I know all of you are wondering why I didnt run for class speaker. First, I would like to congratulate "Big Time" on his landslide victory. I voted for you, but then I voted for Kerry. Second, like I told them at the press conference, I have alot on my plate right now and there was just not enough time to practice a speech between classes, studying, training for the Boston Marathon, my teaching Bikram Yoga 4 nights a week, all my work with lepers and my government-funded research diet of chocolate and beer. Thats not to say I didnt write one. Like to hear? Here it go!
"To the Graduating Class of 2006, to the distingusihed faculty, to the proud parents in attendance...Welcome and Congratulations! Since I am known for expressing my opinion in 10 words or less, I will remain in that spirit and keep brevity as my watchword. Future attorneys of the world. Why were you here? Why are you here? I bet you think you came here to make a difference in the world. Or to make some real money so that you can buy that fancy Beemer to compensate for your inadequate "personality". But here is the ugly truth. You are all cavemen and women. You came here to find a way to build a nest. You use your Rolex brand club to bludgeon your victim and drag him/her back to your Pottery Barn-encrusted "cave". Once there, you feed and breed, feed and breed. Sure you get to wear nice suits (though half of you wouldnt know a nice suit from a law suit), but you are all hairless apes! Evolve! I know, I know. You dont believe in evolution. Well too bad, you TV shepherd and La-Z-Boy sheep! It believes in you! Things change, evolve. Thats the nature of existence! No such thing as evolution? Fine then, dont ever get another flu shot again! What's the point? Its the same flu as last year, right? No way it could have "evolved". Bastards. Think for yourselves! Be yourselves! At least 15% of the population of the US is homosexual and you mean to tell me not one guy in our class of 150 plays for the same team? Stand up and be counted! THAT'S the real definition of a pansy. Not that you like sausage, but that you wont admit it! Yeah, thats right! I DONT have a job, yet! So what? You wanna make something out of it? Meet me by the bike rack! Pansies! And not the gays! You! Yeah, you with your stripes on you sleeve and your squarish hat thing! Suck it! And as for you, Kay...what? Oh, I see that I am out of time. Enjoy the reception afterwards and the PMBR to immediately follow! One day off?!? Fuckers! Ich Ben Ein Krispy Kreme!!!"
At this point the giant hook held by ponytail A/V guy comes out and drags me from the podium.
As you can tell, I plan to be shit-faced at Hooding. I think it adds something usually missing to the mood of the occasion. What do you think? Feel free to borrow any portion of it Big Time.
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4 comments:
Favorites include:
1) "Pottery Barn-encrusted 'cave'."
2) At least 15% of the population of the US is homosexual and you mean to tell me not one guy in our class of 150 plays for the same team?
Yes, Troy, he's talking to you with that last line.
("Big Time", huh? Another fat joke, I see. A man gains a few (fifty) pounds, and he can never, ever live it down. And I thought Dom Deluise had it bad).
It just seemed wrong to refer to you as "Far From..." when you are representing us all on the third most important day of our lives.
as they pull you off stage you should moon Karen!
"you are representing us all on the third most important day of our lives."
Thhhaaannnkkkssss... Not that I wasn't already feeling the pressure, but that sure helped me out. I do appreciate it.
[Looking for brown paperbag]
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