Funeral for a Friend

Well thats it then.
The NAACP buried the N-word the other day, so thats it. Its gone now. Mourn that long-standing noun that has been the heart of so much comedy and tragedy over the past 400 years. Wow, 4 centuries. You had a good run. I mean "honky" barely lasted ten years! Honky-tonk made short work of that word. Cracker's hanging in there but it has to hold up til the year 2355 to even be a contender. So, racists everywhere! We can't hear you anymore. It'll be like those 'dropped call' commercials. You'll be ranting like you always do and then...silence. So find a new outlet buddy.
Seriously, though. Is this how we deal with our problems now? We pretend they die and that makes everything alright? I mean, I've probably used the word more in my lifetime than Strom Thurman ever did. I like it. I miss it, being in a predominantly non-diverse portion of the state. What gives the NAACP the right? Especially coming from an organization that still uses the word "Colored". Hypocrites. And what spelling of the word now lies in the cold cold ground? The dreaded 'er' version or the 'ends in a' one? Is Nucca out of bounds? And what does the headstone say? I mean, how can you kill a word and then put NIGGER on a slab of stone for all eternity? So many questions.
I always thought you took control of a word, not pull an ostrich move and bury our collective and multi-colored (sorry) heads in the proverbial sand. I know that words have power, but so do we, don't we? And can you kill a word thats in someone's heart? Was the NAACP right? Is it Dave Chapelle circa 2005 or is it Back-to-Africa Dave?
Maybe its time to put it to rest. Maybe there's too much stigma attached to the word...
Nigga. pleaz!

This Night We Dine on Poultry!!!

The bald eagle is no longer on the endangered species list. Eat up, kids.

I did notice they still wear that silly white toupee. You're bald!!! Get over it!

Query to the Masses

1. Recently my boss got her hands on a copy of the tales of that American folk icon, Uncle Remus. His tales of Br'er Rabbit, Fox and Bear and Tar Baby are classics. But the setting, pre- and post- Civil War South, depicts slaves as a happy lot, always singing and smiling and speaking in an almost-unintelligible slang that cannot be described. These tales also feature the prominent use of the dreaded N-word (nigger, in case you didn't know), leading to Disney vaulting the film version of the book, Song of the South. Disney is considering a DVD release, which has stirred up some controversy. Is it historically important, not to mention chocked full of great animation and music? Or is it a remnant of a past best forgotten? Do we learn from the past or simply move on, ignoring the ugliness behind us? Let's hear from you.

Movie Qoute Game

What, you think I'm retarded or something?
Yeah Goon, sometimes I really think you are.

Relocation Darwinism

The Loblaw Family has recently purchased and moved into a house for the first time. I decided to save a few hundred bucks (towards my HDTV) and move it all myself. I make some bad decisions from time to time but this was a doozy. This bad idea was on par with the Corvair and the Oprah's Vagina episode of South Park. Spectacularly unwise.
Around Day 4 of this two day move, I came to the conclusion that whatever will fit into the last 2 boxes I had left, was meant to be there. And also that whatever didn't survive the move, regardless of how tight I shut my eyes when I tossed it in the box, was weak and was never meant to have a place in the new hacienda. Darwin must have moved alot.

the Dying Art of Nepotism

I get a lot of calls from the shadier side of my family tree seeking free legal advise and representation. Usually it goes a little like this:
Hey cuz, what's been going on?
Nothing much, you know, living, working...
Hows that baby of yours?
(Now I know somethings up)
Great! Except for the crying and the shoving of electrical wires into her mouth or the desire to drool into my expensive electronics. Peachy.
We dont here from you much any more.
Its called plausible deniability.
What?
I said, is Paul still on disability?
Oh yeah yeah...so anyway I have this problem. Dude is trying to screw me out of about $300 and...
You get the idea folks. So this is a general post to all Loblaw family members out there.
1. it'll cost you 10 times that amount for any lawyer to help you.
2. that includes me
3. I dont like you. thats why I dont call. It has nothing to do with how busy I am. I'm really not all that busy. I have about 6 hours down time a day and you cant have any of it.
4. this phone call will cost you about 38 bucks.
5. I know you're guilty of whatever it is you were asking me about. Remember I was there the last time you did it? Yeah, let it go.
6. Sometimes, just sometimes, bad things happen to bad people.
7. Stop committing crimes. Cops harass you way less when you do. There is a correlation.
8. Oh and yeah...you dont have a case.
Somewhere the Family Ties theme song is playing.

Movie Qoute Game

Name the film, character and actor
"This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient...but I do love Fig Newtons!

Addendumb

Because I make light of the troubles of the world, people tend to think I make these things up. The latest was in regards to the White Pride Rally this past weekend, but I swear, I couldn't make anything that retarded up. Or I could but why would I, when I can always drop a Paris Hilton joke? Anyway, for the non-believers heres a link. Check out the sign the older lady is holding. It raises some issues about Jesus' heritage that I find particularly interest.

Retraction

So I ended up going to the White Pride Rally. My kid is half white, so its my duty to take her to these kinds of function, right?
Anyway, I was totally wrong about the whole event! I thought it would be all about screaming racial epithets in white robes. Well it wasn't ALL about that. I mean, it was more like a carnival or state fair than anything. They had games for the kiddies like Pin the Crime on the Minority and Mexican pinatas (made with REAL Mexicans!). There were activity tents with lots and lots of literature in easy to read words and crosswords for the parents to do (whats a 4 letter word for "killers of our Lord and Savior"? Starts with a J...hmmm). And you could tell every thought my baby was so pretty by the way they stared and stared...and stared. Anyway, we had snacks and sang songs (mostly hymns and some others I didnt know) but we didnt stay for the bonfire.
Anyway, all in all, it was something to behold.
Can't wait til next year.

White Sale

I caught wind of news that there is to be a white pride rally this weekend here in Knoxville. Now I have nothing against pride in who you are. I mean, I'm sure this is in reaction to the fact that this is gay pride month or something. And I'm all about elevating my brown people and I cheered for the Latinos when they had there immigration thingy last year.
But here's the problem: historically, white pride ends up being trouble.
First of all, its never populated with the people you want representing your race. The toothless, thoughtless, Dixie flag waving, hateful Wal-Martians. Sooner or later, someone forgets to say white pride and yells out "White Power". Now the veil , or should i say 'sheet', is pulled aside and all hell breaks loose.
There's no need to bring everyone else down just to raise your particular group up. You get pride from reminding everyone else that you are 'better'?
I mean, we all know its great to be white. Duh! You guys get cabs, fewer suspicious glances in convenience stores and you got almost ALL the serial killers!
Anyways, the event is called the StormFront White Pride Rally Against Black Crime or something and its all this weekend by the Knox County Courthouse downtown. Email jewskillchrist@yahoo.com for details (no lie).
1000 points to whomever gets me a pamphlet!

I Love DnD

nonono. Not Dungeons and Dragons! Deal or No Deal, baby!
Oh the human drama! If aliens came to our world and wanted to know everything they ever needed to know about us as a race, humanity should offer up any episode of DND.
1. Everyone has a story
2. We start out cheering for them
3. They begin to sweat, fret and bet their lives by round 3 for a shot at the American Dream
4. They may or may not waiver at this point, so we bring in their friends and family to bolster there resolve.
5. In complete ignorance of probabilty and tax consequences, they press on.
6. Now they feel entitled. Now they have forgotten that this is free money and that $25,ooo of windfall cash is NOT an insulting offer for 15 minutes of your time, Mr. Janitor-By-Day
7. Now you hate them and wish them only ill.
8. And you hate their stupid families too. Their only purpose is to egg this pompous ass on into total bankruptcy.
9. Now comes the fall and you are glad, glad, glad. $25 grand is now 50 bucks and there are still 3 cases to open. No Deal!
10. And now it ends and they go home and watch the DVR of their insistence upon looking into the mouth of that gift-horse on their tiny, tiny TV and wonder how much shit they are going to catch at their crap ass jobs the next day and how are they gonna spend that big fat check for one cent.
Howie Mandell exposes more truth about human nature and the soul than Freud and Jung and Kant rolled into one. I think the Banker is Satan.

Movie Review in 10 Words or Less

Spiderman 3

Why is everyone crying in this film? Dont bother.

Take Me To Your Leader

We live in a universe of conflict. But its always nice to know you have someone to turn to in times of need. Someone who knows how to quell conflicts in every language of every race of creature in all the known galaxies. Thats right, I'm talking about Ms. Japan!!!
Last week, after days of endless hand-to-hand combat, ruthless debate, sleep deprivation, tea leave divination and of course a popular vote, we elected Ms. Japan as the new ruler of All. When Ms. Japan was crowned Ms. Universe, the heavens shook! It was a glorious competition, with contestants from at least 75 different planets and ....
Actually, they were all from here, mostly fro Latin and Central America and it was lame. Miss USA fell on her ass. No combat. No Klingons. Nothing.
Why do they call this Miss Universe? Is she going to halt the war between the Empire and the Rebellion? Will she sit down with Darth Vader and Han Solo and hash out some issues? What does she do, anyway?
Since she's Japanese I assume she can turn into a giant robot and then maybe into a Prius. Then she can drive around and speak on her platform of energy conservation from her unique perspective. Or maybe in times of trouble she grows 100 feet tall and fires lasers from her mouth at North Korea.
All I know is I didnt vote for her, so dont blame me when the aliens arrive with laser guns blazing and you turn to her for guidance and all she can say is "World Peace".

Movie Trivia Quote Game

If those little sweethearts won't face German bullets, they'll face French ones!

No cheating.

Welfare Republicans

I once worked in an office that was 90% Republican. From time to time someone would settle their fat ass in a chair in my office and banter. Sooner or later they'd feel comfortable enough (cuz I'm sooo disarming) to tell me an off-color joke, usually involving Mexicans and the Rio Grande, women and I.Q. or Asians and algebra. First off, what about this educated Black male exterior makes you think I'm not sensitive to the plight of the minority? Was there a vote that I missed. After 9/11, are Arabs and Mexicans the new n-words? I missed the memo.
I dont want to sound narrow-minded or to take a shot at Clarence Thomas or Colin Powell, but most African-Americans are Democrats. Which, if you think about it, says a lot for how shitty Republicans are. I mean, being a church-centric society, Blacks are fundamentally against homosexuality and are generally conservative. Yet and still, Democrats.
But what kills me to death are these broke ass, under-educated, welfare-receiving, teen pregnancy terminating sister-fuckers who insist on voting Republican just because "papaw was a Republican". Well, papaw was a repressed homosexual too. Try that on for size. I mean, your party wants to stop you from having an abortion, then cut off all your aid you ask for to help feed those babies, raise your taxes without raising the minimum wage you need to survive and then teach your ten kids in school that they're going to hell. Good choice.
Think I'll get online and see if I can find an application for the KKK. Its almost Memorial Day, white's back in season. I'll be the one in the 600 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheet.

Guantanamo Schmantanamo

Baby Loblaw, you win.
Day 7.
She has waged a relentless campaign against. First she pretends to be my friend; she coos and smiles and pats my back. Then suddenly, the truth.
Screaming in my face, vomiting in my eyes, sleep deprivation tactics. I cant even get a spoon of food to my mouth without reprimand. I'm wasting away. Classic techniques. I saw it all on the History Channel, but it seemed so distant and unreal on TV. But its real, my God, its real.
And the worst part is, she won't give me an 'out'. She won't tell me what I have to say, who I have to rat out, what she wants me to admit to to make it stop. Taliban? No problem. 9/11? I did it. Kennedy? King? Fucking Lincoln? All me! Just make it go away!
And the worst part is, after each night of abuse, I have to get up and go to work.
I googled the list of tortures she is implimenting, to see if there is some kind of governmental body I can appeal to in hopes of relief. Theres a name for what is being done to me. The internet calls it "teething'". Sounds Chinese. No surprise there. They INVENTED torture.
Geneva Convention, my ass. Damn you, Mitt Romney, make it go away!

Movie Trivia Qoute

"It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying; sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people."

Easy one.

Spy vs. Spy

Karmic Kudos to the guy who found my dropped wallet in the Food City parking lot and returned it unmolested to my apartment complex's office drop slot.

Piss in the eyes of David, photographer from Albequerque, New Mexico who we are certain stole my boss' camera while in NOLA, and cast a pall, the only dark spot, over an otherwise magical journey.

Yin and Yang. 1 billion Chinese cant be wrong.

Client Conference

Me: So... tell me about your criminal history.
Him: Oh nooo. I dont have a thing.
Me: You sure? I mean I dont want any surprises when we get in there and I just need all the info up front.
Him: No sir! Not a thing on my record! I have a spotless record!
Me: Cmon dude! I dont have a 'spotless' record! And I'm your attorney!
Him: No way, believe me. Nothing! Nothing! I mean, like, if you look, the only thin you might see is a simple possession charge from last year!
Me: Sigh. And tell me about that.
blahblahblah
Me: And is THAT all?
Him: Yes sir! Everything!
Me: No other arrests?
Him: The only time I was EVER arrested was at the house in Maryville.
Me: Your house?
Him: Yes sir!
Me: And that was when they got you in connection with this case?
Him: Uh, no.

I see a pattern forming.

Movie Trivia

No cheating. If you don't know, don't answer. No one claimed the prize for last week, so the skin carries over, but the difficulty increases.

"Crucify him on the Tree of Woe"

The Hunchback of Notre Knox

So this attorney in my office gets a call. He takes it in my office because we are in the middle of an important staff meeting (lunch). He says hello to the client. And then stands there. And stands there.
Well, he puts the guy on hold and walks out of my office and 5 minutes later, the guy is still on hold. So, I pick it up. And I can only sit there, And sit there. And sit there as he tells me the most ridiculous story I have ever heard. Promise.
Apparently he accused a girl of stealing from her mother, his friend. Well, she made the same accusations right back. So the next time he pulls up to his house, he sees a guy across the street, sitting in a car, on his cellphone. Well, obviously this man is a government agent of some sort and is lying in wait for this innocent feller.
So he runs for it.
He heads for safety. In church.
He calls my colleague to inform him that 'they' are after him and that, as soon as his pastor gets back from lunch, he is going to request "sanctuary".
For the uninformed, and I know who you are cuz you aren't laughing yet, "sanctuary" was the legal asylum given to anyone who made it to the safety of the church steps and asked for it... in the Middle Ages! It was abolished in 1683 or something like that!
I keep picturing Quasimodo ringing that bell!
I once heard of a guy who invoked the Articles of Confederation in a trial and had cites and copies for all to see. But this! My colleague should subpoena the preacher, just to get his reaction when the guy said that shit. Nice!
Next time I'm in trouble, I'm invoking Hammurabi's Code. Or the Dead Sea Scrolls.

New Orleans Is Like...

A French-tickler vibrator wrapped in a Tiffany's box.
So much wrong in such a pretty wrapper.
Rockin'
Katrina, who?

Picture This Unlikely Image

Me. Standing in 2 feet of mud and water and horse shit. Sweating and wet from a tropical storm. Beer in left hand. Something called 'stuffed bread' in the other. Shirt covered in various bits of deceased crawfish. Pumping my fist in the air to ZZ Top, of all people. Surrounded by a thousand other mud children and a half dozen new nameless friends. Scent of pot and cigars and manure in the air. Hot Hot Sun. Cool Cool Tunes.

Thats Jazzfest Day One.

Is It Really Wednesday???

Ok.
So I have been gone for a while. My boss and I took a CLE trip to New Orleans (that just happened to coincide with Jazzfest). I have never been to NO, so I was mostly looking forward to the CLE, nevermind the rest. We arrive and decide to take a peak at Bourbon Street.
The best way to describe all I see is this; its like a shopping mall of sin. I can buy sex, drugs, alcohol, a hot dog and a ticket to some rockin' tunes all on the same half-block. And I'm pretty sure that woman that just winked at me was once a man. Say, why do they call this drink a hand grenade? Music, people everywhere, this guy peeing on the street. Are you sure this is Wednesday? Whoa! That's why they call it a hand grenade! I think the devil lives here somewhere. I cant feel my lips...and its Wednesday! Did I think I was only in town for the day? Pace...pace...pace.

Observation

My office sits about a half mile from the homeless mission district, so I see a lot of them on a daily basis. Having had this opportunity to, much like a wildlife photographer, observe them going by from behind my glass, I have made an interesting discovery. Homeless people are really bird-people. Well, at least they have so much in common, its hard not to make a connection.
1. They both flit around the streets, mostly unnoticed.
2. they snatch up our crumbs and live on whatever else they can find
3. they hang out on the roofs of random buildings
4. they poop wherever they like
5. they sing at random times and for no real reason at all.
6. I had a crow squawk at me the same day that I had a homeless man flip me off and tell me to stop listening to his brain. something about the government.

although, to be fair, most homeless are non-migratory. Though I could never figure out why. If I'm gonna be homeless in the middle of winter, its going to be at the beach.

Movie Qoute of the Day Trivia Contest

What film is this from? No Googling or any such cheating, kids. Use your brain or dont play the game!

"Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've got to go forwards to go back. Better press on."

The Middle Ages

I'm turning thirty-five this year and I have to examine my place in the scheme of things. I think I have a better grasp on it than I did a year ago.
35 means...
I'm not too old to go out and get wasted.
I am too old to think I can get up and go to work the next morning. Or do it more than once a month,

I'm not too old to play video games.
I am too old to be really good at them

Im not too old to take up a new hobby like bike riding or the guitar.
Im too old to ever be a virtuoso.

Im too young to own a Porsche, but too old to drive one like it should be driven (and where do i put the car seat?)

I'm too young to lose my hair, but not too old to consider maybe some dye here and there.
(can you dye balls? heh, images of Easter)

Well I dont fear getting older. Hell I cant WAIT for my mid-life crisis. Then I can pay back all the women around me for decades of PMS.

Temper Temper

So I had a lady call my office about a month ago and ask me to help her in her divorce. First, she said she had no money. Always the best way to get me on your side. Then when I asked why she wanted a divorce, she said she didnt, he did. Oh, and why does he. Well it seems he went and found himself somebody new. So she slapped him. And set girlfriends car on fire. And (allegedly) beat his prize 1968 Camaro to a pulp with a blunt object. Well being a fan of 60s muscle cars, i flat turned her down.
The other day, a lady walked up to me in court and asked if I would do her divorce and that she had only 2 days to get her answer filed and that she had money (chi-ching) so I said yes. I go to the opposing attorney and ask for and get extension, get back to my office and realize its the SAME GODDAMN WOMAN!!!
Well, needless to say, I am working hard on her case every spare minute. After all, I just bought my car!
So as I sit here, typing this blog, she sits here in my office, thinking I'm taking notes on her blubbering rant about her imprisonment, her stint in the Happy House and musings as to "why he dont love me no more". Ah, if human suffering and drama were only marketable....hmmmm. Would it be illegal to set up a video camera in my office and put this on as a new reality show? The "Real" Office? Dont worry, I'll put little black blobs on their faces.

Dogfight

48 hours is a long time. I can drive to San Francisco in that time. Or build a small boat. Or catch a 24-hour flu, be bedridden, recover and make it to Toddy's in time for hotdogs and beer.

Or...
I can argue over how many dogs go to who in a goddamn divorce that I have otherwise settled weeks ago. 2 freakin' days debating over whether my client gets all 5 Yorkies or if hubby gets at least 2.
1. Three dogs is plenty.
2. what self-respecting man wants a Yorkie? Nevermind two Yorkies!
3. do you really want to pay me for this?
4. do i really want to do this type of shit? I mean, this is why I went to college, took the LSAT, went to law school for 3 years and suffered through the Bar? To stand up for Yorkies?

Maybe I can start a pet defense practice somewhere that a thing like that might work. Beverly Hills, probably. Set up office right next to the pet cemetary. Whats that, maam? that Rottweiler scared your toy poodle? well thats a clear case of Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress! And I am sure little Fido will want an Order of Protection!

Justicia Enim Bestia

Docket Sounding

Let me know if anyone is still checking this thing. I just cant stay away, but I need an audience to validate my madness.

The Definition of...

Sililoquy is a dialogue with one's self. The evidence is overwhelming that this is what this blog has become. I am therefore decommissioning this site and will no longer post here. I would say goodbye, but to say such to one's self seems morose and smacks of suicide. Lights out! You dont have to go home but you cant stay here.
-Bob

Spring Is Here...A Month Early?

So...
Bush's solution to the energy consumption problem is to add 30 hours to the start of spring and 30 to the end? Brilliant! Goodbye, Global Warming! W is on the case and you dont stand a chance!
Gasp! Is that a condor I see? A dodo, an elephant bird, a carrier pidgeon? All the extinct beasties are back and the poles are bigger and colder than ever!!! Praise be to God, Allah and George W. Bush!!!

Joke of the Day

A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.
After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

I'm A Big Ball of Satan

I get clients' invitations to join them in their church service all the time. "You should come. It'll be good for you" Huh? Isn't this the same church you go to? Has it been all that great for you? Aren't you here for a DIVORCE? Isn't the state taking your kids, lady? You feel better because you're dumping wads of cash in the collections plate yet you're the same lady who is having trouble paying my discounted rate, right? Fat lot of good its doing you. Maybe its just YOUR church. Maybe if I go to a more Republic church, the rates and returns are higher. I know. I'm going to hell. But I bet all the cool people are gonna be there. Elvis. Anna Nicole. Jim Morrison. Jimi. Andy Warhol. Ghandi, according to some. Every 80s hair band.
I don't know. I get up early and wear a suit enough during the week. Sundays are for jam-jams and sleep ins.

The Definition of....

Checks and Balances.

The image of me telling my girlfriend that I'm on my way to workout and her not understanding me because I have a mouthful of Samoas.

And let me just add this.
Forget the endless price hikes of the oil companies.
Nevermind Nike's exploitation of minor.
Ignore the constant harassment of student loan consolidation groups.
To hell with the addictive nature of the return business inherent in methamphetamines.
All of them combined can't hold a candle to the Girl Scouts of America.
They are here again folks. Be Prepared, indeed.

Joke of the Day

Whats the difference between an accountant and an attorney?

Accountants know they're boring.

CLE Stands For...

Cramped and Locked Enclosure. So I just had one of these things for the first time. Only because I have to. And everyone warned me that they were bad and to get out at my earliest convenience. Images of Stalags and German Shepherd and crawling under barbed wire dance through my head.

Well they were right. In fact, they understated the crushing boredom that is a CLE. I felt like a homeless atheist who is forced to listen to some self-righteous, self-aggrandizing zealot spew crap for my free bowl of oatmeal and roach parts. I likes ta died. But the class wouldn't let me die. I tried swallowing my tongue but 34 years of heterosexuality has left me with a hefty gag reflex. I would have hung myself with a mic cord, but all the mics were wireless and the ceiling was 25 feet high (i am certain they were that way to avoid exactly what I had planned).

I spent most of the time texting people 5 feet from me and plotting the worst possible torture with the least amount of liability for the woman in row 2 who kept asking questions that weren't really questions like it was our 1L year. I think I would remove her eyelids and feed her dose after dose of sleeping pills to slowly drive her mad. And blind, I guess. She made so many stupid comments I almost objected on grounds of relevance.

My boss tried to pay me to streak the CLE. I wonder if that forfeits my credit hours. Hell I might get extra credit.

I am planning on building a replica of myself to prop my seat at the next CLE whilst I slip away at lunch. Or pay a hobo to be me. Is it suicide if he kills himself while pretending to be me? God, I hope so. The malpractice evasion and tax implications alone are worth it.

Things I Love/Hate and Why

Love

Reality TV. Because there's nothing like watching dreams get crushed in real time.

My DVR. It allows me to record and watch the dream-crushing whenever I want and in slow-mo.

The smell of fingernail polish remover. I dont know why.

Doughnuts. Why not?

Hookers. Because they make for such interesting conversation about their wardrobe, sense of self and legal issues (So what if I'm a ho? I love my kids!)

Hate

Clients who show up late. Because it throws off my whole day.

Clients who show up early, because they always arrive while I'm eating.

Clients who show up unannounced/uninvited/unwanted. Because I'm always doing something wayyy cooler and would call if I wanted to see them.

Clients. See 1,2,and 3.

I had a clients check come back 'insufficient funds'. Made me re-evaluate the reasons why I practice law. Is it the money? If its not, why does this piss me off so bad (or is it badly)? Shouldn't I be more concerned with the obvious injustice involved in her case? Or should I take the stance that my family has to eat and I am not some nameless cog at the Baker Donelson machine that draws that fat check each month. I needs my shizzle, bizzle! Is it worse that I cut this woman a break in the first place? Is it worse that she still expects me to hustle on this case?
All the older attorneys told me when I started this "You'll be hardened in about a year and won't be half as sympathetic to these people". Am I on the excelerated program and have reached my limit already? Or do I just learn from my mistakes faster?
Lawyers are like trees. Over time they petrify into these stony, crotchety old snapping turtles.
I cant wait.

Today's Cynical POV: Good clients are harder to find than a full set of teeth in a trailer park.

30 Rock Is...

Genius. Its so good, I want to take it behind the Middle School and get it pregnant!

Spare the Rodham

Someone asked me why I havent blogged lately. Well, like a fat man who can't see his penis anymore, I haave found that things get in the way of what makes us happy.
I just had a woman call me about a divorce, trying to sell me the sad-song version of her life. When I asked what the other side had against her that was stalling an amicable settlement, she said " Well I kinda got mad and set fire to my ex's new girlfriend' car and then I got arrested over some mess and then I spent some time in jail and then some time in a mental health vacility (not a misprint) and then..."
At this point, I began to wander. I thought of the coming election for President and all the candidates available. I really wish I could say that Hillary has a chance, but she don't. Why?
Because of stupid women like the one I was ignoring on the phone just then. I mean, what happens when Bill pisses off Pres. Hillary? Will she set fire to Ghana?
I'm not trying to sound like a mysogynist. I am only pointing out that America heaps the actions of an entire group upon those it percieves as it representatives. This is a bigoted attitude, basically saying one is the same as all the others, but thats the way this country runs.
Thats why Obama will never win, that and the fact that his name rhymes with that of the most sought after terrorist in history. I'd never win if my name was Randolph Hitlerson. Not even on the GOP ticket.
All I'm saying is, if you want a male First Lady, tell the following to chill:
Britney
Lindsey Lohan
Anna Nicole (she's still damaging the rep of women after her demise. impressive.)
half my clients
Paris
Nicole Ritchie

Feel free to add.

I Am Britney's Discarded Locks

Oh the sights I have seen.
London, Tokyo, Sydney
All in a weekend
I have teased and been teased
By the best.
Blondes have more of everything.
But then...
Sweet Sweet Salon girl
Refuses to do me harm.
Mad Mad Britney
Takes matters into her own hands
I can see the headlines!
Britney Shears! Baldy Spears! Celebrity Buzzzz!
And here I lay. Discarded
My roots tell a tale.
A chemical romance
that cannot end on speaking terms.
And out the door she goes.
A little lighter. A little cooler.
And I am swept up and on eBay
Before the sun can rise.
Dyed.
Died.

You Can Lead A Ho to Water

but you cant make em think.

Last week we had a treat land in our office. Apparently a lawyer here (for the purposes of this story, we'll call her Jama) acted as a GAL on a case and had to privately bill it. Well, the bill was returned by one of the parent's attorney (her name sorta rhymes with Howie Mandel) and basically said that all of the charges were excessive. She then proceeded to go through each billed MINUTE and state first how it was too much, then how she herself (Howie) only bills X.X minutes to do the same thing and finally (and here is where the 'balls as big as church bells' moment happens) requested the attorney explain in detail what she was doing for all that time.

Now, bless Jama's tender-hearted soul, but she actually felt worried over this.
Let me just say where I stand.
1. Fuck you, lady.
2. who the sweet Jesus shit are you?
3. how is it my fault that you dont put any time into your work, you lazy cooz?
4. isnt it more obviously malpractice to admittedly cut corners in your representation?
5. Is that kind of sloth a 'shall' or a 'may' report to the Board. Cuz Im leaning toward 'Shall'.
6. Let me see every bill you have every sent out. Hell I'll start going over you whole life! How much did you tithe last year? What are you tipping at Outback? How many times in the last 10 years have you said 'Nope, sorry, no spare change'?
7. You must want to fight. I'll get street with ya, biyatch!
8. How do you draft an Order in 0.1 hours? I cant even hit 'print' that fast.

By the way, I am billing you or somebody else for this time. Self-righteous gutter slut.

Moment of Realization

In light of the astronaut love triangle, it came to me just now. I'm gone all day and have no idea what my baby is up to. She could be driving across the country, rubbing out paramours left and right. Imagine my horror when I rushed home opened her jumper and there it was...a diaper.
I wonder what her weapon of choice is. I bet its something harmless-looking like a poison-coated teething ring or exploding poo.
I grow suspicious of the car seat. We sleep in shifts.

Cheeky Monkey

I heard a prominent local attorney gained that status by having his office number changed to one that matched a recently deceased, well-known attorney.

My name change application is in the mail. Do I look like a "Johnny Cochran"? Cuz I feel like one.

Life's Hard Truths

The difference between a "challenging case that could set some precedent and could present some challenging Constitutional issues" and "an unwinnable, waste of time, turd of a case" is about $5000.

Guilty Pleasures

Somewhere between the stacks of unbilled files and the unsigned Motions, I watch alot of movies. And, this being Oscar season, everyone wants to talk about the greatest movies of all time and how much we love them. Well inversely we all have those films that we hold near and dear to our hearts that draw nothing but criticism from others when they see them in our movie collections. Some are so bad they are good. Some are so low-budget, they barely count as "cinema". Others seem to invite looks of shame from our loved ones. This is my list. Dont judge me!
Return of the Living Dead (zombies that run kick ass)
Flash Gordon (the one from 1980, not 1936.)
Blazing Saddles (so racist its a riot)
Big Trouble in Little China (Kurt Russell as John Wayne/Elvis)
The Quick and the Dead (Sharon Stone is sooo tough)
Sol Goode (there's something special about Tori Spelling driving a Red Bull truck)
Last Action Hero (best satire EVER)
Shaun of the Dead (this will also land on my "Unrecognized heroes of film" list)
NeverEnding Story (no, I will NOT grow up)
Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Time Bandits (cuz midgets ROCK)

The Definition of...

Dedication.

Wearing an adult diaper to ensure you dont have to stop on your nonstop cross-country, hate drive to pummel and kidnap your obsession's current lover.

Ghoul Pool Update

So...
since no one bothered to comment. No one gets credit for Anna Nicole. Too bad. That would have scored pretty high.

In Re Baby Loblaw

We settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. I'm glad she cant count yet. I bet she thinks nickels are worth more than dimes because they are bigger. Stupid, stupid baby.

Survey

Truly Original Survey

Would you do this?

1. Join the Military or the Mob?Mob. Likely has a longer survival rate with higher pay.
2. Turn a close friend in if they committed a serious offense ex. murder?Nah. I'm sure the other guy had it coming.
3. Make one porno if it meant never having to work again?Definitely. Then use my new found wealth to buy all the copies and burn em.
4. Cheat on your bf/gf with your biggest crush if there was no possibility that they would EVER find out?Now how stupid do you think I am?
5. Eat spoiled food from the garbage or go hungry?hungry.

What if...
1. In your relationship you find out you are going to have a baby but one of you doesn't want it. Who has the right to choose?Tails.
2. Your partner had to work overseas for a year, would you consider playing around?Consider? Sure.
3. You find out before having sex for the first time with your partner that they have a highly contagious STD, would you still have sex with them?Only if I had the same one.
4. You are in a serious accident in the middle of nowhere and your only chance of survival is to cut off your own arm, would you do it?i have a spare
5. You had to kill a member of your family if it meant you would save thousands of lives, would you?Depends on who.

Yes or No1. H
ave you had cyber-sex?yes
2. Would you masturbate in front of your partner?yes
3. Would you tell your partner (who you really love) that they are bad in bed?no
4. While having sex, have you ever thought about someone else to keep you turned on?Ever? Yes
5. Have you ever looked at a family member and felt sexually attracted to them? Are pets family??

What do you think?
1. Gay marriage is wrong?disagree
2. The night of your best-friend's wedding their fiance comes on to you, should you tell your best-friend? only if i hit dat and it sucks. cuz as a friend, i think i should warn him she's bad in bed, right?
3. You catch one of your parents having a one-night-stand, should you tell the other parent?Maybe after i stop throwing up!
4. Your partner wants to go to a "swingers" club, would you go to keep your partner happy?yes
5. You are about to tell your spouse that you want a divorce but they just found out that a close family member is dying, do you still tell them?no

Finale!
1. Would you/Have you ever fake illness to get attention?no, unless if by attention you mean a 'crazy check'
2. You are the first to arrive at the scene of an accident but it turns out that the person hurt is your worst enemy, do you help or walk away?help, but first i go through their pockets and hide their insurance information and splash them with beer.
3. You have a non life threatening sexual disease, would you have a one night stand without telling the person?Isnt that how i got it in the first place? will i never learn?
4. Do you think it is important to tell the truth or spare someones feelings?truth is always funnier
5. Do you think this survey was truly original?best one since the last one

34 And I Still Dont Know...

1. why women think you should be able to read their minds when I KNOW they can't read mine, or else I'd be single. And have no female friends. Or at least none with any conscience or self-esteem. Or an understanding of terms like ATM and DP.

2. why I'm the only one pronounces the first 'r' in February.

3. why people dont want gays to marry. They have every right to be as miserable as the rest of society.

4. how something can be 'bunk' and thats bad yet if something is'debunked' its bad.

5. why everyone laughs when I say I'm a doctor.

6. whats the difference between catsup, ketchup and fancy ketchup.

7. why everyone comes up to me and will comment on my blog but NO ONE 'comments' on my blog.

Back From Outer Space

All apologies, but I had a computer meltdown. But fear, not! My time was not spent idly...well mostly. I learned a few things from my clients on my time off. and i have a few new vocab words that may or may not violate some confidentiality whatevers.
1. telling someone that your retainer is $2500 and then allowing them to make payments and then actually only getting three installments of $286, $214 and $96 (not $100 because he 'needed a sausage biscuit' on his way to pay me) shall be henceforth known as "Pulling a Gipson". Although a Gipson can also mean believing that the commencement of an action to modify child support is enough to relieve you of that obligation until further adjudication. Cuz whats the point if its gonna change, right?

2. Crazy people pay more consistenly than the sane. And they insist on doing it in person.

3. Telling callers you are NOT an attorney, but rather a secretary will not get you out of being asked the most asinine legal questions, accompanied by their life's story.

4. Most attorneys pretend to be attention-seeking because they think thats right, but in reality they run from exposure like roaches when teh kitchen lights come on.

5. Never get a boob job in Knoxville...from a dentist. The med-mal attorneys fees are way more than a plane ticket to LA where you can get it done right the first time.

6. There are some perverts in this thing of ours. Thats cool and all, its just kinda funny too.

7.You can get less time in OP Court for biting your ex's ear off than for calling her 124 times. Bon apetit.

More to follow.

Joke of the Day

Joker: I figured out how to make my penis 8 inches long.

Straight Man: Yeah? How?

Joker: Fold it in half.

You Know You're Losing When

the Judge calls you in chambers and tells you your client looks like a "hollow-eyed drug addict...and she looks better than the last time she was here".
At that point, just punch him in the junk and steal his gavel on the way out.

BrainStorm

Okay
My firm is suing a local law enforcement agency which shall remain nameless. Both sides are peopled by the finest legal procrastinators in the business. As a result, we slept on the depo deadlines and had to motion for a new schedule. Problem is, Judge FuckForBrains ShitWeasel III denied it. Said it would make things to difficult. So his solution is to have us do a trial with no depositions. Nice job, Douche.
SOOO whats the answer? Well I have come up with a few solutions to this quandary. Tell me what my chances are.
1. Non-suit and try again later. Upside: We may get more time to depo. Downside: since this is a government agency in federal court, we may lose our shot.
2. Kill the Judge the day before the trial. Upside: they have to assign a new Judge that is familiar with the case and that takes weeks and a possible mistrial w/o prejudice. Or something. Downside: Some judges pack heat! I think that's what kill Steve Irwin.
3. Move for a continuance. Up: If granted, we'll get tons more time. Down: NoGood Marshall could veto another one.
4. Go Balls Out and Argue It Anyway!!! Up: there's nothing cooler than just winging a federal fucking trial! Down: no doubt, we WILL lose. in a Dynamic manner not seen since Grenada.
I think our best option is to:
1.drink all night before the trial, then
2. watch My Cousin Vinny at least 3 times that night, and
3. show up in Court and argue the wrong case the whole time! Refuse to ask any of the right question. Cross exam the cops on what the standard of care at their hospital is for treating a spastic colon or where they were on the night of February 30, 2008.
And when the Judge declares us in contempt we will either point at the opposing counsel and shout "Yeah! Take that!!" or scream "We have nothing BUT contempt for this court!!!"
I can't wait.




maritime

Legal Brief

Someone asked me the other day how my lawsuit against my baby is going.

Well...

I couldn't find a lawyer to represent me against my own infant and the judge laughed when I asked for appointed counsel.
I filed the intentional infliction of emotional distress claim. My baby promptly countered with a malicious prosecution suit ( some nonsense about my "duty") and informed me that I filed against an 'infant' and that she would age out of that class soon, creating unique status offense issues.
I tried to get her to settle out of court, to agree to one good night's sleep per week.

She refused.

I may have to nonsuit to preserve my claim.

Why I Became A Lawyer

I spent an entire day in court yesterday, championing the rights of an elderly lady against her estranged husband. He violated an Order of Protection and I had to fight.
Before your chest gets all swollen with pride, let me tell you what he did wrong.
Apparently, the Order stated "the Respondent (thats the Husband) may not enter the laundry room of the retirement high rise in which they both reside except on Sundays and Mondays after 9pm".

He washed his clothes on a Thursday.

Thats it. I will avoid the obvious jokes about airing dirty laundry and just say:
1. Shame on the Court for ever drafting this Order.
2. This little old lady wanted him to do jail time. And he's older than her and we had to reset the case once because he had a heart attack.
3. The bailiff laughed the whole time.
4. and the clerk.
5. and the Judge
6. and me.
7. He almost went to jail and will serve 5 days if ever in the laundry room outside of the prescribed parameters for washing his drawers.

I bet chiropractors never have to do this shit.

Hiroshima Made Them Stronger

Tune in to the G4 network and watch 'Ninja Warrior'. Its like MXC, but mostly taken very seriously. Only two men have completed the 4 part course in the show's 17 season history. Check your local listings.

Gripe

Okay, so this is me bitching to the void, since no one but Dr. Girlfriend and Baby read this thing.
When I was a young lad, there was a trifecta of "good" and honorable jobs that any parent would be proud to say their kid had chosen as their profession: Doctor, Accountant and...drum roll...Lawyer. Now, why was that? Was it the level of education and achievement attached to those degrees? Or was it the wealth associated with the practice of any of the above? Granted, there were others: engineer, teacher, etc., but what happened to attorneys?
Did a bubble pop in the 80s? Was there a mad rush to law schools and a simulatneous lowering of entrance standards? Is there a glut and how, short of genocide, do we fix it?
It seems to me there should be enough evil to go around, but there isnt. Are people becoming less criminal, staying married longer, managing there finances better? Watching so much CSI and Law and Order that there is nothing left for us to do?
All I know is, most of the attorneys I know make less per year than their postman.
Not saying I have a sense of entitlement. I live well below my means, but thats just a product of my upbringing. I just wonder if everyone who went to law school knew that they have to WANT to practice law, not just have a "good" job. Cuz sometimes this sucker dont pay out. And I hear the grumbles.
I just wanna know what happened to the trifeca of jobs I wanted for myself as a kid: paleontologist, fireman, astronaut.
Maybe I'll start wearing a flight suit to work, with "BUZZ" on the name tag and change my firm name to "the Right Stuff & Assoc.".

Ghoul Pool

This is a new tradition starting now for those disturbed and adventurous enough to join in. The idea is simple...name 10 celebrities (film, TV, Music, Art, Entertainment, Politics) who you think will not survive 2007. One point for people over 50(for example, Jack Nicholson), two for those under (Lindsey Lohan), three for the young ones who live clean or the very young (Dakota Fanning). Dont be afraid. You're already going to Hell anyway.

1. Martin Landau
2. Wilford Brimley
3. Kirk Douglass
4. Bettie Page
5. Tom Sizemore
6. Andy Griffith
7. Henry Hill
8. BB King
9. Colin Farrell
10. Liz Taylor

Resolutions

1. To not be photographed exiting a vehilce visibly not wearing panties.

2. To start no new wars.

3. To execute twice as many dictators as '06.

4. To lose weight. And since muscles weigh twice as much as fat, I think I can reach my goal fastest by losing as much muscle as I can.

5. To take up smoking, since everyone in my office smokes and I am likely dying from second hand smoking cancer, but never got the benefit of the nic buzz.

6. Get detained for contempt of court at least once.

7. Refer to at least one of my opposing counsel as "fuck-nut" during an in-court proceeding.

8. Get to work on developing a Class A Lawyer Liver.

9. Sue God.

10. Be good to my family.