Six Degrees of Oprah Winfrey

There is a theory that everyone in the world is separated from everyone else on Earth by six people. I must assert that, though there may be some truth to this theorem, there is one burning outlier that skews the whole concept: the O. She is the thirteenth planet in this solar system, far removed from our hellish reality. So how did she get there? In the yonder...er beyond Pluto? The same way that any of us end up feeling like we are better than Those Who Dwell In Sessions; she acquired degrees. Not many know this, but O carries not one, not two, but six distinct degrees that separate her from us carbon-based lifeforms and that she wields like a Dolce & Gabana diamond-encrusted lightsaber, carving out a better world in her image.

1. Nutrition and Fitness Doctorate- Dr. Winfrey seems to want to eternally preach to me about what I can and cannot eat if I want to lose weight. Funny that this comes from a woman who has lost, gained, then lost more inches than Fat Phil's defensive line. Eat fewer calories than you burn. Try it, fatty. Stop listening to a habitual gainer. She obviously hasn't got a clue. Its like asking Donald Trump about how to keep a spouse/hair.

2. English Major- Cuz if she says its a good book, it must be. If its good, its good. Its got nothing to do with her. Give her no credit.

3. Law Degree (and subsequent judicial appointment)- did anyone see (of course you did) her crucifixion of that poor Frey guy? She used the better part of an hour to bring him back on her show and force him to go chapter by chapter and outline just where he lied. Lied to HER. How dare he! I'm sure that's some form of blasphemy in some book somewhere. Ok, the guy lied. He bent the truth to get money. Hello! That's what junkies DO! He doesn't know any other way. Its still a good book, though I see that O took her "Book Club" stamp off the cover. Damn! Headline...May 17th,2006..."O turns Ex-junkie Back into Junkie." Cuz you know that's all he wants to do now is get high again. Thanks O. Judge Winfrey, changing lives every day. Take off the white wig and chill.

4. Psychology- My favorite moments on her show are when she is talking to someone with problems (i.e., every episode that she is not celebrating how great God, and by God I mean O, is) and they pour out their souls on that stage. O leans back on her throne and belches out the most recent asinine New Age theory that her good friend Dr. Phil (the other Fat Phil, the one who had the balls to publish diet books) and she is alllll wrong. And when the person, afraid to dispute the Great O on her Home Court, gives her the "Wellllll..." She interrupts (she does that a lot. she can do that, though. she's O) and continues to hammer her uninformed babble until they cave or she goes to commercial. Bitch. And she clearly minored in manipulation. Do you think she is really spending all that money when she builds a school/buys Illinois a car/ gives away crap? No way. But you think she is. $11,000 per person per year. Your WTTax nerds know what I mean.

5. Interpretive Dance- you know what I's saying, ladies. there goes THAT stereotype. Though I wouldn't put it past her to be a bad dancer on purpose.
a. to disprove the stereotype and establish a new status quo. that's sooo O.
b. to start a new trend of housewives mangling rugs to the beat of O's drums. Just cuz she can. She's O.

6. Political Science- she'll run for office. you'll see. Laugh, but you'll vote for her too. Think about how absurd that is.

Final Rant: Did anyone see O's speech at Coretta King's funeral? I have never heard a eulogy that used the word "I" more than "he/she" (meaning the deceased). Fucked up. Don't think I hate O. I respect her much in the same way you have to respect Castro for hangin' in there. But all I'm sayin' is, wait til she runs for God (or at least to be canonized while alive). O Bless America! gives a new meaning to O, My God. Its all in the comma placement.