am only pointing out that America heaps the actions of an entire group upon those it percieves as it representatives. This is a bigoted attitude, basically saying one is the same as all the others, but thats the way this country runs.
Thats why Obama will never win, that and the fact that his name rhymes with that of the most sought after terrorist in history. I'd never win if my name was Randolph Hitlerson. Not even on the GOP ticket.
All I'm saying is, if you want a male First Lady, tell the following to chill:
Britney
Lindsey Lohan
Anna Nicole (she's still damaging the rep of women after her demise. impressive.)
half my clients
Paris
Nicole Ritchie

Feel free to add.

I Am Britney's Discarded Locks

Oh the sights I have seen.
London, Tokyo, Sydney
All in a weekend
I have teased and been teased
By the best.
Blondes have more of everything.
But then...
Sweet Sweet Salon girl
Refuses to do me harm.
Mad Mad Britney
Takes matters into her own hands
I can see the headlines!
Britney Shears! Baldy Spears! Celebrity Buzzzz!
And here I lay. Discarded
My roots tell a tale.
A chemical romance
that cannot end on speaking terms.
And out the door she goes.
A little lighter. A little cooler.
And I am swept up and on eBay
Before the sun can rise.
Dyed.
Died.

You Can Lead A Ho to Water

but you cant make em think.

Last week we had a treat land in our office. Apparently a lawyer here (for the purposes of this story, we'll call her Jama) acted as a GAL on a case and had to privately bill it. Well, the bill was returned by one of the parent's attorney (her name sorta rhymes with Howie Mandel) and basically said that all of the charges were excessive. She then proceeded to go through each billed MINUTE and state first how it was too much, then how she herself (Howie) only bills X.X minutes to do the same thing and finally (and here is where the 'balls as big as church bells' moment happens) requested the attorney explain in detail what she was doing for all that time.

Now, bless Jama's tender-hearted soul, but she actually felt worried over this.
Let me just say where I stand.
1. Fuck you, lady.
2. who the sweet Jesus shit are you?
3. how is it my fault that you dont put any time into your work, you lazy cooz?
4. isnt it more obviously malpractice to admittedly cut corners in your representation?
5. Is that kind of sloth a 'shall' or a 'may' report to the Board. Cuz Im leaning toward 'Shall'.
6. Let me see every bill you have every sent out. Hell I'll start going over you whole life! How much did you tithe last year? What are you tipping at Outback? How many times in the last 10 years have you said 'Nope, sorry, no spare change'?
7. You must want to fight. I'll get street with ya, biyatch!
8. How do you draft an Order in 0.1 hours? I cant even hit 'print' that fast.

By the way, I am billing you or somebody else for this time. Self-righteous gutter slut.

Moment of Realization

In light of the astronaut love triangle, it came to me just now. I'm gone all day and have no idea what my baby is up to. She could be driving across the country, rubbing out paramours left and right. Imagine my horror when I rushed home opened her jumper and there it was...a diaper.
I wonder what her weapon of choice is. I bet its something harmless-looking like a poison-coated teething ring or exploding poo.
I grow suspicious of the car seat. We sleep in shifts.

Cheeky Monkey

I heard a prominent local attorney gained that status by having his office number changed to one that matched a recently deceased, well-known attorney.

My name change application is in the mail. Do I look like a "Johnny Cochran"? Cuz I feel like one.

Life's Hard Truths

The difference between a "challenging case that could set some precedent and could present some challenging Constitutional issues" and "an unwinnable, waste of time, turd of a case" is about $5000.

Guilty Pleasures

Somewhere between the stacks of unbilled files and the unsigned Motions, I watch alot of movies. And, this being Oscar season, everyone wants to talk about the greatest movies of all time and how much we love them. Well inversely we all have those films that we hold near and dear to our hearts that draw nothing but criticism from others when they see them in our movie collections. Some are so bad they are good. Some are so low-budget, they barely count as "cinema". Others seem to invite looks of shame from our loved ones. This is my list. Dont judge me!
Return of the Living Dead (zombies that run kick ass)
Flash Gordon (the one from 1980, not 1936.)
Blazing Saddles (so racist its a riot)
Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt Russell as John Wayne/Elvis)
The Quick and the Dead (Sharon Stone is sooo tough)
Sol Goode (there's something special about Tori Spelling driving a Red Bull truck)
Last Action Hero (best satire EVER)
Shaun of the Dead (this will also land on my "Unrecognized heroes of film" list)
NeverEnding Story (no, I will NOT grow up)
Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Time Bandits (cuz midgets ROCK)

The Definition of...

Dedication.

Wearing an adult diaper to ensure you dont have to stop on your nonstop cross-country, hate drive to pummel and kidnap your obsession's current lover.

Ghoul Pool Update

So...
since no one bothered to comment. No one gets credit for Anna Nicole. Too bad. That would have scored pretty high.

In Re Baby Loblaw

We settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. I'm glad she cant count yet. I bet she thinks nickels are worth more than dimes because they are bigger. Stupid, stupid baby.

Survey

Truly Original Survey

Would you do this?

1. Join the Military or the Mob?Mob. Likely has a longer survival rate with higher pay.
2. Turn a close friend in if they committed a serious offense ex. murder?Nah. I'm sure the other guy had it coming.
3. Make one porno if it meant never having to work again?Definitely. Then use my new found wealth to buy all the copies and burn em.
4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your biggest crush if there was no possibility that they would EVER find out?Now how stupid do you think I am?
5. Eat spoiled food from the garbage or go hungry?hungry.

What if...
1. In your relationship you find out you are going to have a baby but one of you doesn't want it. Who has the right to choose?Tails.
2. Your partner had to work overseas for a year, would you consider playing around?Consider? Sure.
3. You find out before having sex for the first time with your partner that they have a highly contagious STD, would you still have sex with them?Only if I had the same one.
4. You are in a serious accident in the middle of nowhere and your only chance of survival is to cut off your own arm, would you do it?i have a spare
5. You had to kill a member of your family if it meant you would save thousands of lives, would you?Depends on who.

Yes or No1. H
ave you had cyber-sex?yes
2. Would you masturbate in front of your partner?yes
3. Would you tell your partner (who you really love) that they are bad in bed?no
4. While having sex, have you ever thought about someone else to keep you turned on?Ever? Yes
5. Have you ever looked at a family member and felt sexually attracted to them? Are pets family??

What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?disagree
2. The night of your best-friend's wedding their fiance comes on to you, should you tell your best-friend? only if i hit dat and it sucks. cuz as a friend, i think i should warn him she's bad in bed, right?
3. You catch one of your parents having a one-night-stand, should you tell the other parent?Maybe after i stop throwing up!
4. Your partner wants to go to a "swingers" club, would you go to keep your partner happy?yes
5. You are about to tell your spouse that you want a divorce but they just found out that a close family member is dying, do you still tell them?no

Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever fake illness to get attention?no, unless if by attention you mean a 'crazy check'
2. You are the first to arrive at the scene of an accident but it turns out that the person hurt is your worst enemy, do you help or walk away?help, but first i go through their pockets and hide their insurance information and splash them with beer.
3. You have a non life threatening sexual disease, would you have a one night stand without telling the person?Isnt that how i got it in the first place? will i never learn?
4. Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someones feelings?truth is always funnier
5. Do you think this survey was truly original?best one since the last one

34 And I Still Dont Know...

1. why women think you should be able to read their minds when I KNOW they can't read mine, or else I'd be single. And have no female friends. Or at least none with any conscience or self-esteem. Or an understanding of terms like ATM and DP.

2. why I'm the only one pronounces the first 'r' in February.

3. why people dont want gays to marry. They have every right to be as miserable as the rest of society.

4. how something can be 'bunk' and thats bad yet if something is'debunked' its bad.

5. why everyone laughs when I say I'm a doctor.

6. whats the difference between catsup, ketchup and fancy ketchup.

7. why everyone comes up to me and will comment on my blog but NO ONE 'comments' on my blog.

Back From Outer Space

All apologies, but I had a computer meltdown. But fear, not! My time was not spent idly...well mostly. I learned a few things from my clients on my time off. and i have a few new vocab words that may or may not violate some confidentiality whatevers.
1. telling someone that your retainer is $2500 and then allowing them to make payments and then actually only getting three installments of $286, $214 and $96 (not $100 because he 'needed a sausage biscuit' on his way to pay me) shall be henceforth known as "Pulling a Gipson". Although a Gipson can also mean believing that the commencement of an action to modify child support is enough to relieve you of that obligation until further adjudication. Cuz whats the point if its gonna change, right?

2. Crazy people pay more consistenly than the sane. And they insist on doing it in person.

3. Telling callers you are NOT an attorney, but rather a secretary will not get you out of being asked the most asinine legal questions, accompanied by their life's story.

4. Most attorneys pretend to be attention-seeking because they think thats right, but in reality they run from exposure like roaches when teh kitchen lights come on.

5. Never get a boob job in Knoxville...from a dentist. The med-mal attorneys fees are way more than a plane ticket to LA where you can get it done right the first time.

6. There are some perverts in this thing of ours. Thats cool and all, its just kinda funny too.

7.You can get less time in OP Court for biting your ex's ear off than for calling her 124 times. Bon apetit.

More to follow.