CHEERS!!!

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -Ben Franklin

What is it about alcohol that makes it hold such sway over us? It holds so much power in tiny little 1 to 40 oz. containers. It has the power to heal the broken heart. It can make the shittiest day a little better. Sinatra once said he felt sorry for anyone who didnt drink because when they woke up in the morning, they felt the best they were going to feel all day.
But what is this ethanol mojo? Is it transformative or evaluative. In other words, does it make you believe something that is not there or does it ignite the dormant? Does it delude its consumers into believing they are the sexiest man or woman alive or is that the person's true perception of themselves and the booze only pulls backthe curtain? Or is it a combination of both?
Alcohol, or as I like to call it "Awesomeness Juice", whatever your brand, tends to divide us into groups.
There are the afoermentioned Hotties who see themselves as suddenly the reason God made cool. Considering most of them are a bit off-base, I call that one Transformative.
A close cousin and often a siamese twin to the Hotties are the Extreme Makeover Goggles. They see everyone else of the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on what bar you are in) as Carmen Electra/Brad Pitt. This is a bit more dangerous than the Hotties Syndrome. Hotties tend to aim too high and get shot down form overestimating their worth. EMGs tend to hit on the saddest slab of Canadian Bacon poured onto a stool and often wins (if you can call the inevitable morning seesion of chagrin and vomit "winning").
Next on our tour of Toddy's, we find the John Lennon. Lennons love EVERYBODY and will tell you so every five minutes. They hug, they kiss and they get so close you can count the pores on their gin-soaked chins. They sing and they sway and they make new friends. Harmless except they tend to make plans and promises they cant keep or recall.
In our last cage on the right (mind your fingers folks) is the rare and elusive Rock Em Sock Em drinker. This pansy normally wouldnt fight a cold, but three drinks in and he's suddenly Clubber Lang. "What are you looking at?!?" Dont worry, folks. He swings and spits but he cant hit shit. Push him and watch him fall.
These arent all of our categories, mind you. There is the Herbert Hoover (filled with depression and hopelessness), the Nietzsche (full of groundless philosophy and pointless insight) also known as the Freud, the Dialer (no explanation needed), on and on.
The heart of the matter lies with this: are we being true to ourselves or are we in need of an excuse to be who we are?
Either way, drink up and enjoy!

W.C. Fields: I try my best to stick to alcohol. I never drink water.
Interviewer: Why not?
W.C. Fields: Fish fuck in it!