American Waist-Land

Living in this pseudo-police state, I recognize that shame is likely the number 2 motivator of people next to fear. Having made this revelation, I feel that shame is the key to solving a problem I share with 127 million adults. I am a fatty. Whew! I did it! Step One complete.
I am reaching the age where there is little chance of turning back. The drinks hit a little harder, the muscle ache more often and it all takes a bit longer to get there, wherever that is. So here it is. Let the shame begin!
From this day forward every Monday I will post an update as to my weight and BMI (thats Body Mass Index for those of you don't care enough to know. Fatty) as of that morning.
Be warned! The first weeks will be shocking. To you AND to me since I haven't gotten on a scale in 3 or 4 months. Fuck! This is embarassing. But thats the point, right? Malcolm X said get there by any means necessary. He had better be right or I'll kill him again. Skinny bastard.

Poet and Didnt Know It

Probably the best loved of American poets the world over is Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Many of his lines are as familiar to us as rhymes from Mother Goose or the words of nursery songs learned in early childhood. Like these rhymes and melodies, they remain in the memory and accompany us through life.
There are two reasons for the popularity and significance of Longfellow's poetry. First, he had the gift of easy rhyme. He wrote poetry as a bird sings, with natural grace and melody. Read or heard once or twice, his rhyme and meters cling to the mind long after the sense may be forgotten.
Second, Longfellow wrote on obvious themes which appeal to all kinds of people. His poems are easily understood; they sing their way into the consciousness of those who read them. Above all, there is a joyousness in them, a spirit of optimism and faith in the goodness of life which evokes immediate response in the emotions of his readers.
Americans owe a great debt to Longfellow because he was among the first of American writers to use native themes. He wrote about the American scene and landscape, the American Indian ('Song of Hiawatha'), and American history and tradition ('The Courtship of Miles Standish', 'Evangeline'). At the beginning of the 19th century, America was a stumbling babe as far as a culture of its own was concerned. The people of America had spent their years and their energies in carving a habitation out of the wilderness and in fighting for independence. Literature, art, and music came mainly from Europe and especially from England. Nothing was considered worthy of attention unless it came from Europe.
But "the flowering of New England," as Van Wyck Brooks terms the period from 1815 to 1865, took place in Longfellow's day, and he made a great contribution to it. He lived when giants walked the New England earth, giants of intellect and feeling who established the New Land as a source of greatness. Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau, Oliver Wendell Holmes, and William Prescott were a few of the great minds and spirits among whom Longfellow took his place as a singer and as a representative of America.

Stupid is as stupid does

This just goes to show that there are always 2 right answers.

http://gprime.net/video.php/whatsaho

SPOILER ALERT!

This post contains several spoilers for the DaVinci Code. Stop here if you haven't read it and if you actually give a shit how it turns out.
Now, to all the rest of you, whats the big effing deal. I read the book and I have some opinions going both ways.
In favor of the book, I have to say that the subject matter was fascinating. It was an original concept, at least to me, and I read the book all the way through because I had to know what the Grail was. I did my own research into the idea of Christ being married and the whole Knights Templar. I can see how the theory was built from the history, but I still was blown away by the concepts he created, considering the truth. Anyone who will concede the existence of Jesus but not his divinity would find this story so plausible that I can see how one would get caught up in the book and love it.
Here's the problem, the guy can't write. The entire book is so badly written it was distracting me from page 2 until the last chapter. Dialogue was flimsy and the descriptions of the scenery were so bland that I didn't know what he was trying to describe. Also, in my research I found what Ithough I already knew: albinos can't see. Almost all are legally blind. Cant shoot moving targets in the dark when you cant see your feet. Dumb. The characters had no character. The typical hero/nerd combo that Dan Brown had the balls to describe as an Indiana Jones type. No shit. The super hot scientist-lady? Like that happens. THe stupid cryptograph puzzles she played as a child? Yawn. What a lame setup. Saw that coming from a mile away.
Its almost like...gasp...he was writing this to be one day made into a movie. Ya think?
Once I figured out the girl was the Grail I really checked out. I actually never read the last couple of pages cuz what do I care if the hero/nerd and the hot heroine/nerd got together to make hero/Jesus-spawn?
I cant wait for his next book about a supermodel/doctor who discovers that all Popes are really girls.
Of course, I am still going to see the movie. After all, isn't that all it was? A descent screenplay? Plus I love Tom Hanks and Ron Howard.
I hate you Dan Brown. If that is your real name!

Movie Review In 10 Words or Less

Silent Hill

Asstastic dialogue, confusing plotlines. Horrific, effective visuals! Bad dreams follow.

CHEERS!!!

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Ben Franklin

What is it about alcohol that makes it hold such sway over us? It holds so much power in tiny little 1 to 40 oz. containers. It has the power to heal the broken heart. It can make the shittiest day a little better. Sinatra once said he felt sorry for anyone who didnt drink because when they woke up in the morning, they felt the best they were going to feel all day.
But what is this ethanol mojo? Is it transformative or evaluative. In other words, does it make you believe something that is not there or does it ignite the dormant? Does it delude its consumers into believing they are the sexiest man or woman alive or is that the person's true perception of themselves and the booze only pulls backthe curtain? Or is it a combination of both?
Alcohol, or as I like to call it "Awesomeness Juice", whatever your brand, tends to divide us into groups.
There are the afoermentioned Hotties who see themselves as suddenly the reason God made cool. Considering most of them are a bit off-base, I call that one Transformative.
A close cousin and often a siamese twin to the Hotties are the Extreme Makeover Goggles. They see everyone else of the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on what bar you are in) as Carmen Electra/Brad Pitt. This is a bit more dangerous than the Hotties Syndrome. Hotties tend to aim too high and get shot down form overestimating their worth. EMGs tend to hit on the saddest slab of Canadian Bacon poured onto a stool and often wins (if you can call the inevitable morning seesion of chagrin and vomit "winning").
Next on our tour of Toddy's, we find the John Lennon. Lennons love EVERYBODY and will tell you so every five minutes. They hug, they kiss and they get so close you can count the pores on their gin-soaked chins. They sing and they sway and they make new friends. Harmless except they tend to make plans and promises they cant keep or recall.
In our last cage on the right (mind your fingers folks) is the rare and elusive Rock Em Sock Em drinker. This pansy normally wouldnt fight a cold, but three drinks in and he's suddenly Clubber Lang. "What are you looking at?!?" Dont worry, folks. He swings and spits but he cant hit shit. Push him and watch him fall.
These arent all of our categories, mind you. There is the Herbert Hoover (filled with depression and hopelessness), the Nietzsche (full of groundless philosophy and pointless insight) also known as the Freud, the Dialer (no explanation needed), on and on.
The heart of the matter lies with this: are we being true to ourselves or are we in need of an excuse to be who we are?
Either way, drink up and enjoy!

W.C. Fields: I try my best to stick to alcohol. I never drink water.
Interviewer: Why not?
W.C. Fields: Fish fuck in it!

SOOOO Mature

1. I still laugh when my professors say duty (heh, he said doody).

2. I have recently found that there are still people about to become professional who are fighting over boys that dont even belong to them. Not that anyone belongs to anyone. Except me...to my girlfriend...I miss my penis.

3. People say that gay marriage may lead to dog-fucking. First, dogs are already being molested, so... Second, we, as Americans, have a duty (teehee) to listen to the minority and to help the downtrodden.

4. see next post

I Want My ADD

I seem to be faulted for not listening to people talking. First, most people have nothing to say. They are not talking to me. They are talking to get their story told and could give a flying frag grenade what my opinion is and what I have to say about whatever they thought was interesting enough to waste my time with. Second, I think the ability to stare you in the face and nod without having a drop of information be retained is a sort of super power. Can you do it? My brain is a sacred land of fun and creativity. I cannot allow it to be tainted with your droning tales of your favorite band or your colorless recount of your Saturday drama. My ADD is a preservation mechanism. Its like a V-Chip for bullshit. Right now I am staring at a women attempting to poison my impressionable mind with her LexisNexis propaganda without absorbing a thing. Just gimme my Chi-Fil-A and my 500 points so I can order some DVDs and go back to wherever they issued that leisure suit! Browse is your buddy. What? Info...leaking...in! Must... check out of...meeting! Ah, there. Back to inner silence. Lastly, try not speaking unless you have something to add. It may surprise you how little you really say in the span of a day. Read your lease! You probably contracted to not commit waste! I DID learn this, despite my best efforts...when some one says " Thats a great question"..they dont have an answer. Yawn. Wasted words. But hey, look who's talking! Cuz isnt that what this blog is?

Oversights

Things They Should Have Ask on the Character and Fitness Questionaire Because They Would Be Nice Things To Know

Have you ever committed a felony for which you were not charged/arrested/observed committing?
Do you consume more than 6 alcoholic beverages on a daily basis? If no, why not?
Are you currently addicted to crack/meth/sex/glue/pornography/reality TV?
Have you ever spent a significant amount of time in a rehabilitation center?
Do you know what a "Hot Carl" is? (don't Google it, trust me)
Do you have any real friends outside of the 6 losers you knew in Jr. High that you listed in Question 28?
Have you ever been asked "What the fuck is wrong with you" by a stranger ?
Do you have a collection of anything other than CDs and DVDs?
Do you wear your pants above our navel?
When was the last time you got laid?
Do you still live with your parents?
Is your dad a lawyer? Your mom?
Have you ever had a TRO (temporary restraining order) or OP (order of protection) taken out against you?
Whats a Dikfer? (answer: to pee with)

Do you think bow ties and suspenders are a good idea? Why?

I feel these are the things we need to know to weed out the weirdos. Far more relevant than my credit history or my speeding tickets. "Have you ever been more than 90 late on a payment?" Duh! I was in COLLEGE!

Ode To A Warrior

Oh General Tso, General Tso,
What great wars did you fight?
What crimson fields of battle
Inspired your perfect sauce?
What cowardice, your choice
Of chicken?

No man is greater
Than he who can take up the sword
And the spatula.
Did you look out upon roiling conflicts
And see the steaming wok?

Red sauce, tender chicken, sizzling oil
Red blood, tough men, the heat of battle.
Coincidence?

Did they taunt you
In the officers tent?
History knows not their names.
Vindication!

A&E: Biography-Chuck Norris

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MP9CHQZ3mHw&search=oblivion%20chuck%20norris

Those who made this were found dead with size 11 dents in their face.

My Fellow Americans...

I know all of you are wondering why I didnt run for class speaker. First, I would like to congratulate "Big Time" on his landslide victory. I voted for you, but then I voted for Kerry. Second, like I told them at the press conference, I have alot on my plate right now and there was just not enough time to practice a speech between classes, studying, training for the Boston Marathon, my teaching Bikram Yoga 4 nights a week, all my work with lepers and my government-funded research diet of chocolate and beer. Thats not to say I didnt write one. Like to hear? Here it go!

"To the Graduating Class of 2006, to the distingusihed faculty, to the proud parents in attendance...Welcome and Congratulations! Since I am known for expressing my opinion in 10 words or less, I will remain in that spirit and keep brevity as my watchword. Future attorneys of the world. Why were you here? Why are you here? I bet you think you came here to make a difference in the world. Or to make some real money so that you can buy that fancy Beemer to compensate for your inadequate "personality". But here is the ugly truth. You are all cavemen and women. You came here to find a way to build a nest. You use your Rolex brand club to bludgeon your victim and drag him/her back to your Pottery Barn-encrusted "cave". Once there, you feed and breed, feed and breed. Sure you get to wear nice suits (though half of you wouldnt know a nice suit from a law suit), but you are all hairless apes! Evolve! I know, I know. You dont believe in evolution. Well too bad, you TV shepherd and La-Z-Boy sheep! It believes in you! Things change, evolve. Thats the nature of existence! No such thing as evolution? Fine then, dont ever get another flu shot again! What's the point? Its the same flu as last year, right? No way it could have "evolved". Bastards. Think for yourselves! Be yourselves! At least 15% of the population of the US is homosexual and you mean to tell me not one guy in our class of 150 plays for the same team? Stand up and be counted! THAT'S the real definition of a pansy. Not that you like sausage, but that you wont admit it! Yeah, thats right! I DONT have a job, yet! So what? You wanna make something out of it? Meet me by the bike rack! Pansies! And not the gays! You! Yeah, you with your stripes on you sleeve and your squarish hat thing! Suck it! And as for you, Kay...what? Oh, I see that I am out of time. Enjoy the reception afterwards and the PMBR to immediately follow! One day off?!? Fuckers! Ich Ben Ein Krispy Kreme!!!"
At this point the giant hook held by ponytail A/V guy comes out and drags me from the podium.
As you can tell, I plan to be shit-faced at Hooding. I think it adds something usually missing to the mood of the occasion. What do you think? Feel free to borrow any portion of it Big Time.

Mrs. J.D. Hunter, esq.

When I was in college, I met alot of people who came to college for the strangest of reasons; this is what my parents want me to do, this is my only option, I am really into black and white French drama and sincerely believe that I can turn this into a career. But what I thought was the funniest were the ladies who came looking for a man. Ha! First off, we were all clueless in college. Who the hell thinks that bunch of broke, drunk, rambling idiots with road cones on their heads will make a "good catch"? I think that describes the drunk tank at County lockup and the homeless dude under the overpass more so than a future provider. Besides, for what a Bachelor's is worht these days, they ought to print them on Charmin. At least then I can wipe my ass with it.
But here is where the story gets weirder, dear reader. There are those who come to Law School looking for the same thing. Granted, there is a higher percentage of finding a man without the orange cone for a hat, but I doubt they are any less wasted and adrift. The thinking, if you can call it that, is probably travelling along these lines: All he has to do is make through and we are RICH!
Reality Check
1. Unless he is a patent lawyer or getting his JD/MBA you really are living in the 80's if you think we make more than your average sanitation worker before taxes (though some of us smell better)
2. You are likely shelling out more money for a law tuition and your expenses than he will make in his first 18 months out.
Screw the numbering. Here is the truth. You would have done better spending 100 bucks on a short dress (so short you have to shave to wear it, and I don't mean your legs) and just show up at Toddy's Backdoor Tavern or Sapphire any Thursday-Sunday. Hell, we will buy you drinks. Pocket the $60+ grand you pay this money pit. You'll need it so you can support your new catch until after he takes the Bar the second time. And trust me, we can run up a tab.
There is a medical school about 100 miles away. Doctors make more, are home less (as opposed to homeless) and you will have a better chance at winning an argument. Sigh. If it weren't for all the blood and math, I would have been a great boob doctor. I swing a mean Sharpie.

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Thank You for Smoking

Witty, scathingly critical from all sides. "Make arguments, not negotiations."

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Lucky Number Slevin

Underuse of its talent but still quality crime noir.

Craptop

Sorry for the wide gap in time between postings, but it seems that my Panasonic Toughbook is that in name only. Funny how computer companies, when building these things, never take into account my penchant for droppage; for turning my laptop off and on at least 11 times a day; for the related 22 packings/unpackings per diem; for its use as a coaster or some sort of TV tray/ writing table; for the random Viagra email that I occassionally open because its so cleverly disguised as an email from my buddy Vance, who I don't even know. Laptops need airbags.Front and side and maybe even curtains. I shall return.

BM, 33, Intelligent Seeks...

What is the name of that song in the new Jaguar XK commercial? Its kinda phat, at least the 30 seconds we are force fed in the ad. Nice car, though.